I Can't Believe This Is Happening..., Is this really my life? Options

[oliver's mama]

I can't even believe that I have to type this out. I lost my Oliver on Tues. (May 6, 2008) and I think I have died too. Friday he was fine and Tues. morning he was gone. I noticed some small brown crust that kept forming on his lip but I just got his teeth cleaned on March 31 and he seemed otherwise fine for a 12 year old cat. Vet says maybe bone cancer, definitely anemic and in renal and liver failure this weekend, but it was just so quick. I feel like I got robbed, WE got robbed. I miss him sooooo much, it feels like my chest has been spooned out with a giant melon baller and my arms physically ache to hold him. Sat. he was kind of hiding and walking just a little bit weird. I called the hospital and they said if he isn't in pain, try to hold off till Mon. since the bill would be astronomical. I got the carrier out just in case and Sun. at noon he crawled in it and howled twice. We were out the door right then. I visited him that night at the hospital for an hour and he seemed himself (nurse saw him laying with his legs out like sticks like he always did and said he was doing it out of his cage, even with his little IV) and I transferred him to the vet on Mon. morning (behind an ambulance, coincidentally.) They said he was blocked, put him under to insert a catherter and he never really recovered after that. I took him home that night to be with me just in case and tended to him all night, and he made it through. That next morning I just laid there face to face with him and told be how much I loved him and begged him to fight while he purred real faintly. He died pretty much right after I took him back to the vet's on Tues. morning and the crematory got him before I even got to say goodbye. I cry all the time, I think of all the things that he won't do anymore, no more treats or people food stalking, no more laying sprawled out on his back in the summer or laying on his belly with stick legs or head butts or putting a paw on me when we sat next to each other, the list goes on. I am drowning in utter despair. People say that he wouldn't want this, well I don't want him gone either so that makes two of us. When I don't cry, I lay there is silent horror at what has become my life. I can't eat, I wake up and cry throughout the night and sometimes I honestly think this has to be a huge nightmare because there's no way he could even possibly be gone. I have three others all the same age but I can barely stand to be at home right now, there is still evidence everywhere of our last night together that I can't bear to clean up so I sleep at friend/family houses. He was my first and loved me dearly. A few weeks ago we were sleeping (he slept with his head on my pillow next to me) and I woke up to find him studying my face with huge round people eyes and he looked so lovey and intelligent. I said "well, hi" and squeezed him but now I wonder if he knew then. My mom said he was just studying my face on Mon. night too. I have this insane urge to scream out to Heaven what I think of this and to go somewhere and tell someone in charge that there's been a mistake and I need my cat back. The world should stop turning and it fittingly has rained from Tues. on. Someone great left this earth and no one knows his loss more than me. I'm sure you all know EXACTLY how this feels and thanks for listening. It really is horrendous.

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[oliver's mama]

thank you all for such kind words during my grief. it's been exactly two weeks, almost to the minute now, since he passed away and i still cry every day because i miss him so much. this morning i woke up at 5:30 and started to cry as i still can't believe he's gone, even now. i feel his absence everywhere, when i clean the cat boxes he would climb in while i was half way through and leave something stinky (i really miss that), and giving treats to my others is very painful since everything i do for the other three is 25% more/less, now that i am missing one. i had to arrange their feeding places for a change but everything's a reminder, no matter whether the routine is different or the same. i just got around to doing the laundry that was soiled from his last night at home and am going to rip out the bag from the vacuum so that i have some of his hair left. it may sound gross but i just can't bear the thought of throwing it all out with the trash. now that he is gone, every piece of him i can find is golden.

about a week ago, i was driving in my car and heard my "small, still voice" tell me, "it's ok. i have him, sarah." that was the only time, for about a half an hour, that i felt any real relief. i know i am not supposed to beat myself up, but he had that black crust on his lip for weeks and i knew that it wasn't right, i just kept putting it off as though he were immortal. my friend tells me i am monday morning quarterbacking and that it does no good, but i knew better, i was even pre-vet in college before i changed majors and i worked at a clinic for over a year. even though i loved him fiercely all the days of his life, part of me feels as though i failed him at the end.

i just feel so empty, as though my chest could implode from the huge void left in it. this weekend i went shopping by myself for a few hours and it was all i could do to not sit down and cry right there in the store. people have been very kind, most everyone i know has pets or at least understands how much i love mine and that i am in mourning. my best friend even changed her myspace to oliver's aunt and used his picture. no one has suggested that i should just get over it or that he was "just a cat" (thankfully, as there would be a swift and terrible rebuttal.) i really can't stand being alone for any amount of time, and hanging out at home is so much of a reminder. this in turn makes me panicky because i think about the fact that every day that goes by is one day closer to the inevitable for my others who are all senior. he was my first and the others came soon after so collectively they all represent an era of my life that someday will be over. they have loved me unconditionally through all areas, boyfriends, college, jobs, etc. to not have that physically present anymore from oliver is an indescribable loss.

i was on this site ten years ago when my pumpkin died from FLV. this place was the first website i ever really visited on the internet and remembered how kind and understanding everyone was as he was not only my first solid pet loss, but the first loss of anyone i was close to. thank you all for your prayers and condolances and i offer the utmost of mine in return.

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