I Can't Believe This Is Happening..., Is this really my life? Options

[oliver's mama]

I can't even believe that I have to type this out. I lost my Oliver on Tues. (May 6, 2008) and I think I have died too. Friday he was fine and Tues. morning he was gone. I noticed some small brown crust that kept forming on his lip but I just got his teeth cleaned on March 31 and he seemed otherwise fine for a 12 year old cat. Vet says maybe bone cancer, definitely anemic and in renal and liver failure this weekend, but it was just so quick. I feel like I got robbed, WE got robbed. I miss him sooooo much, it feels like my chest has been spooned out with a giant melon baller and my arms physically ache to hold him. Sat. he was kind of hiding and walking just a little bit weird. I called the hospital and they said if he isn't in pain, try to hold off till Mon. since the bill would be astronomical. I got the carrier out just in case and Sun. at noon he crawled in it and howled twice. We were out the door right then. I visited him that night at the hospital for an hour and he seemed himself (nurse saw him laying with his legs out like sticks like he always did and said he was doing it out of his cage, even with his little IV) and I transferred him to the vet on Mon. morning (behind an ambulance, coincidentally.) They said he was blocked, put him under to insert a catherter and he never really recovered after that. I took him home that night to be with me just in case and tended to him all night, and he made it through. That next morning I just laid there face to face with him and told be how much I loved him and begged him to fight while he purred real faintly. He died pretty much right after I took him back to the vet's on Tues. morning and the crematory got him before I even got to say goodbye. I cry all the time, I think of all the things that he won't do anymore, no more treats or people food stalking, no more laying sprawled out on his back in the summer or laying on his belly with stick legs or head butts or putting a paw on me when we sat next to each other, the list goes on. I am drowning in utter despair. People say that he wouldn't want this, well I don't want him gone either so that makes two of us. When I don't cry, I lay there is silent horror at what has become my life. I can't eat, I wake up and cry throughout the night and sometimes I honestly think this has to be a huge nightmare because there's no way he could even possibly be gone. I have three others all the same age but I can barely stand to be at home right now, there is still evidence everywhere of our last night together that I can't bear to clean up so I sleep at friend/family houses. He was my first and loved me dearly. A few weeks ago we were sleeping (he slept with his head on my pillow next to me) and I woke up to find him studying my face with huge round people eyes and he looked so lovey and intelligent. I said "well, hi" and squeezed him but now I wonder if he knew then. My mom said he was just studying my face on Mon. night too. I have this insane urge to scream out to Heaven what I think of this and to go somewhere and tell someone in charge that there's been a mistake and I need my cat back. The world should stop turning and it fittingly has rained from Tues. on. Someone great left this earth and no one knows his loss more than me. I'm sure you all know EXACTLY how this feels and thanks for listening. It really is horrendous.

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[LoveThem]

I am so very sorry about Oliver. You are right about the fact that we here do understand exactly how you feel. It sounds from what you wrote that everything happened so fast. When you are thinking good things and then the unexpected happens and it seems like everything goes completely the opposite way, it is devastating.

I had my Little Guy over 16 years. I was talking to his vet on Thursday about bringing him in on the following Tuesday and discuss how he was doing...then on Monday we went through a horrible experience...everything happened very fast and you feel when things do calm down you turn around and your special one is gone. Twice the devastation.

We vent, we cry until we are exhausted and then we cry some more. It may make things easier if everything does not stay as it was ...as a big reminder. Maybe you could ask your Mom or your friend to pack anything you want to save but don't want to look at right now. What helped me was to change the look of the rooms somehow so they looked a little different. I have put pictures of my Little Guy in each room so when I walk in...I can look at him and for a moment...savor a memory of him being there. Places where he liked to lay...well I put flower arrangements there instead so the spaces did not look empty.

You said you have 3 others. How are they doing? They know something happened. I know before I lost my last one and had one left...it helped me to hug him and talk to him...somehow that helped take away some of the emptiness.

And yes, we do feel as though the world should at least stop everything for a few minutes in respect..instead of everything going on as usual.

When we lose them..it is the worst time of all. When we feel overwhelmed by the pain it causes...sometimes thinking of things others have said can help.

One of the most meaningful things I have read here about a loss from a "mom" who was devastated was: The pain of losing him will never ever be greater than the joy of knowing him.

That's a powerful thought to hold onto. It takes time before we start allowing any healing to begin and during that time we are in terrible pain. Eventually we learn we should concentrate on the wonderful memories we have of our special ones. Each time the pain comes, we force our minds to remember a better time until the sad times aren't allowed to overwhelm us anymore.

Coming here and writing as you did was a very good thing to do. You might even want to write a letter to Oliver and talk to him about how you are feeling. Many of us do that many times.

Take care and know you are not alone in what you are going through. For many of us, it is like looking in a mirror. We learn how to survive and feel blessed we were given the gift of having these special ones in our life for the time given to us. We always want more time but we are not in charge of that part of life.

That pictures of Oliver as a kitten is absolutely beautiful! When you feel like it, you can write and tell us stories of Oliver so we see his personality through your eyes. One day you will find you may smile at so many memories and know you two were good together...only now he is residing in your heart and is a part of you that can never be taken away.