Unbelievable Grief, Unbelievable Grief Options

[dietersmom]

I see those words "House is so empty" and my entire body is in gut wrenching pain! On Wednesday 9/8/04 we had to put our beloved schnauzer, Dieter, to sleep. He was the light of my life, my best friend and companion (my husband's too). We don't have any children and have been married for 15 years and Dieter was 14 yrs and 4 months old. I had no idea the undescribable grief that would take over me. I can't sleep, eat, think. I really feel like I'm losing my mind. I find myself looking for him, just wanting to hold him and snuggle and get those special DeeDee kisses. He was the greatest dog, ever, truly our baby. My husbands "little boy", as he would call him. I do feel blessed that we even got a chance to spend our life with him, he was that special. In the last couple of weeks I'd noticed he was having a tough time climbing the stairs, then on 9/1 I took him to the vet to let them have a look. The took some x-rays and did blood work and started treating him with prednisone. The blood work came back with really elevated liver enzymes. On 9/3 we were back at the vet because he was running a high fever of 105. They gave him fluids and put him on an antibiotic. He wasn't interested in his food or water, so I fed him ice chips, which he always loved, to try and keep him hydrated. He didn't get better and on 9/7 we ended up at the Emergency vet with the temp back at 105 and him in great pain. I know you guys know how it just kills you to see them sick and you'd do anything to take away their pain. They took more blood, and x-rays and ended up doing an ultrasound of his liver due to even higher enzymes than on 9/1. Well that showed 5 masses in his liver, and the outlook grim. In December 2003 we had a malignant melanoma removed from his neck and it was the worst stage melanoma. So given his history, and many discussions between our vet and the Emergency vets, we had to make the decision to let him go so he wouldn't suffer. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do even though I know it was right. I spent the morning of 9/8 just loving him and he was in such pain and just let us know it was time. God, how do you prepare for this grief. I'm completely shattered and lost without him. I work for a company in another state and have my office at home and I can't even go in there. He was always with me, my little "co-worker". I miss him sooooo much. I find myself roaming the house, grabbing his toys and laying my head on his bead to just be near him. We try to sleep at night only to wake up with either myself or my husband sobbing for our "little guy". I'm so glad I found this forum. I so needed to connect with others who have been there and are there. I just don't know how to get through this.

[dietersmom]

I've been re-reading all of your supportive posts and thank each of you for opening your old wounds and helping me. I'm having a tough day, well in truth last couple of days. Tomorrow will be two weeks since I held my baby and snuggled with his soft fur. I'm just really heartbroken and can't seem to stay focused on work or much else except the empty hole in my heart. I think I've moved past the questioning about whether it was the right time or not. I've accepted that we did what was best for him. I just am having a hard time with the emptiness. The HUGE hole he has left in our lives.

Everytime I leave the house and come back and no Dieter, the tears just start over again. I had lost pets growing up, but didn't experience this. I've lost close family members and didn't experience this, and I'm ashamed to admit that.

I know our furbabies give us this unconditional love that doesn't compare to anything else. Both my Husband and I have talked about how we are shocked at the grief we feel. We know how much he meant to each of us, but this feeling is just sooo unreal. I've gone back and read many of your jorneys through this, and tried to really wrap my head around the amount of time this is going to take to heal. I admire how so many of you are able to reach out and help others and in time I hope I can do the same.

My little Deet Man, my baby boy how I miss you. Words cannot even express how empty this house is. You were truly the heart of our home.