The Pain Options

[Gort]

Ava was a german shepherd cross with a coyote (?). I picked her up in a small town when the local police planned to put her down if no one took her. She was a stray about 6 months old that had been dropped off. I'm a big german shepherd fan and after my last one was hit by a truck and killed several years prior, I hadn't planned on getting anything other than another pure bred. She was sickly and underweight and obviously been abused by who ever had her first. She was german shepherd looking enough that I took her in. That was over 15 years ago.

It took her a long time to figure out that she was a dog. She used to get car sick after about a mile of driving, she was afraid of water, didn't bark and was quite timid. When my job changed, I now went out into the bush alot in my work truck. I figured I'd start taking her with me and if she got sick in the back of my truck, I could just hose it out... no problem. It wasn't long before she started to dance around when she heard "go for a ride?" Once when we were out walking on logs that spanned a creek I 'accidently' bumped her and she lost her balance and had to jump into the creek. Once she realized that she could swim I couldn't keep her out of the water. She never did figure out that when swimming, save taking a drink until later so she would paddle about lapping up water as she went. Silly dog. She never did get into chasing sticks or balls and it took her a LONG time to teach her the few tricks that she eventually picked up on. She didn't have a mean bone in her body. Perpetually shedding her thick coat.

She was never allowed to run free except when I took her out in the field for work. In my humble opinion, that's where alot of accidents and illnesses come from so from the beginning, she was on a chain. As my living cir%%stances changed, she got a cable/pulley run attached to her chain which expanded her area to practically the entire back yard. I moved to a house that had a yard that I could afford to fence so that's what I did. Six feet high all around and no more chain. The second winter at this place we got a lot of snow which 'shrunk' the height down to about 3 feet so you guessed it, she started hopping the fence and wondering the neighbourhood always coming back after a few hours. Once the snow melted she wouldn't jump the fence anymore. The following fall, we got the first skiff of snow and I guess she figured "ground is white, so I can jump the fence". From then on it didn't matter if there was snow or not, she would jump over the 6 foot fence and go for a stroll at her leisure. Unfortunately, that meant time to go back on the chain for her own protection. Again I moved this time she got a 100 foot cable/pully run. Of course when ever I went to work that didn't involve the office, she was my trusted companion that accompanied me everywhere.

Recently, my son moved away leaving me and Ava to hold down the fort. She was my best friend. Always there for me with an uncanny ability to know when I was feeling down. She'd come sit beside me and nudge me or rest her head on my leg, just to let me know she was there for me.

I put her out after feeding on last Thursday at about midnight. I had an office day on Friday so no field day for her. Normally as part of my morning routine, I'd look out in the back yard to see what 'Dog' was up to and watch her for a bit but I didn't do that Friday. I went to let her in for visit time and feeding at about 9pm on Sept 3. I didn't get a response when I asked my usual, "Doggest want to go inside?" I then found her lying at the bottom of the stairs looking like she was asleep but I knew that the sound of the door and my voice would have made her get up if she could. I knew the minute I saw her that she had passed on.

Ava had slipped away sometime the previous night or during the day, age had caught up with her. She was about 15 to 16 so she had a good life. I miss her terribly. I didn't think I could cry this much over a 'pet' but I am finding out differently. I found this site while at work this morning and started crying again when I read some of the forums.

[Gort]

I'm glad today is over with. It was the first time I went back to the bush with out my buddy. I realized it was exactly 2 weeks ago (another anniversary thing) that I last took her with me. Her muddy paw prints are still on the tail gate and that in itself was almost enough for me to break down. It was hard leaving town for the bush with out doing my usual stop off at home to pick Ava up. But I managed to keep it together for the most part. I was close to pulling over and crying several times seeing as tear welled eyes causes blurry vision... not a good thing while driving.

It rained a couple of times and it reminded me of the when I would stop and put if in the cab of the truck if it was raining out which is not allowed at work. Nothing better in life than that sweet aroma of 'Eau de Wet Dog'. I did see a rainbow today tho and it made me think of the Rainbow Bridge. In a bizzar sense, I'm looking forward to my own demise now so that I can be with her again. Weird stuff. But that will have to wait until my time here is finished. Man that will be quite the managery... Ava, Mott, Helga, Midnight and Princess will be waiting for me. I thought of that Eric Clapton song 'Tears in Heaven".

I don't know how many times I checked my rear view mirror for Dog to see if she was there but of course she wasn't. I missed her company while walking the blocks and checking roads. I missed her face in the mirror with her tongue and slobber flying. Coming home from work is really tough too. Whether or not she had gone with me that day, she would always peer around the side of the house to the sounds of my truck pulling in. Quickly followed by her racing to up the back porch, her little face peering in the window while she 'danced' around, hoping to draw enough attention from me that I would let her in... it worked almost every time.

Oh damn... I lost it . Altho I know it's therapeutic (sp?) coming here and 'venting', it's also very very hard. I'm thinking of dropping my avatar... seeing her face makes me so sad. When I see her picture my eyes well up and it's all I can do to keep from bawling. Ya, I know, it will get better with time. I made it 3 days without breaking down and I am allowed to have relapses.

I still haven't heard back from the vet yet about her ashes but that is something I am dreading as well so I won't be checking on it yet. Maybe if I haven't heard by the end of the week I will be able to call and ask what the hold up is.