Remembering Hani, My Beautiful Little Girl Options

[Hani&Bruno]

Hello everyone,

It's been 12 days since Hani, my beautiful little girl passed away at the age of 13. She was diagnosed with a heart condition 15 months ago, but had been doing well through medication and treatment until a week before when she noticeably got weaker. Completely devastated and in overwhelming grief and pain, I desperately needed consolation and solace, and "Lightning Strike" was one of the few shelters that I could take myself under.

Of this tragedy, I was informed a day later by my younger sister in Seoul, Korea, who has been the main caretaker to Hani for all these years. I left Hani and my family in September 1999 for the United States, and have not been able to visit them once during the last 7.5 years. Reasons were plenty for both why I came here and why I could not visit them, but it is unncessary to go into details here. When and ever since I left Korea, the one that I missed the most was Hani, the beautiful little Maltese girl, who I loved so much. I loved my other family -- my mom, brother and sisters -- but unlike with them I was not able to really communicate with Hani and I was so saddened when I thought about how my little Hani would be wondering what happened to her "big brother" Jay. According to my mom, Hani sat at the door waiting for me to come home, for a good couple of weeks. Through all these 7.5 years, Hani has been a kind of a token of my promise and hope of seeing my family again. I thought to myself that I had to just go see her before it's too late. But 7.5 years was too long a time for a 5.5 year old dog, and now Hani is no longer in Seoul but in heaven.

While coping with my grief and pain, I found one of the hardest part of it the feelings of guilt and regret. The thought I somehow failed to keep my promise with Hani tormented me so badly. I have my own life here with a loving partner and another wondeful puppy named Bruno. Even though I'm sure that I did not love and miss Hani any less than I loved Bruno, it still hurt me so much that I was not able to see her again and maybe more profoundly that I had to leave her. Troubling throughts, one after another, came inside me and bothered me. I tried so hard to remind myself that Hani, even without me there, was surrounded by so many other family members who loved her as much as I did, had a wonderful happy life of 13 years, and left this earth as an angel for heaven. And, I believe it is true. She WAS a very happy girl who lived a full life of love and happiness, and she must have already understood why I wasn't able to come and see her and forgiven me.

No moment awake passed by without me keenly conscious of the dreadful fact that Hani is no longer with us. I was not able to go to sleep without a few drinks. I could not really eat, talk with people who do not know about what I was going through, and found everything else meaningless. I cried and cried at home from work. I prayed and prayed that God would give me strength to get through this period and also that Hani's new life in heaven would be a blessed one. I read two books: "Grieving the Death of a Pet" by Betty J. Carmack, and "Goodbye Friend" by Gary Kowalski. Reading "Grieving the Death of a Pet" helped me a lot. It's full of such comforting and healing words!

More than 10 days later, now, I am still (of course) in the midst of my grieving, but with a little more hope for healing and peace. I am praying that I will be able to remember my little girl Hani with more smile than tears. I will still cry, but with tears from love and thanks rather than of pain and sorrow.

Please kindly keep Hani and me in your prayer and thoughts, friends. It will mean a lot to both of us. Thank you!

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[goliath]

The loving memories we keep in our heart forever is what our loved furangels leave for us when they pass and move onto heaven. When there is a death that hurts us so much it stimulates all kinds of changes in many people. It forces us to think about what is really important in life.

When my precious Goliath passed away suddenly in my arms I was absolutely shocked and devastated. The dark, empty, and lonely hole I crawled into after he left was the most horrible place I have ever been. The longer I stayed there, the more isolated I felt, and I realized that I had become a prisoner of the worst kind of dark spirit there could possibly be.

When I found this site in early January I was able to begin to heal. As I began my journey of healing, little by little I began to reawaken and open my mind and heart. Goliath made a difference in the quality and meaning in my life while he was here and after his death my life changed yet again. The latter is what changed me most as I realized the many lessons of love he taught me while he was here would carry on through his teachings for the rest of my life.

Today I am full of happiness and look forward to each and every day. It is what I do on this day with my life that will make my memories of tomorrow. The present is what I look at to make the very best of, because tomorrow has not arrived yet. It is said that if we have one foot into yesterday and the other in tomorrow, that we miss the opporunity of making today unique and meaningful.

As you remember your sweet Hani at this one year anniversary of her death may you savor in the beautiful memories you and she made together. The beauty of Hani is all around you and in you for the rest of your natural life and one day you and she will reunite in heaven.