One Year. Options

[Cheesy]

Well, here it is. July 21st 2008. Cheddar has been gone one year.
I am just....I don't know the word for this feeling. It is numb, but I feel things. It is very scary. I havn't really broke down yet. That scares me too, I can feel it under the surface, kinda slowly turning just under my skin. I am scared that I am really gonna loose it. I am not afraide of greife, or mourning him, I am afraide that I am gonna loose my mind. I didnt sleep last night, and I havnt slept today. The sun will be going down soon, and my husband will go to bed, and I am gonna be alone here. I have been alonne all day, and Rick wont be home for another hour. when he gets home he will eat dinner, and have to go to bed a half hour later. He has mandatory over time at work right now, so i am spending a lot of time alone. I am scared I wont sleep tonight. Lack of sleep is contributing to all of this alot. and it is gonna get worse, if I dont sleep.
I miss cheddar so much. I miss my boy. i miss him so much, and I can really shed a tear. I get close and it backs off. I miss him more right now thanI did the day after we lost him. My arms ache cause they cant hold him, my head hurts. I cant even find a smile when I think about all the good times, and funny things he did. I can't even call it despaire. It is somthing unknown, somthing dark.
I am sitting here, infront of my computer, in this place, that means so much, and am having a hard time not just deleting my writing, and turning it off. I know I need to be here, but i just want to isolate, and just hide. I know that for me that is dangerous. I am here, and I guess that has to be enough right now.
I wanted to pay tribute to his life, and spirit today, but I guess that will have to be another day, cuase I am selfsh and self absorbed, and I just cant.
I cant type anymore right now.
please pray for me.
cheesy.

[Cheesy]

Hello every one.
Thanks for all the kind words, and support. Monday was a really bad day. I am doing a little better now, though I am still kinda stuck in it. I had a good cry last night, I havnt cried like that in a long time. My hubby and I had a long talk about cheddar. We talked about how funny and sweet he was, the joy he brought us, and how very much we miss him. After he went to bed, I took down cheddar's urn, and held it for a while. I know he is not in there, it just holds the ash of his body, but it made me feel better to have him in my arms. He is always with me, but sometimes I just need to be with him. Hazy, my husbands cat, actully came up and sat in my lap as I held cheddar and cried. It was sooo sweet. I held them both, and just cried. In that moment I knew she missed him too. She still looks for him to come in to room when we say his name, and though not as often, she still sleeps where he fell. She and the kitten are getting close, but i know, she misses her big brother.
I finally got some sleep last night, well it was so late it was actully this morning. Things seemed clearer after that. I have been an insomniac since I was a kid, and it has always made some situations worse.
It is gonna take while, but I know I will get v back to where I was in the griving process. one step back, two forward like they say.
That is about all for know.
Thank you all again for being there,
love Cheesy.