Hello Every One. Options

[Cheesy]

hello every one,
Sorry i have been gone so long. Ive had a really bad patch recently, and I have not followed the advice I have given other people, Come back and share.
I was doing pretyy well with my griefe, but I fell apart again. It all started more than a month ago. I started dreaming about Cheddar. Nightmares that woke me up in tears, and dreams he was still with me. I woke up one night, and could have sworn he was on the bed with me, but he wasnt and I was devistated again. I crawled back into my hole of dispare, and shut out every one. For that i am sorry. It has been almost nine months since we lost him, and I still fall to pieces. I know that griefe does not have a time line, but I wish i could heal.
I keep seeing pictures of orange and white tabbies, and It almost brings me to tears, a freind has a big tom cat orange and white, and he breaks my heart. I love to visit with him, but when I leave I feel this empty place where cheddar was. I am thinking of taking down his picture and ashes, they are on a book shelf in the living room. I find my self staring at them, and crying. hazy is still very distant with me, and it hurts. Nori and i are bonding, but in the depression i have been dealing with, she is driving me nuts. her antics, and energy tire me somtimes. I hate myself for typing that, but i really need to just get it out. I am a house wife, and I spend alot of time with my cats, when one ignores me, and the other is driving me nuts, i just don 't know what to do. she is sweet to though and when she is calm, and i am not so wraped up in my slef, we are very close. She is turning into a lap cat, when she isnt running around like a kitten gone crazy. I know she is still a kitten, and high enegy just comes with that, but somtimes i justdon't have the energy for that. I feel like a very bad kitty mom. I keep blaming myself for things that arnt my fault, like losing cheddar, like hazy's grief, blasming my self that I wasnt what she needed.
Hazy just turned six years old within the last two weeks, and i find myself thinking about loosing her, and how much i would miss her. cats can live along time, but they don't live forever, and now after 8 months since we lost cheddar, i find my self petrified of losing another cat. I fear that I just wont be able to handle it. I know that this is all so selfish, I know I am sefl centred in alll this, I just can't seem to get out of it all.
So I dicided to come back to LS, and reconnect. I think about you all often, and i hope that you are all well. For those who are new since my absence, I am sorry for all your losses, and i hope that you find comfort here. For those who i know here I hope you all are finding comfort too.
I am sorry for disapearing, and i hope you can all forgive me. I am so glad to be back. I have missed you all so much.
with love,
Cheesy.

[Cheesy]

I wrote this a couple weks ago. it's not very good, but it captures what i was feeling, am still felling, and mabey what some of you may be feeling to.

Grief Revisted.

I miss the sound your paws made as you ran across the floor.
I miss they way you never failed to meet me at the door.
I miss the sound of you purring as I was trying to sleep,
I miss the way you told me you loved me,
Never makeing the slightest peep.

I miss they way your breath smelled as you liked my nose,
I miss the way while I was resting you pounced upon my toes.
I miss they way sat upon the tub as I took my shower.
I miss the way you played with me,
and the way you always ate my flowers.

I just miss every things about you.