Mr. Bojangles, My friend is gone Options

[BJsFriend]

My friend and I spent 12 years together. I hope he had a good life. The house is so quiet without him and everything is so different. I'm haunted by his passing- it was sudden and very unexpected. I should have seen it coming though- I've heard that cats will act like kittens before they go. That is exactly what happened for BJ. It began about two weeks ago. I can still hear his cries that brought me to find him in the kitchen, paralyzed and scared. I cuddled him and told him it was ok and that I love him. As soon as I got to him, he stopped crying and died. I'm pretty sure he had a stroke. That morning, his tongue was sticking to his mouth and at the time I thought he just needed a drink of water. I think it must have been numb. When I got to him, all he could do was yell for me. He couldn't move and he didn't look at me until I picked up his head to look in his mouth. I couldn't find anything in there and I know now that he couldn't have been choking on anything because he was able to yell for me. He couldn't close his big, beautiful eyes, so I did for him. When I got up from the floor, all I could do was scream at the top of my lungs, as loud as I could for as long as I could. For the next 30 minutes, I waited for my wife to get home and we have cried about it ever since. She is better at dealing with it that I am- no matter who passes away.
She came home to find him on the kitchen rug that I put him on to get him off the cold floor, and under a towel he liked to lay on to keep him warm. He was still so soft and so warm. His passing still haunts me even though it was on leapday.
What's crazy is that we spent exactly 12 years together- he found me on leapday 1996. I miss him so much and I just want to hold him again. Did I do the right thing? I keep thinking that maybe if I would have tried to resuscitate him, maybe he would still be alive. But he really couldn't move and I'm really not 100% certain what killed him. I think that if he had a heart attack, he wouldn't have been able to call for me. Maybe if I would have been with him just before, I could have been with him longer and he could have passed more peacefully. I'm just eaten up inside about what I could have done differently so that he wouldn't have been so scared. I have this pain in my stomach that feels like a rock is in there. Our other kitty, Opie has always known Mr. BoJangles and he keeps looking for him. I think lately he is just missing him because yesterday, he found a clump of hair from BJ's brush and sniffed it for about 5 minutes. He won't go to the litterbox, he goes beside it and his eyes just look so sad. My two dogs are beside themselves and even though the TV is on in the livingroom, it is so quiet in the house. It was always BJ who would go around the house and 'mer' at everything and everyone. He would march from room to room and seem to be in two places at once. I can't stop crying when I think that BJ isn't here anymore. He is being cremated today or tomorrow and he will be back in the house by the end of the week. I think he would like that because he always did like boxes.

[LoveThem]

I am so sorry to read about BJ. What a heartbreaking experience to go through. My Little Guy staggered into our Living Room barely able to breathe and wanting help. That was the most horrible experience I ever went through with one of my special babies. These kind of moments become horror stories and thankfully they appear rare in one's lifetime. I got mine to an ER and I could have kept him alive if I had been willing to put him through having his chest drained of fluid..maybe everyday..I made the decision to release him but I did think when he staggered in to let us know he needed help that he lay so still and I couldn't see breathing that I asked my husband if he thought he had died. He said he didn't know so I grabbed up my boy and he was startled into consciousness but I ran to his carrier and we drove immediately to the ER. They put him on oxygen to ease his discomfort and took x-rays which found the fluid filling his chest preventing his lungs from expanding in order for him to breathe. He was 16 years old.

I often wondered what I would do if my cat had a stroke or heart attack. You went through such a horrible experience but I know you did the best you could at the time...that's what we will eventually realize we really did so, even though later we start questioning our actions. When you have never been in a certain emergency situation before...there is no way (unless you are a vet) you could possibly know exactly what to do by understanding the symptoms and having been taught what they mean. I agree it would be a haunting experience. I am glad you had the years with him that you did. At least he knew you were there at the end and he was not alone. I know that doesn't seem like a big comfort but when something like this happens, we look for what we can that lets us know we did help in some way.

And, this has been so very recent that the only relief possible may be crying, screaming, venting in any way possible to help ease the intense pain that appears and that we live with for quite a while afterwards. BJ died so quickly I can't see any way you could have done anything to save him...you did not have time to take him to a vet and not knowing exactly what was wrong...it just may have been a blessing that if it was meant to happen that his time was up..that it was quick. Please do not tear yourself up inside wondering what you could have done differently. It sounds like it happened very very fast. That's when life seems so cruel to us..it is bad enough our babies are taken away from us but for them and us to go through a heartbreaking experience at the end is...just so cruel. They don't deserve it and neither do we. He is at peace now but you are just beginning the pain of it all. Come here and read some of the stories and realize you are not alone in that pain. It is one we all are feeling (due to a recent loss like yours) or we have been there in that intense time and understand exactly how you are hurting. Only time helps healing so that even though these emotions never totally go away, there is a time we do not feel overwhelmed by them constantly.

I smiled at your last sentence..about BJ liking boxes....I have just gotten a shelter cat a couple of months ago and he jumps into every open box he can find so I understand that sentence so clearly.

If you have pictures of BJ, there is a Tribute section here (you can see my postings about my Little Guy) that you can eventually think about posting some pictures, especially any that were your favorites. Or just post one here so you can look at it when you visit this thread you started. Doing this when you feel like it really does help...it makes you focus on seeing BJ at a time when all was well, when you two were making a good memory...it is the good memories that eventually must replace the sad ones...for there to be some peace and healing.

You say you have other animals so I assume you have a vet they have gone to. You might think about having a visit with that vet where you tell him exactly everything you have described here and ask him for his best opinion as to what happened and I am sure he will tell you there was nothing you could have done in the cir%%stances as you have described them. I know most people would only go to a vet WITH an animal but for me...I would have been willing to pay for a visit and the vet's time...hoping he will give me answers I can feel more at peace with. Whatever he would tell me about the situation would be more than I would know by myself. It is just a thought that might help ease your pain somewhat at this time. I called the vet that put my baby down ...about 3 days later and asked she call me when she had a moment. She did call and we talked for about 1/2 hour on the phone. I told her now that all was over and I wasn't crying hysterically while making that decision with my boy in the next room.....I wanted to know what she really thought about what happened, what we did to try and help, and especially the final decision. That talk really helped me find a little peace at a time the pain was most intense.

Again, I am so very sorry to hear what happened. Keep posting here. Maybe even write a letter to BJ saying how you feel....you can see others have done that. Do anything you feel will help you at this time. Use this forum to get your feelings out by writing about them rather than letting the pain build up inside and wondering how to find some relief.

Take Care and know you are not crying alone.