To My Touch, July 22, 1993 - July 13, 2007 Options

[crystal0]

My dear Touch,

It has been a little over 8 weeks since you have gone to Rainbow Bridge, and each day without you is still difficult for me. I think back on our many years together -- you were a part of me for half of my life.

I miss you so much! There are days when I am completely lost in my grief, longing to hold you and see your face again.

I remember when we first got you. It was March of 1998, and I was just a kid. Actually, at that time I did not think much about getting a dog, it was my dad who had agreed to get two Pekingese dogs from his co-worker, who was a breeder.

When we went and picked you and your female friend, Ripple, up, I was pretty frightened of you! You protected Ripple, jumping up, barking and growling if hands came close. But eventually, I was not a stranger to you anymore. As I grew to love you more and more, my family decided to give both you and Ripple away, saying that two dogs was too many to handle. They did not inform me of their decision ahead of time. I came home one day to people taking you and Ripple away.

I begged and begged for you back, until one day, the new owners also could not take care of two dogs, and you were given back to me.

And so we lived on together.

Touch, I wish I appreciated you more when I was younger. Those days that I would stay out forever with my friends and not spend time with you, watch TV without you in my lap, enjoy the sunshine without you next to me...countless days when both you and I were younger that I wish I showed you my love. I hope that you forgive me for those days of neglect, and know that I love you so very much.

You were my special "old man," as weird as that sounds. You looked like a grumpy guy, but I knew that you were happy and that you loved me. I used to get extremely mad when anyone made negative comments about your looks. I wanted to scream. To me, you were the most beautiful dog, and I saw the light in you where no one else did.

It saddens me thinking of how numbered our days were after you were diagnosed with cancer. We had only about a month before you had to go. I wished everyday would never end. I see that I was being selfish, not wanting you to go, despite that you were in pain and the illness was growing. I look at the latest pictures of you, and cry. You looked like you were hurting so much.

I will always remember your cute little face with your tongue sticking out. I will always remember you gazing at me from your bed, and I would think, "I am so lucky to have you."

I am so grateful to have had you in my life. I truly was blessed. You made me a better person, teaching me the importance of patience and the greatness of love.

You will always be in my heart, and our souls will be intertwined forever. You took a part of me along with you that day you left. I know I will see you again one day, and everything will be perfect with you in my arms again.

I love you so much,
Crystal

[crystal0]

Touch,

I've been thinking a lot about you lately. Today is 10 months without you. I miss you so much.

I had a hard time today, and especially earlier this week. I'm finding absolutely no one that I can talk to.

I was never very religious, but after losing you, found myself praying more and trying to talk to you more. It's the only time I've really felt a connection when I pray. If I were raised more religious, then I would have such strong faith in God, but that was not the case, and I am finding my faith through losing you. I don't know if that makes sense. But, today I asked a close friend if she had ever prayed to God about Touch, or talked to Touch, since she is religious, and got a reponse of "Touch isn't a big deal to me, he didn't even like me. Praying to God is a part of a religion, not..." and did not finish the sentence. Why am I giving off the impression that praying and talking to you is fun and games?

Then, when I started becoming emotional I received a "I think when you get older you will look back and think 'why did I cry so much because of Touch?' Why do you waste your tears on him when you know he is ok?". I don't know if it's alright for me to be upset with that comment. I am though. I cry for you because I love you and miss you so much. I can't help it. This isn't something that I am going to look back on and think the situation was any less important, and that I could have handled it differently. I know you are in Heaven, and you are healthy and happy, but it does not make it any less painful for me to be without you.

I've been compared to a "crazy" person, someone who is overly emotional and sensitive. And then I begin to question myself. After ten months, and still having some awfully bad days, maybe I'm not normal.

I am so frustrated. I thought that my complicated feelings were over with, but right when I try talking to someone about it, I am always disappointed and feel like I am even more alone, that I shouldn't have even tried to open up.

I wish you were here. I love you so much.

Crystal

[goliath]

That is such a wonderful letter to Touch. Your friend wasn't very comforting to you when you needed her most. There is a huge difference between religion and spiritualality. Someone can know textbook religion easily. But without spiritualality it means nothing but book knowledge. Sharing compassion, faith, and hope with others as well as understanding and love is what a true messenger of God sends.

Don't give up on what you are seeking because of this so called friend. If you continue to seek..........you will find the answers and comfort you need. Not only is it okay for you to feel the way you do, there would be something terribly wrong with you if you didn't. Don't ever let anybody infer that you are "crazy." Her comments were made of pure ignorance.

"Until one has loved an animal, a part of one's soul remains unawakened." I don't remember who it was that made this profound statement, but I never forgot what they said.

You are not alone Crystal. Keep trying to open up and let those feelings out. Pick your confidants wisely because many will not understand because they can't. Either somebody has it or they don't.

May you be blessed with comfort and understanding and keep the love you have for Touch in your heart. The special love you and Touch have will last til the end of time.

Hugs to you Crystal with much love,
Beth