One Year. Options

[Cheesy]

Well, here it is. July 21st 2008. Cheddar has been gone one year.
I am just....I don't know the word for this feeling. It is numb, but I feel things. It is very scary. I havn't really broke down yet. That scares me too, I can feel it under the surface, kinda slowly turning just under my skin. I am scared that I am really gonna loose it. I am not afraide of greife, or mourning him, I am afraide that I am gonna loose my mind. I didnt sleep last night, and I havnt slept today. The sun will be going down soon, and my husband will go to bed, and I am gonna be alone here. I have been alonne all day, and Rick wont be home for another hour. when he gets home he will eat dinner, and have to go to bed a half hour later. He has mandatory over time at work right now, so i am spending a lot of time alone. I am scared I wont sleep tonight. Lack of sleep is contributing to all of this alot. and it is gonna get worse, if I dont sleep.
I miss cheddar so much. I miss my boy. i miss him so much, and I can really shed a tear. I get close and it backs off. I miss him more right now thanI did the day after we lost him. My arms ache cause they cant hold him, my head hurts. I cant even find a smile when I think about all the good times, and funny things he did. I can't even call it despaire. It is somthing unknown, somthing dark.
I am sitting here, infront of my computer, in this place, that means so much, and am having a hard time not just deleting my writing, and turning it off. I know I need to be here, but i just want to isolate, and just hide. I know that for me that is dangerous. I am here, and I guess that has to be enough right now.
I wanted to pay tribute to his life, and spirit today, but I guess that will have to be another day, cuase I am selfsh and self absorbed, and I just cant.
I cant type anymore right now.
please pray for me.
cheesy.

[Duncan-MyBuddy]

Good evening Ms cheesy!
Whatever you do, don't isolate and hide...keep listening and posting here as there are really compassionate people here who have gone through what you're experiencing.
I have to ask, after a year of grieving, have you considered adopting another pet? I think this would be in no disrespect to your long deceased Cheddar but instead would be honoring him in some respects. What got me through the grieving period of my buddy's passing rather quickly were my surviving dogs. They needed more attention than ever after Duncan's passing which gave me a new purpose in life.

Keep coming back here and take care,
-Ken