Unbelievable Grief, Unbelievable Grief Options

[dietersmom]

I see those words "House is so empty" and my entire body is in gut wrenching pain! On Wednesday 9/8/04 we had to put our beloved schnauzer, Dieter, to sleep. He was the light of my life, my best friend and companion (my husband's too). We don't have any children and have been married for 15 years and Dieter was 14 yrs and 4 months old. I had no idea the undescribable grief that would take over me. I can't sleep, eat, think. I really feel like I'm losing my mind. I find myself looking for him, just wanting to hold him and snuggle and get those special DeeDee kisses. He was the greatest dog, ever, truly our baby. My husbands "little boy", as he would call him. I do feel blessed that we even got a chance to spend our life with him, he was that special. In the last couple of weeks I'd noticed he was having a tough time climbing the stairs, then on 9/1 I took him to the vet to let them have a look. The took some x-rays and did blood work and started treating him with prednisone. The blood work came back with really elevated liver enzymes. On 9/3 we were back at the vet because he was running a high fever of 105. They gave him fluids and put him on an antibiotic. He wasn't interested in his food or water, so I fed him ice chips, which he always loved, to try and keep him hydrated. He didn't get better and on 9/7 we ended up at the Emergency vet with the temp back at 105 and him in great pain. I know you guys know how it just kills you to see them sick and you'd do anything to take away their pain. They took more blood, and x-rays and ended up doing an ultrasound of his liver due to even higher enzymes than on 9/1. Well that showed 5 masses in his liver, and the outlook grim. In December 2003 we had a malignant melanoma removed from his neck and it was the worst stage melanoma. So given his history, and many discussions between our vet and the Emergency vets, we had to make the decision to let him go so he wouldn't suffer. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do even though I know it was right. I spent the morning of 9/8 just loving him and he was in such pain and just let us know it was time. God, how do you prepare for this grief. I'm completely shattered and lost without him. I work for a company in another state and have my office at home and I can't even go in there. He was always with me, my little "co-worker". I miss him sooooo much. I find myself roaming the house, grabbing his toys and laying my head on his bead to just be near him. We try to sleep at night only to wake up with either myself or my husband sobbing for our "little guy". I'm so glad I found this forum. I so needed to connect with others who have been there and are there. I just don't know how to get through this.

[gingerspal]

oh yes dietersmom, it is so common with everyone who has had to decide about euthanasia!! nearly EVERYONE revisits the decision and second guesses it. I have come to see that this uncertainty comes part and parcel with the entire experience.
We humans tend to project human capacities onto our pets. I am not sure why we do that...but we do.
Consider that Dieter never thought into the future. He never had one thought aside from his here and now. So he never thought anything about the advancing and upcoming minute or hour--he never thought about next week or next month...those are only human concepts. So you have deprived Dieter of nothing. WE feel deprived because we consider things like maybe I could have had him one more day (or some such thought) ---but the only thing Dieter was deprived of was suffering and pain. He is not looking down from the rainbow bridge and saying you could have "bought" me a couple more days!! No, dietersmom...instead he is looking down and wagging his tail and saying thank you for the good sense you showed--thank you for loving me so much you were willing to do the hardest thing you've ever done so that I could be released from pain!
I haven't seen any cats that resemble my Ginger and I am glad of it!! It is hard enough to see the neighbors cats stroll through Ginger's "territory" unchallenged. He sent them all packing within moments of stepping a paw into "his" yard. I am jealous and envious that they are walking around and Ginger isn't. Small of me I know!! and I know too that I will get over it one day (won't I???)
{{{{{{{{{{dietersmom&dad}}}}}}}}}}}!!!
Love
Patti