I Can't Smile Without You, still missing my Zita Options

[Zita'sMom]

It is almost 7 weeks since my Zita cat never returned home. (We are 99% sure she was taken by a cougar.) Last night I couldn't sleep and she used to be the one to comfort me at those times. But she's not here to do it now and I feel such a big void.

I thought I was starting to deal with it better since I wasn't waking up in a kind of nightmare feeling each day, but I still cannot resolve my feelings about the unfairness of having lost such a young pet so unexpectedly. The main losses I've had in my life so far have been losing fur children. Last year I had to euthanize my best dog companion and soul mate 17 year old Merlin when he became so uncomfortable that I couldn't stand to watch his pain anymore. In 2004 my cat Missy died of liver cancer. My husband's cat Tiffany who I had known for only 8 months was also killed last year at only 3 years old by the neighbour's dog. I have had 3 losses over less than 2 years. All of the losses have been painful, but I have been able to accept them for different reasons at those times. I just can't accept the unfairness of losing my bright light Zita when she had so much life left in her, at only 3 years old. She gave me so much energy and love, and I feel cheated.

Together my husband and I now have 5 dogs and Zita's brother Zeus, so you'd think that would keep me busy enough, but Zita was special and I just can't explain to friends and family how deeply this loss hurts. Most just think I am crazy for having this number of pets in the first place. I just want to cry non-stop today. I seem to have a well of tears in me because I miss Zita so deeply. I just wonder if I will ever reach a point of happiness again. The funny thing is, I know there are things I could do to try to feel happier, but I don't want to. It's like this misery is a blanket that keeps me warm and safe. I don't want to get on with life. I just want my Zita back. I don't think I have ever felt such resistance to "what is" before. I believe in living in the present, accepting what is, and dealing with it. I just can't solve my problem - the problem of bringing her back to me. When I think about accepting this, I just don't want to. I know my other pets need me and I'm giving them lots of attention. I am pretty grumpy with everyone else human who is close to me though. I just feel like retreating. I still do what needs doing, but not with much enthusiasm.

I find that every opportunity I get I want to go to the SPCA or the city pound and look at the cats. Yesterday I saw another orange tabby girl who had the big purr that Zita had, though she was much more shy. She could have been Zita's cousin or Aunt. There was another calico there as well who reminded me of my old cat Missy. I find it therapeutic just to sit with them and see who approaches me. I'm not exactly sure even why I'm there. Just trying to fill that hole I guess. There was another tabby that had allergies and looked so sick. Then a tiny older boy with crusty eyes. If I had the space, could afford it and I didn't have so many high energy dogs I think I would take in these old crusty and sick ones.

It's funny, the only thing that momentarily cheered me up was that Monty Python song "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life", especially that line "Life's a piece of **** when you look at it". Okay, yes I'm still in a black state, but that did kinda make me feel better. There's those other lines "You come from nothing, you're going back to nothing, what have you lost, nothing!" That pretty much sums up how I feel.

Jan.

[Zita'sMom]

Hi all

It has been awhile since I posted with many ups and downs along the way. The past year was going from one blow to the next with family health problems, my lost Zita who never returned, then Christmas with my little 4 year old niece in hospital suffering an illness that remains undiagnosed.

However, there was one bright light that has lifted me up in the past few weeks. I had mentioned an orange tabby female who I kept visiting at the SPCA. I was told by the vet tech who helped to spay her that she was skittish, and that her temperament might not be so good for our house full of highly active dogs. So I put the thought aside for awhile. There has been such a big hole with Zita gone and every day was a reminder of that loss. She can't be replaced and so I had mixed thoughts about getting another cat.

Then the day before Xmas I asked my husband if he wanted to check on this female tabby one more time. I figured by this time it should be obvious if she didn't get along with the other cats in the shelter and maybe that would be an indication of her character. The thing with this cat was that her size and markings are different than my Zita and Zeus, but her physical characteristics are exactly like theirs. Like her huge purr, the way she swallows (sounds weird maybe, but they have a certain thing they do), the way she reacts to surprise, her meow (exactly like Zita). I swear she is related to them, maybe mom, aunt, cousin, sister, I don't know. Anyway, when we walked in my husband saw the resemblance too. We both felt that it was right. On December 27th we adopted her and gave her the name Ziggy.

By the next day Ziggy was laying on the bed with 3 of our dogs, not skittish at all. Zeus has been so lonely without Zita and the big question was how she would react to him since we know he is good with other cats. Although I didn't expect them to cuddle together, they follow each other around everywhere and sleep within a foot of each other - that's a good start. Zita used to let Zeus steal her food but not Ziggy! She asserts herself very well amongst 5 dogs and Zeus. It is nice to see Zeus playing again and the two following each other everywhere. Ziggy even likes to lay in the sink like Zita used to do. Ziggy came to the SPCA with her 2 year old daughter, who was adopted before her, so she suffered a loss as well. When we took her home in her little cat crate, I have never heard a cat purr so loud in the car. She must have known she was coming home since car rides are not usually a cat's joy.

I still think of my Zita every day. I still feel immense grief about her loss and I still want her back in an irrational way. The biggest difference is that Ziggy makes Zeus happier and her own little ways are a pleasant distraction. Ziggy is herself, not the same as Zita, but she does have some of the same gentle sweet qualities. Ziggy is at least 5. I adopted Zita and Zeus when they were about 7 months old. Zita never really learned distrust and I think that's why she was such a snuggler - snuggling with the dogs, with us, and with Zeus. These are the rare and special qualities I will always miss. The thing is, that life moves on whether she is here or not, so it then becomes a decision of how best to cope. For me, Ziggy has been the best way to cope with Zita's loss; doing something to make life better for another cat. (My parents are still scratching their heads at that! Why would I want another animal, am I nuts?! )

Although I still really just want Zita back, it helps to focus on thoughts of the sweet things she did and not the nightmare of her loss.

I await the day I will meet my special Zita again.... As long as my mind is sound, I will always remember her.

Jan.