Remembering Hani, My Beautiful Little Girl Options

[Hani&Bruno]

Hello everyone,

It's been 12 days since Hani, my beautiful little girl passed away at the age of 13. She was diagnosed with a heart condition 15 months ago, but had been doing well through medication and treatment until a week before when she noticeably got weaker. Completely devastated and in overwhelming grief and pain, I desperately needed consolation and solace, and "Lightning Strike" was one of the few shelters that I could take myself under.

Of this tragedy, I was informed a day later by my younger sister in Seoul, Korea, who has been the main caretaker to Hani for all these years. I left Hani and my family in September 1999 for the United States, and have not been able to visit them once during the last 7.5 years. Reasons were plenty for both why I came here and why I could not visit them, but it is unncessary to go into details here. When and ever since I left Korea, the one that I missed the most was Hani, the beautiful little Maltese girl, who I loved so much. I loved my other family -- my mom, brother and sisters -- but unlike with them I was not able to really communicate with Hani and I was so saddened when I thought about how my little Hani would be wondering what happened to her "big brother" Jay. According to my mom, Hani sat at the door waiting for me to come home, for a good couple of weeks. Through all these 7.5 years, Hani has been a kind of a token of my promise and hope of seeing my family again. I thought to myself that I had to just go see her before it's too late. But 7.5 years was too long a time for a 5.5 year old dog, and now Hani is no longer in Seoul but in heaven.

While coping with my grief and pain, I found one of the hardest part of it the feelings of guilt and regret. The thought I somehow failed to keep my promise with Hani tormented me so badly. I have my own life here with a loving partner and another wondeful puppy named Bruno. Even though I'm sure that I did not love and miss Hani any less than I loved Bruno, it still hurt me so much that I was not able to see her again and maybe more profoundly that I had to leave her. Troubling throughts, one after another, came inside me and bothered me. I tried so hard to remind myself that Hani, even without me there, was surrounded by so many other family members who loved her as much as I did, had a wonderful happy life of 13 years, and left this earth as an angel for heaven. And, I believe it is true. She WAS a very happy girl who lived a full life of love and happiness, and she must have already understood why I wasn't able to come and see her and forgiven me.

No moment awake passed by without me keenly conscious of the dreadful fact that Hani is no longer with us. I was not able to go to sleep without a few drinks. I could not really eat, talk with people who do not know about what I was going through, and found everything else meaningless. I cried and cried at home from work. I prayed and prayed that God would give me strength to get through this period and also that Hani's new life in heaven would be a blessed one. I read two books: "Grieving the Death of a Pet" by Betty J. Carmack, and "Goodbye Friend" by Gary Kowalski. Reading "Grieving the Death of a Pet" helped me a lot. It's full of such comforting and healing words!

More than 10 days later, now, I am still (of course) in the midst of my grieving, but with a little more hope for healing and peace. I am praying that I will be able to remember my little girl Hani with more smile than tears. I will still cry, but with tears from love and thanks rather than of pain and sorrow.

Please kindly keep Hani and me in your prayer and thoughts, friends. It will mean a lot to both of us. Thank you!

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[Hani&Bruno]

One year has passed since Hani's passing...

My body knew, when March began, that this one year anniversary was really coming up, and it did. Yes, like everybody says, it's quite hard to believe. My beautiful Hani must be by now quite comfortable with the life in Heaven. When I think that, it makes me smile.

Two days ago, as I was very much getting into this mode of "remembrance" and "anniversary," I heard a 85 year old lady living across the hallway from where I live with Larry (my partner) and Bruno (my "another Maltese" boy) had just passed away. She was diagnosed with lung cancer only about a couple of months ago. All of that led me to think again about death, and thus, life as well.

Since Hani left us here in the earth for Heaven a year ago, my life externally probably has not changed much, but my life spritually has gone through a lot, a lot of changes, that is, I guess, and I think I owe Hani one more thing: She tremendously helped me get mature. I have been reading quite substantially (at least compared to before), starting with "grieving and surviving from loss of beloved animal friends" and moving on to "afterlife of animals," "animal rights," "vegetarianism," and "Buddism." I became semi-vegetarian (I still eat fish and seafood), I became much more "mindful" at all times, and I find myself trying to be gentle and compassionate to myself, my loved ones and others.

It's amazing that the passing of Hani, my precious girl, brought about this much change in me. And again, I thank her for that. Still, more than anything, I miss her so very dearly.

I love you Hani, and we will all be together in Heaven when the time comes. You know that, right? Be happy and patient there. And, see you soon!:-)

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