Help - I Need Some Advice Options

[mpetrauski]

So it's the third day since Toby has died and the rip-your-heart-out, panicky, intense pain has turned into that heavy dull ache that sits at the bottom of your heart. Instead of running away from the pain I'm trying to just work through it naturally, just crying or feeling sad when I need to. I know it will take me a very long time to really feel okay but I know I'll get there.

Here's my issue, though, and I can't believe I'm even writing about this 3 days after...

About a week before Toby's passing I had seen a beautiful FeL+ cat listed on petfinder.com. Not only is he FeL+ but from the description it sounds like he also suffers from cerebral hypoplasia. Poor guy has two strikes against him. Eric and I both fell in love with his photo and story and felt like he would be a wonderful addition to the family. Crazy? Most people would think so but we're both big softies. I sent an email requesting some more info but to my surprise no one responded. We opted to forget about it and decided that we would not actively pursue the adoption of any more special needs cats (we already had tried once before and there were just too many things that weren't working). We decided that if we were supposed to have a 3rd cat, the universe would let us know. Then with Toby and all the sorrow that his loss has brought everyone has urged me not to adopt any more sick cats. Just last night Eric and I had a talk and I said, "yeah, I don't know if I can do it again...maybe only if something was presented to me" End of story.

Until I came into work this morning and lo and behold the foster mom of the wobbly FeL+ cat had emailed me, telling me how sweet he is and explaining their application process. I wrote back that due to our loss and grief I wasn't sure and would need some time to think about it. Last night I was pretty sure about not taking on any more cats but now, well, I can't believe it but I'm actually considering the pros and cons.

Part of me feels so guilty in even toying with the idea of adopting a new cat so soon after. I'm in mourning and part of me wants to really wallow in it for a while; it feels like a betrayal to Toby's memory to love another. The other part of me though feels that to forever close my heart and home off to another needy animal is selfish. Toby lived a wonderful life because we welcomed him. Doesn't another animal deserve the same? I mean, there will NEVER be another Toby. He will always have a special place in my heart, a place that no person or animal will ever be able to touch. I also thought the timing of the email was curious. I'm not someone who overly reads into coincidences but when they strike me as odd, I always take a second look.

As painful as it is I feel like like these cats come into my life for a reason and that giving them a family to call their own has become my own little humble role in the universe. Does that sound extraordinarily weird?

I'm curious to see what others think. I am I jumping back into the fire too soon or is continuing on the right thing?

Normally when I quiet my mind my gut speaks to me but on this issue it is silent, for now.

[mpetrauski]

Thanks, everyone, for all the different perspectives. Everyone had a valid point (Hailey-Comet, I think you and I are of the same mind!)

I think for now I'm not going to make any concrete decisions. Last night Eric and I both agreed that we miss the energy that you have in a multi-pet household and that we'd like to adopt again but at this very moment I couldn't tell you when that'll be and if it'll be another cat, a dog, a hamster, rabbit, 3-toed sloth, etc. Beaglegirl, I would love to adopt another special needs pet. Unfortunately due to the nature of feline leukemia, I can only bring in another affected cat. That's why I was originally drawn to Weebles, having both leukemia and cerebral hypoplasia (and yes, I am familiar with cerebral hypoplasia). I'm not going to force anything, though. If things move forward with Weebles maybe we'll meet him and see how we feel. I did email his foster mom and explained our situation so we're certainly not committed to anything. Otherwise I'm going to just focus on getting through each day. I know my heart will let me know loud and clear when I'm 100% ready to go back down that road again.

All that aside, I'm so very down this morning. I'm going to visit my parents tomorrow and spend some quality time cuddling the cats I grew up with ("fuzz therapy" I call it). But I'm dreading Sunday night. Eric will be working overnight so I will be left all alone. Since Toby's died I cannot stand to be alone anymore. If I'm talking to someone at least I can focus my thoughts a little better. When I'm alone it's so easy to get overwhelmed. I used to have a real problem being on my own. Eric often works hours opposite to my own and I would become very depressed (I used to live at home until we made it semi-official so there was always someone around). After we adopted Toby, though, I got a lot better. He was such a good friend, better than my human friends, all who lived outta state and I see less and less. I stopped feeling lonely. Toby was a source of amusement, affection. And now with him gone....We still have our other cat, Mia, but she's tough to be friends with. She is very beautiful and very aloof. I'm trying to give her all the love in the world but it's hard when she's not interested.

Wow, I apologize. This post suddenly veered way off course. I apologize for starting to spill my guts about everything. I hope anyone who made it to the end of this rambling post isn't blind!