I Can't Believe This Is Happening..., Is this really my life? Options

[oliver's mama]

I can't even believe that I have to type this out. I lost my Oliver on Tues. (May 6, 2008) and I think I have died too. Friday he was fine and Tues. morning he was gone. I noticed some small brown crust that kept forming on his lip but I just got his teeth cleaned on March 31 and he seemed otherwise fine for a 12 year old cat. Vet says maybe bone cancer, definitely anemic and in renal and liver failure this weekend, but it was just so quick. I feel like I got robbed, WE got robbed. I miss him sooooo much, it feels like my chest has been spooned out with a giant melon baller and my arms physically ache to hold him. Sat. he was kind of hiding and walking just a little bit weird. I called the hospital and they said if he isn't in pain, try to hold off till Mon. since the bill would be astronomical. I got the carrier out just in case and Sun. at noon he crawled in it and howled twice. We were out the door right then. I visited him that night at the hospital for an hour and he seemed himself (nurse saw him laying with his legs out like sticks like he always did and said he was doing it out of his cage, even with his little IV) and I transferred him to the vet on Mon. morning (behind an ambulance, coincidentally.) They said he was blocked, put him under to insert a catherter and he never really recovered after that. I took him home that night to be with me just in case and tended to him all night, and he made it through. That next morning I just laid there face to face with him and told be how much I loved him and begged him to fight while he purred real faintly. He died pretty much right after I took him back to the vet's on Tues. morning and the crematory got him before I even got to say goodbye. I cry all the time, I think of all the things that he won't do anymore, no more treats or people food stalking, no more laying sprawled out on his back in the summer or laying on his belly with stick legs or head butts or putting a paw on me when we sat next to each other, the list goes on. I am drowning in utter despair. People say that he wouldn't want this, well I don't want him gone either so that makes two of us. When I don't cry, I lay there is silent horror at what has become my life. I can't eat, I wake up and cry throughout the night and sometimes I honestly think this has to be a huge nightmare because there's no way he could even possibly be gone. I have three others all the same age but I can barely stand to be at home right now, there is still evidence everywhere of our last night together that I can't bear to clean up so I sleep at friend/family houses. He was my first and loved me dearly. A few weeks ago we were sleeping (he slept with his head on my pillow next to me) and I woke up to find him studying my face with huge round people eyes and he looked so lovey and intelligent. I said "well, hi" and squeezed him but now I wonder if he knew then. My mom said he was just studying my face on Mon. night too. I have this insane urge to scream out to Heaven what I think of this and to go somewhere and tell someone in charge that there's been a mistake and I need my cat back. The world should stop turning and it fittingly has rained from Tues. on. Someone great left this earth and no one knows his loss more than me. I'm sure you all know EXACTLY how this feels and thanks for listening. It really is horrendous.

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[Jon730]

I woke up to find him studying my face with huge round people eyes and he looked so lovey and intelligent. I said "well, hi" and squeezed him but now I wonder if he knew then. My mom said he was just studying my face on Mon. night too. I have this insane urge to scream out to Heaven what I think of this and to go somewhere and tell someone in charge that there's been a mistake and I need my cat back. The world should stop turning and it fittingly has rained from Tues. on. Someone great left this earth and no one knows his loss more than me. I'm sure you all know EXACTLY how this feels and thanks for listening.

Like all stories here it is beautiful and heartbreaking. I liked what you said about "feeling scooped out". Those were words I did not find in March, but they fit too well. It just all seems wrong.
How is it that a creature so different from us by Evolution or Design (It does not matter for the purpose of the post), with a brain a fraction the size of ours, be so smart and such an important life partner to us? To become "promoted" to human by their closeness to us-Or how we are "promoted" to Honorary Cat?
After a special relationship with an animal I tend to look at a stray as a friend I have not met yet.
There is a post on here that has the topic "Do animals have souls?".
My special relationship began the day, after she was in the house for a year, she looked into my eyes..and someone was living in there! It was almost unsettling, and very strange. For one I did not try to &%^yze it, and accepted it, and there I was, with a Cat Wife. And she did look into me that awful day at the vet's. It looked like SHE felt sorry for ME!
That was two months ago. I have a new "applicant" who will try his best to fill the scooped out part. He will not, of course, but the trying will help. Maybe someday, he will grow into that special relationship, but I fear it will take some time, and probably years, if ever.
But she will never be replaced. They are all SUCH individuals, all so different, that I fear that was a once in a lifetime offer....
It slowly gets better, from a dagger thrust to a dull ache. But it's never gone. My wife has never been the same from the loss of her Aussie Terrier twenty years ago.
How can a nine pound* creature leave such a big hole?


*After her diet!