My Heart Is Aching For All Of You, And For Myself, Losing all of my loves Options

[mosmommy]

I guess most of you have not heard from me before, and the rest of you haven't seen any posts from me in a long while.
I haven't felt like sharing any thoughts or pain lately.

On May 21, 2008- I lost my mouse Gordon. The only comfort was that he was not just my furkid, but he was a huge part of the nature program that I worked on last summer, and for over 9 weeks last summer, he touched hundreds of children. He was their favorite animal in the room. ( We also had a snake, a small lizard, 2 toads, 2 crayfish, a red-eared slider turtle, a rabbit, and a few local fish). All were used for educational and compassionate teachings, and all were released back into the wild with the exception of the lizard and rabbit who were adopted, and the turtle and Gordon. I know Gordon served a great purpose, and he also visited a local elementary science club that I did some volunteer presentations for in the fall of '07. The children loved him as much as I did. Mice can have short life spans, but he accomplished a lot in his.

I lost my beloved 15 1/2 year old cat, Rufus on March 1, 2008, and that has been very painful. I raised him form a kitten, and he slept with me all of the time, even during short "cat" naps. I still find it hard to wake up and not have him here.

Now a quick bit of background, I have lost 23 furry children, 8 close humans, and a few acquaintances- all since May 2004.
I am not sure how I still get up everyday, but I keep on trying.

I am so sorry for those of you with recent and painful loss(es) to handle, I do know how hard it is. I honestly cannot say that it gets easier, but the memories do get better.

Thank you to any and all who read this topic.

Peace, Love, and Prayers,
Michelle

This is my Rufus...

Attached image(s)

 

[Furkidlets' Mom]

Oh, THERE they are!!! It's been too long since I've seen them! How ARE those dear boys? Those cushy-comfy pics make me want to just jump right in there with them and SNOOOOOZE the whole day away! And what chocolatey-delicious-looking pawpads Wilson has! YUM! Ripe for kissing!

Yes, I'd forgotten to talk about Chance,, too. What a glorious Christmas that must have been for him, thanks to his Santa-Mom! Just looking at his enclosure makes me smile....all the rodentia accoutrements and enrichments he had in his living space! You made his earthly life a big slice of Heaven, Michelle. Don't ever forget that.

I do not know how I get up every day, and at times, I think I've gone numb.

Yes, I'm sure you have (!!!), just as I and probably many others have. I know I've been in and out of numbness (some of it so bad, it sometimes felt worse than the raw grief!) many times in the last 4 years, and still to this day. All part of that roller-coaster ride we call "grief". Those numb-er days were often the only ones where I could post something of an educational nature here, yet couldn't even speak of the underlying pain that I might otherwise have been writing about. But you have even more NEED of such respite and natural defensive measures than most, too. Your struggles are probably rather akin to how no-kill shelter/animal sanctuary owners' are, except likely even worse, as almost all of these babies are yours, NEVER to be adopted out, and so the emotional attachments are much closer than the other peoples' would normally be. I just can't imagine......

However, as you said,

I have other babies to be here for...

so you MUST, of needs, keep getting up each day. I know how utterly exhausted I was, with (only) my Nissakins to care-give for, as her needs became more and more pronounced in her last year or so, and you have so many MORE to tend to with love. And yet of course we keep going for their sakes, if not our own.

I also imagine you barely ever even have any time for SELF-care, and yet that is one of the key-est components to getting through such hardship and is usually one of the very first things certified grief counselors remind us is a necessity, not a luxury. So even if it's just 10-15 mins./day that you can set aside for something that gives you peace and pleasure....even IF that something is spending time quietly loving, stroking, kissing one or more of your babies......that will help you recharge if done consistently. I'm sure you do this anyway, so it's easy to incorporate. But also doing something else that involves just you might be very beneficial, like reading something enjoyable, taking a walk or sitting and musing in nature, getting a massage, whatever, and even if it's not daily, but weekly. As they rightly say, you can't keep nurturing others if you don't include yourself in the equation, too. This was one of the key pieces of advice Nissa herself had for me after she transitioned - I'm to learn to love myself as well and as much as I loved her. Still harder for me than giving of myself to her, mind you, but I've given it a go regardless and it does help some. Like anything else, it's a gradual process.

As for bringing back the missing posts or not, I can imagine it's quite a tough call for you. It may have felt very disrespectful of your loss seeing them in there, and yet, as you said, it was educational, too. Hmmm....it just struck me.....rather a reflection on Gordon's own classroom lessons, in a way, isn't it? (guess that's the proverbial "silver lining" way to view that upset) However, even having an informal 'educator' bent myself, if it were my own thread, I'm not entirely sure what I'd do, either. But as with anything else in grief, whatever brings YOU, personally, the 'better' feelings, is what you should likely go with. It's definitely your call, as it ought to be.

I have to keep going for these guys, as they have rescued me from some of my grief.

Yes, that IS what they (collectively) all do, isn't it? Love us, love us, love us, especially when we need it the most. And.....teach us how to love ourselves better! So take a lesson from all your kidlets, past, present and future.......