I Can't Believe This Is Happening..., Is this really my life? Options

[oliver's mama]

I can't even believe that I have to type this out. I lost my Oliver on Tues. (May 6, 2008) and I think I have died too. Friday he was fine and Tues. morning he was gone. I noticed some small brown crust that kept forming on his lip but I just got his teeth cleaned on March 31 and he seemed otherwise fine for a 12 year old cat. Vet says maybe bone cancer, definitely anemic and in renal and liver failure this weekend, but it was just so quick. I feel like I got robbed, WE got robbed. I miss him sooooo much, it feels like my chest has been spooned out with a giant melon baller and my arms physically ache to hold him. Sat. he was kind of hiding and walking just a little bit weird. I called the hospital and they said if he isn't in pain, try to hold off till Mon. since the bill would be astronomical. I got the carrier out just in case and Sun. at noon he crawled in it and howled twice. We were out the door right then. I visited him that night at the hospital for an hour and he seemed himself (nurse saw him laying with his legs out like sticks like he always did and said he was doing it out of his cage, even with his little IV) and I transferred him to the vet on Mon. morning (behind an ambulance, coincidentally.) They said he was blocked, put him under to insert a catherter and he never really recovered after that. I took him home that night to be with me just in case and tended to him all night, and he made it through. That next morning I just laid there face to face with him and told be how much I loved him and begged him to fight while he purred real faintly. He died pretty much right after I took him back to the vet's on Tues. morning and the crematory got him before I even got to say goodbye. I cry all the time, I think of all the things that he won't do anymore, no more treats or people food stalking, no more laying sprawled out on his back in the summer or laying on his belly with stick legs or head butts or putting a paw on me when we sat next to each other, the list goes on. I am drowning in utter despair. People say that he wouldn't want this, well I don't want him gone either so that makes two of us. When I don't cry, I lay there is silent horror at what has become my life. I can't eat, I wake up and cry throughout the night and sometimes I honestly think this has to be a huge nightmare because there's no way he could even possibly be gone. I have three others all the same age but I can barely stand to be at home right now, there is still evidence everywhere of our last night together that I can't bear to clean up so I sleep at friend/family houses. He was my first and loved me dearly. A few weeks ago we were sleeping (he slept with his head on my pillow next to me) and I woke up to find him studying my face with huge round people eyes and he looked so lovey and intelligent. I said "well, hi" and squeezed him but now I wonder if he knew then. My mom said he was just studying my face on Mon. night too. I have this insane urge to scream out to Heaven what I think of this and to go somewhere and tell someone in charge that there's been a mistake and I need my cat back. The world should stop turning and it fittingly has rained from Tues. on. Someone great left this earth and no one knows his loss more than me. I'm sure you all know EXACTLY how this feels and thanks for listening. It really is horrendous.

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[oliver's mama]

Concentrating on the well being, the happiness and life of my other dogs is in part what shortened my grief period. My surviving dogs are more precious to me now as a result of Duncan's passing.

I am definitely trying to concentrate on them. They don't seem to mourn too much but have been very attentive to me. I feel conflicted, on one hand it makes me paranoid that I will lose someone again soon so I love on them a great deal but on the other hand, I can't stand to be at home too long, it just eats at me that he isn't there. It's so scary now that they are all seniors. Someone meowed the other day from another room and it sounded like Oliver and it just about killed me. For just a second I forgot he wasn't here, then it crashed down again.

It's as though the world stopped and all meaning in life has vanished after one so loved has passed away. We wind up feeling lonely, empty, and without purpose in life. Our happy and content lives we lived with our furbabies has been completely turned upside down and it seems as though nothing will ever be upright ever again.

This is exactly how I feel. I can't seem to get a deep grip on anything, fortunately I have a job that allows me to come and go somewhat so I leave every Tues. from 9:30-10:30 so that I can have an hour of silence during the time that he passed on (usually I come here.) The shock has somewhat subdued, only to give way to a bottomless void that just sucks all joy out of my life. I miss him so much all the time, my heart feels like it has imploded upon itself. I wish that I could enjoy the memories and love we had but all I can feel is his loss. It's been four weeks but it feels like an eternity has passed. I just want him back regardless of the impossibility.


A letter to my Rasta cat,

Words cannot describe how I feel right now. Losing you has been an ongoing nightmare that I cannot seem to wake from. I wish to do so many things over again, I took for granted the ability to just see your face, lay around with you or even have you try to take my food from my utensils. The signs were there that you weren't feeling good, I just thought they were indicating you weren't a kitten anymore, not that you had a terminal condition. Know that I would never have intentionally allowed you to become sick, if I thought for a minute that you were dying, I would have worked my fingers to the bone to provide you with the medical care that could have possibly extended the precious time you were here with me.

I miss all the things you did, opening all the cabinets, lowering your head when I kissed you, your sommersaults when I scratched your shoulderblades. I wish you could be here to sprawl out on your back in the middle of the floor so I could stratch your armpits in the summer and warn me that water is bad and to get out of the tub. I miss you hissing at the sweeper, even after 12 years of listening to it and your ability to heal headaches with purring. I miss watching you just plop over wherever you feel like laying even if in my walking path and your general conversation with your unusual voice. I wish I could watch you act nonchalant while you slowly closed in on my food and watch you horde the catnip with your paws again. I miss you laying around with stick legs and tucking them under to make pool float position and watching you greet me at the window when I walked up the porch to come home. I miss sleeping with you right next to my face and smelling your face when we snuggled. I wish I could just have you put your paw on me while I watch tv. I would do anything just to be able to kiss your face and hold you. I want you back. You belonged to me and no one else and it seems impossible that we aren't together anymore.

I love you so much, Oliver. I know how much you loved me, even others noticed that you were mama's baby and I was adored. You came into my life when I was so lonely and the events that brought us together were nothing short of divine intervention. You brought love and laughter into my life and were the first of the family that brought me home at night and gave me meaning and responsibility. I wish that I could have made you understand how much I love you, but now that you are part of God's kingdom, I am sure you fully comprehend everything I am feeling. God brought you into my life and being the Origin of love, I am certain He will see to it that we will be reunited again someday, all of us.

I will always miss you. I will always adore you. You will never be forgotten and even though I am in turmoil over us not being in this world together and see no end in sight, you will always be a part of me. I am the luckiest woman on earth to be able to call myself your mama. We were meant to be. I love you Oliver. I love you, I love you, I love you. Now and forever.

Mama

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[havana]

I am definitely trying to concentrate on them. They don't seem to mourn too much but have been very attentive to me. I feel conflicted, on one hand it makes me paranoid that I will lose someone again soon so I love on them a great deal but on the other hand, I can't stand to be at home too long, it just eats at me that he isn't there. It's so scary now that they are all seniors. Someone meowed the other day from another room and it sounded like Oliver and it just about killed me. For just a second I forgot he wasn't here, then it crashed down again.



This is exactly how I feel. I can't seem to get a deep grip on anything, fortunately I have a job that allows me to come and go somewhat so I leave every Tues. from 9:30-10:30 so that I can have an hour of silence during the time that he passed on (usually I come here.) The shock has somewhat subdued, only to give way to a bottomless void that just sucks all joy out of my life. I miss him so much all the time, my heart feels like it has imploded upon itself. I wish that I could enjoy the memories and love we had but all I can feel is his loss. It's been four weeks but it feels like an eternity has passed. I just want him back regardless of the impossibility.


A letter to my Rasta cat,

Words cannot describe how I feel right now. Losing you has been an ongoing nightmare that I cannot seem to wake from. I wish to do so many things over again, I took for granted the ability to just see your face, lay around with you or even have you try to take my food from my utensils. The signs were there that you weren't feeling good, I just thought they were indicating you weren't a kitten anymore, not that you had a terminal condition. Know that I would never have intentionally allowed you to become sick, if I thought for a minute that you were dying, I would have worked my fingers to the bone to provide you with the medical care that could have possibly extended the precious time you were here with me.

I miss all the things you did, opening all the cabinets, lowering your head when I kissed you, your sommersaults when I scratched your shoulderblades. I wish you could be here to sprawl out on your back in the middle of the floor so I could stratch your armpits in the summer and warn me that water is bad and to get out of the tub. I miss you hissing at the sweeper, even after 12 years of listening to it and your ability to heal headaches with purring. I miss watching you just plop over wherever you feel like laying even if in my walking path and your general conversation with your unusual voice. I wish I could watch you act nonchalant while you slowly closed in on my food and watch you horde the catnip with your paws again. I miss you laying around with stick legs and tucking them under to make pool float position and watching you greet me at the window when I walked up the porch to come home. I miss sleeping with you right next to my face and smelling your face when we snuggled. I wish I could just have you put your paw on me while I watch tv. I would do anything just to be able to kiss your face and hold you. I want you back. You belonged to me and no one else and it seems impossible that we aren't together anymore.

I love you so much, Oliver. I know how much you loved me, even others noticed that you were mama's baby and I was adored. You came into my life when I was so lonely and the events that brought us together were nothing short of divine intervention. You brought love and laughter into my life and were the first of the family that brought me home at night and gave me meaning and responsibility. I wish that I could have made you understand how much I love you, but now that you are part of God's kingdom, I am sure you fully comprehend everything I am feeling. God brought you into my life and being the Origin of love, I am certain He will see to it that we will be reunited again someday, all of us.

I will always miss you. I will always adore you. You will never be forgotten and even though I am in turmoil over us not being in this world together and see no end in sight, you will always be a part of me. I am the luckiest woman on earth to be able to call myself your mama. We were meant to be. I love you Oliver. I love you, I love you, I love you. Now and forever.

Mama

oliver's mama, sorry for your loss, he was soooo beautiful, I am a man and couldn't help it but I was in tears my self when finished reading it, that is the most beautiful letter ever made to a Kid Pet. You most have loved him soooooo much like am sure he loved you too. Please don't feel bad, think about all the good times am sure you both had together becouse he will be waiting for you in heaven [This I know] God Bless and let us know if anything we could do for you, hugs from Buster and Jorge .