Unbelievable Grief, Unbelievable Grief Options

[dietersmom]

I see those words "House is so empty" and my entire body is in gut wrenching pain! On Wednesday 9/8/04 we had to put our beloved schnauzer, Dieter, to sleep. He was the light of my life, my best friend and companion (my husband's too). We don't have any children and have been married for 15 years and Dieter was 14 yrs and 4 months old. I had no idea the undescribable grief that would take over me. I can't sleep, eat, think. I really feel like I'm losing my mind. I find myself looking for him, just wanting to hold him and snuggle and get those special DeeDee kisses. He was the greatest dog, ever, truly our baby. My husbands "little boy", as he would call him. I do feel blessed that we even got a chance to spend our life with him, he was that special. In the last couple of weeks I'd noticed he was having a tough time climbing the stairs, then on 9/1 I took him to the vet to let them have a look. The took some x-rays and did blood work and started treating him with prednisone. The blood work came back with really elevated liver enzymes. On 9/3 we were back at the vet because he was running a high fever of 105. They gave him fluids and put him on an antibiotic. He wasn't interested in his food or water, so I fed him ice chips, which he always loved, to try and keep him hydrated. He didn't get better and on 9/7 we ended up at the Emergency vet with the temp back at 105 and him in great pain. I know you guys know how it just kills you to see them sick and you'd do anything to take away their pain. They took more blood, and x-rays and ended up doing an ultrasound of his liver due to even higher enzymes than on 9/1. Well that showed 5 masses in his liver, and the outlook grim. In December 2003 we had a malignant melanoma removed from his neck and it was the worst stage melanoma. So given his history, and many discussions between our vet and the Emergency vets, we had to make the decision to let him go so he wouldn't suffer. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do even though I know it was right. I spent the morning of 9/8 just loving him and he was in such pain and just let us know it was time. God, how do you prepare for this grief. I'm completely shattered and lost without him. I work for a company in another state and have my office at home and I can't even go in there. He was always with me, my little "co-worker". I miss him sooooo much. I find myself roaming the house, grabbing his toys and laying my head on his bead to just be near him. We try to sleep at night only to wake up with either myself or my husband sobbing for our "little guy". I'm so glad I found this forum. I so needed to connect with others who have been there and are there. I just don't know how to get through this.

[Saki & Freyj...]

Hi, dieter's Mom,

I am here to tell you that you are not losing your mind, and that you will get through this.

It's been -- 16 months -- since I joined the board. freyja was the first to leave us, our dog of 14 years (and we also have no human kids) on May 28, 2003. She was very sick, and we had to have her put down. I wanted to go with her, I hurt so bad. I couldn't stop thinking "I killed my dog..." I was in a tremendous amount of physical pain, and I did nothing but cry and cry and cry (and post here a lot!)... I hurt so bad, and after a few weeks, our 12 year old cat Saki died (liver cancer0, and I could only cry more, and I was convinced, sometimes, that I really was losing my mind.

I was also convinced that it would never get better.

It takes a really long time to heal. Rule of thumb: expect a month of grief for every year your life was brightened by Dieter... Of course, every one is different and so on. But be easy with yourself and know that you are going to, you have to grieve for awhile.

Oh, and don't feel guilty about the pain seeming more immense with Dieter than with humans. The day after Freyja went, my grandma went. I was close with my grandma. But... I didn't live with her. I didn't get kisses and snuggles from her every day. She had never seen me at my ABSOLUTE worst. She didn't depend on me and I didn't depend on her, the way me and the pets depended on each other...

I was lucky to be off work that summer, and so I just cried for a good solid month or two. I couldn't go out in public bc -- I'd start crying. I know you miss him, your little co-worker, but perhaps you are lucky to have this time at home to really pour your heart out.

Some things that helped: making memorials. I donated money for bricks for a vet hospital at a university. I made photo collages. I made a calendar with photos of them all (We later lost our 15 year old cat, Electra, in December; she was FIV and had renal failure). I took electra's collar and tags, and a locket my husband had given me with Saki (Saki wouldn't wear a collar), and wore those to keep them close to me. I put their stuff (brushes, toys, etc.) in a special box. We buried Frey, but got a marker for her. We had Saki and Electra cremated so they are always nearby. I sobbed through all of these things, of course... it was so hard... But I HAD to do all that crying. One way or another, it was all going to come out.

And I posted a lot, and I read a lot of posts. This helped a lot with the sanity-thing. I think I may have really lost my mind if MD didn't make this wonderful site available...

And I got through it. I still cry when I think of them. Sometimes. But sometimes I laugh, too. Wow. Sometimes I really laugh without it hurting at all, sometimes, just happy memories.

Still, I'll never forget how bad it hurts. And I am sorry for your pain, and for your loss.

Love,
Jennifer