My Whole Life Is Different, I lost my dog after 16 yrs Options

[KayMarie]

I've been to this website a lot over the past few weeks, some of the stories here have made me cry more than I already do, but this is my first post.

Zizi was a pure-bred Shih Tzu and my parents bought him for me when I was about 16 months old. My mom always says he was small enough to fit in her hand when she bought him and was so cute, she knew she just had to get him and even borrowed money from my Aunt to do it. Because she helped pay for him, my Aunt named him Azizi, which means "precious" in Ibo. But we just called him Zi or Zizi.

I was too young to remember, but when she first brought him home, I didn't understand he was a little living thing. I accidentally squeezed him a little hard, but after I learned how to play with him, I never stopped.

I had my dog my entire life until now. When my parents divorced, when we moved out of the house I grew up in, when my grandmother died, Zizi was always like a rock for me and could comfort me even if I were otherwise inconsolable. He was never trained and always had free run of the house. He practically lived like a temple dog, which is what Shih Tzu's were bred for.

He liked Pepsi, though he only had it twice by accident. Anytime someone opened a can, he'd beg for it.

When no one else would deal with the little brat, I would, because I am one myself. When my grandmother died, Zizi (who was also attached to her) started sleeping in my room because we both needed the extra comfort. He liked to lick people and would do it incessantly. He liked to have his belly rubbed all the time and would roll on his side the moment someone showed any interest in him.

My freshman year of high school, possibly the worst year of my life, was bearable because I had my dog with me. The thought that no matter what happened, ZIzi would still be there for me, kept me from true isolation and depression that year and made my life better every year afterwards.

Zizi died at the vet's office while I was away in Arizona. He was about 16 years old, and I had been expecting his death but it still caught me off-guard completely. We were raised together, so I don't remember any point in my life until now where I didn't have my dog with me. I was his main caretaker, he slept in my bed, I fed him, and walked him. Aside from my mom, who occasionally offers her sympapthy, nobody else in the house seems to notice or care that he's gone, but I've been coming home after school and crying for nearly two weeks.

I don't like being around people with dogs anymore. I stopped talking to one of my friends because she's always playing with her three dogs when I call her. I'm feeling burned-out all the time, though I can never fall asleep, and I can't concentrate on my school work.

I had always wanted to be there when he went, and I suppose that's what keeps me up at night. I knew I'd cry, but I never really expected it to be this bad. I miss my little boy, he loved everyone, but as equals in his little kingdom, not as "masters" or "owners." He knew I was not the greatest person ever, but still loved me. I loved him back and the hardest thing in the world to get used to life without him.

Me and Zizi (1989)

[gingerspal]

Hi KayMarie,
I love that photo too!
You have described how others "don't care" and how upsetting that is--agreed!! I still am a bit in awe of how almost "disinterested" people seem about my loss and it catches me off guard from time to time...but I have finally come to grips with the fact that my people in my life are not going to greive my loss. They are pretty much caught up in their own universes...as I am certain your friends and family are too! I think if you want empathy you are just going to have to come here where people "get it"!

Your relationship with zizi was so unique! you grew up with zizi and many of your life experiences were shared with zizi--the people around you did not have that same type of relationship with zizi and therefore they really can not "feel your pain". That is the accurate truth.

I agree with Gort. I know that you feel you should have been there for zizi for the end..but if you go through some of the posts here you will find that many many people are totally tramautized by "being there". Things played out the way they did as part of a big plan. We can not undo anything that is done. None of us can. If I knew what I did not know then I would have handled everything so differently!! but alas, we can not go back in time and change things and nothing will be gained by beating ourselves up about how things unfolded in our individual situations.

You benefited greatly from your stewardship of zizi--& you honor zizi now to forge ahead without regret. It helps to share all that you are feeling --maybe you can write up an tribute to your zizi and place it on the memorial board--that way it will always be there and you can come back and add to it whenever you want to. And don't forget--we are here..your new friends. Just as zizi has our pets to play with and romp with at the rainbow bridge--you have us. we are always here.

Thinking of you!
{{{{{{{{{{{{{KayMarie}}}}}}}}}}}}
Love
Patti