Hello Every One. Options

[Cheesy]

hello every one,
Sorry i have been gone so long. Ive had a really bad patch recently, and I have not followed the advice I have given other people, Come back and share.
I was doing pretyy well with my griefe, but I fell apart again. It all started more than a month ago. I started dreaming about Cheddar. Nightmares that woke me up in tears, and dreams he was still with me. I woke up one night, and could have sworn he was on the bed with me, but he wasnt and I was devistated again. I crawled back into my hole of dispare, and shut out every one. For that i am sorry. It has been almost nine months since we lost him, and I still fall to pieces. I know that griefe does not have a time line, but I wish i could heal.
I keep seeing pictures of orange and white tabbies, and It almost brings me to tears, a freind has a big tom cat orange and white, and he breaks my heart. I love to visit with him, but when I leave I feel this empty place where cheddar was. I am thinking of taking down his picture and ashes, they are on a book shelf in the living room. I find my self staring at them, and crying. hazy is still very distant with me, and it hurts. Nori and i are bonding, but in the depression i have been dealing with, she is driving me nuts. her antics, and energy tire me somtimes. I hate myself for typing that, but i really need to just get it out. I am a house wife, and I spend alot of time with my cats, when one ignores me, and the other is driving me nuts, i just don 't know what to do. she is sweet to though and when she is calm, and i am not so wraped up in my slef, we are very close. She is turning into a lap cat, when she isnt running around like a kitten gone crazy. I know she is still a kitten, and high enegy just comes with that, but somtimes i justdon't have the energy for that. I feel like a very bad kitty mom. I keep blaming myself for things that arnt my fault, like losing cheddar, like hazy's grief, blasming my self that I wasnt what she needed.
Hazy just turned six years old within the last two weeks, and i find myself thinking about loosing her, and how much i would miss her. cats can live along time, but they don't live forever, and now after 8 months since we lost cheddar, i find my self petrified of losing another cat. I fear that I just wont be able to handle it. I know that this is all so selfish, I know I am sefl centred in alll this, I just can't seem to get out of it all.
So I dicided to come back to LS, and reconnect. I think about you all often, and i hope that you are all well. For those who are new since my absence, I am sorry for all your losses, and i hope that you find comfort here. For those who i know here I hope you all are finding comfort too.
I am sorry for disapearing, and i hope you can all forgive me. I am so glad to be back. I have missed you all so much.
with love,
Cheesy.

[Cheesy]

Hello again every one.
In april our computer started to get really bad. it was almost ten years old, then it just decided it was not gonna work any more. It took us a couple few months but we fi&%^ly have a new computer. So now I hope to be here more often again.
Things are going all right here. i am nervously awaiting the one year mark since we lost our big guy. It is three days away, it i gonna be rough. My husband is starting to have a hard time as it get closer. We have both been getting really teary eyed when we talk about him. I know we will be ok, but getting there is goona be tough.
In a week and three days though is the one year mark of our kitten being with us. I can't call her a kitten any more she has become a full blown cat. Nori has has been a joy, a terror, and most importantly a new friend. She is starting to settle down, and has made her own place here. She is a very sweet girl, and we both just love her to bits. She has some of cheddar's quirks, things we thought were unique to him. She loves to drink bath water (my husband makes sure it is not soapy water.) she likes to meow at the fridge, she doesnt get wet food, and we never give her table food, but she loves to sit and tallk to it anyway. She also likes to nibble on my fingers, cheddar used to do that to get my attention when I was sleeping, and she does it now too. Of course she has her own quirks, She loves to eat earplugs. The littel faom ones peoplel wear tpo sleep. She just gobbles them up when she can find them, needless to say we are very carfull with them now. She started doing that the week we go her, and she still does. It is not a good thing. They swell when wet, and could cause a bowel obstuction, or chock her, so we are very carful, but once in blue moon she finds one, and gobbles it up. She has not had issues yet thank god. Also she loves stuffed animals. when she was a tiny kitten she found a stuffed bunny of mine. It stood as taller than she did, and wheghed just as much. She wrestels it, bites it, and drags it around the house. Somtetimes she is so rough with her we say "man, she beats on that bunny like it owes her money". It is her new thing to leave it on the bed at night. I have woken up with it wedged under my back, a few times. She has also taken to dropping it on my head in the middle of the night, she knows if it wakes me up I will throw it, and she get to chase it. She has is starting to play fetch too. I toss the bunny, she brings it back. She will do that five or six times, then decide it's time to lay the smak down, and just beat on it. She is so goofy.
Hazy is still distant with me, but i have come to terms with it. She is Daddies girl. I get to feed her, and clean the litter, and if she is really lonly i might get to pet her a little, but she is most definatly my husbands cat. she sleeps with him all night, and when he is home, she is curled up right beside him. It is very cute. It used to really hurt me, but now, I can see how much she loves him, and that he is what she needs.
well that is whats going on here. I have missed you all. I pray for you all,
with love.
Cheesy.