Hello Every One. Options

[Cheesy]

hello every one,
Sorry i have been gone so long. Ive had a really bad patch recently, and I have not followed the advice I have given other people, Come back and share.
I was doing pretyy well with my griefe, but I fell apart again. It all started more than a month ago. I started dreaming about Cheddar. Nightmares that woke me up in tears, and dreams he was still with me. I woke up one night, and could have sworn he was on the bed with me, but he wasnt and I was devistated again. I crawled back into my hole of dispare, and shut out every one. For that i am sorry. It has been almost nine months since we lost him, and I still fall to pieces. I know that griefe does not have a time line, but I wish i could heal.
I keep seeing pictures of orange and white tabbies, and It almost brings me to tears, a freind has a big tom cat orange and white, and he breaks my heart. I love to visit with him, but when I leave I feel this empty place where cheddar was. I am thinking of taking down his picture and ashes, they are on a book shelf in the living room. I find my self staring at them, and crying. hazy is still very distant with me, and it hurts. Nori and i are bonding, but in the depression i have been dealing with, she is driving me nuts. her antics, and energy tire me somtimes. I hate myself for typing that, but i really need to just get it out. I am a house wife, and I spend alot of time with my cats, when one ignores me, and the other is driving me nuts, i just don 't know what to do. she is sweet to though and when she is calm, and i am not so wraped up in my slef, we are very close. She is turning into a lap cat, when she isnt running around like a kitten gone crazy. I know she is still a kitten, and high enegy just comes with that, but somtimes i justdon't have the energy for that. I feel like a very bad kitty mom. I keep blaming myself for things that arnt my fault, like losing cheddar, like hazy's grief, blasming my self that I wasnt what she needed.
Hazy just turned six years old within the last two weeks, and i find myself thinking about loosing her, and how much i would miss her. cats can live along time, but they don't live forever, and now after 8 months since we lost cheddar, i find my self petrified of losing another cat. I fear that I just wont be able to handle it. I know that this is all so selfish, I know I am sefl centred in alll this, I just can't seem to get out of it all.
So I dicided to come back to LS, and reconnect. I think about you all often, and i hope that you are all well. For those who are new since my absence, I am sorry for all your losses, and i hope that you find comfort here. For those who i know here I hope you all are finding comfort too.
I am sorry for disapearing, and i hope you can all forgive me. I am so glad to be back. I have missed you all so much.
with love,
Cheesy.

[goliath]

Our babies don't dwell in the past so neither should we...that is what their unconditional love is all about....it is truly unconditional. As humans, we are the only ones thinking about could of, should of, would of.....conditions we are attaching to ourselves that hamper our healing.

I love how you worded this particular clip Judy. There is a freedom for us when we can begin to let go of those awful feelings. You are so right about our furloves.......they would definately want us to find a way to become happy and healthy just as they knew us when they were here on earth and in our arms sharing our love and homes.