Help - I Need Some Advice Options

[mpetrauski]

So it's the third day since Toby has died and the rip-your-heart-out, panicky, intense pain has turned into that heavy dull ache that sits at the bottom of your heart. Instead of running away from the pain I'm trying to just work through it naturally, just crying or feeling sad when I need to. I know it will take me a very long time to really feel okay but I know I'll get there.

Here's my issue, though, and I can't believe I'm even writing about this 3 days after...

About a week before Toby's passing I had seen a beautiful FeL+ cat listed on petfinder.com. Not only is he FeL+ but from the description it sounds like he also suffers from cerebral hypoplasia. Poor guy has two strikes against him. Eric and I both fell in love with his photo and story and felt like he would be a wonderful addition to the family. Crazy? Most people would think so but we're both big softies. I sent an email requesting some more info but to my surprise no one responded. We opted to forget about it and decided that we would not actively pursue the adoption of any more special needs cats (we already had tried once before and there were just too many things that weren't working). We decided that if we were supposed to have a 3rd cat, the universe would let us know. Then with Toby and all the sorrow that his loss has brought everyone has urged me not to adopt any more sick cats. Just last night Eric and I had a talk and I said, "yeah, I don't know if I can do it again...maybe only if something was presented to me" End of story.

Until I came into work this morning and lo and behold the foster mom of the wobbly FeL+ cat had emailed me, telling me how sweet he is and explaining their application process. I wrote back that due to our loss and grief I wasn't sure and would need some time to think about it. Last night I was pretty sure about not taking on any more cats but now, well, I can't believe it but I'm actually considering the pros and cons.

Part of me feels so guilty in even toying with the idea of adopting a new cat so soon after. I'm in mourning and part of me wants to really wallow in it for a while; it feels like a betrayal to Toby's memory to love another. The other part of me though feels that to forever close my heart and home off to another needy animal is selfish. Toby lived a wonderful life because we welcomed him. Doesn't another animal deserve the same? I mean, there will NEVER be another Toby. He will always have a special place in my heart, a place that no person or animal will ever be able to touch. I also thought the timing of the email was curious. I'm not someone who overly reads into coincidences but when they strike me as odd, I always take a second look.

As painful as it is I feel like like these cats come into my life for a reason and that giving them a family to call their own has become my own little humble role in the universe. Does that sound extraordinarily weird?

I'm curious to see what others think. I am I jumping back into the fire too soon or is continuing on the right thing?

Normally when I quiet my mind my gut speaks to me but on this issue it is silent, for now.

[LoveThem]

I'm glad to see you back. I understand what you are saying about Ruby. After I lost my last and favorite boy, Little Guy, in September....I adopted a 2 year old boy cat from the local SPCA. He is also affectionate and was rescued from a kill shelter and then the people moved away and left him on his own until a neighbor picked him up and took him to the local no kill SPCA. He arrived there in September. I had a hard Christmas without my boy here and the day after Christmas I adopted this new boy.

I don't know exactly what feelings come to us. I loved my Little Guy but then I had him from birth and for over 16 years. That's a long time to create a bond. I care about this new boy and he does love to purr and give "kisses" on the cheek but I feel differently about him than my boy. I know I feel protective of him. I know I don't want to lose him by him getting out the door. His personality and being are very different from my boy except the new one looks similar...his name is Lucky and you can tell from below that I have posted pictures of him in New Beginnings and my Little Guy in Tributes plus he is my avatar. If you go there you will see how he looks like my Little Guy in some ways.

You have only had this baby for a week. You have only lost Toby a month ago. This is all like "seconds" in time. I don't know that we can ever feel the same about each baby we adopt because they are their own unique personality. Maybe we look for something but we don't know what so we are disappointed when we can't find it. I understand feeling a sense of being detached..I can feel that when I look at the new one and think of the one I lost. I want my boy back but that can't happen. I can honestly say I enjoy the distraction from grief this new fellow provides. He is being trained out of some bad habits he must have developed when abandoned but I can tell he is trying and that he also loves being in our home.

You can have a different bond and a different connection with Ruby but it takes time for this to grow. Don't feel bad because you think right this moment you don't feel a bond you are looking for. It will come in time....each day creates a new memory of you and Ruby and suddenly you may turn around and realize there is a connection and there is a bond between you that has its own uniqueness. Already you have mentioned her "beautiful, silly face"...think about that...sounds like a bonded connection is happening at its own pace.

Take Care and keep us updated on how you are doing and feeling and how Ruby is doing. I am so glad you got her and I can tell from your words that you are glad too.