I Can't Smile Without You, still missing my Zita Options

[Zita'sMom]

It is almost 7 weeks since my Zita cat never returned home. (We are 99% sure she was taken by a cougar.) Last night I couldn't sleep and she used to be the one to comfort me at those times. But she's not here to do it now and I feel such a big void.

I thought I was starting to deal with it better since I wasn't waking up in a kind of nightmare feeling each day, but I still cannot resolve my feelings about the unfairness of having lost such a young pet so unexpectedly. The main losses I've had in my life so far have been losing fur children. Last year I had to euthanize my best dog companion and soul mate 17 year old Merlin when he became so uncomfortable that I couldn't stand to watch his pain anymore. In 2004 my cat Missy died of liver cancer. My husband's cat Tiffany who I had known for only 8 months was also killed last year at only 3 years old by the neighbour's dog. I have had 3 losses over less than 2 years. All of the losses have been painful, but I have been able to accept them for different reasons at those times. I just can't accept the unfairness of losing my bright light Zita when she had so much life left in her, at only 3 years old. She gave me so much energy and love, and I feel cheated.

Together my husband and I now have 5 dogs and Zita's brother Zeus, so you'd think that would keep me busy enough, but Zita was special and I just can't explain to friends and family how deeply this loss hurts. Most just think I am crazy for having this number of pets in the first place. I just want to cry non-stop today. I seem to have a well of tears in me because I miss Zita so deeply. I just wonder if I will ever reach a point of happiness again. The funny thing is, I know there are things I could do to try to feel happier, but I don't want to. It's like this misery is a blanket that keeps me warm and safe. I don't want to get on with life. I just want my Zita back. I don't think I have ever felt such resistance to "what is" before. I believe in living in the present, accepting what is, and dealing with it. I just can't solve my problem - the problem of bringing her back to me. When I think about accepting this, I just don't want to. I know my other pets need me and I'm giving them lots of attention. I am pretty grumpy with everyone else human who is close to me though. I just feel like retreating. I still do what needs doing, but not with much enthusiasm.

I find that every opportunity I get I want to go to the SPCA or the city pound and look at the cats. Yesterday I saw another orange tabby girl who had the big purr that Zita had, though she was much more shy. She could have been Zita's cousin or Aunt. There was another calico there as well who reminded me of my old cat Missy. I find it therapeutic just to sit with them and see who approaches me. I'm not exactly sure even why I'm there. Just trying to fill that hole I guess. There was another tabby that had allergies and looked so sick. Then a tiny older boy with crusty eyes. If I had the space, could afford it and I didn't have so many high energy dogs I think I would take in these old crusty and sick ones.

It's funny, the only thing that momentarily cheered me up was that Monty Python song "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life", especially that line "Life's a piece of **** when you look at it". Okay, yes I'm still in a black state, but that did kinda make me feel better. There's those other lines "You come from nothing, you're going back to nothing, what have you lost, nothing!" That pretty much sums up how I feel.

Jan.

[Zita'sMom]

  Anyways, as I tried to reorganize my world , let go of the past now that I was without my cats, I found myself grieving not only for them but for many things  that you're not supposed to grieve, mid life, loss of youth, loss of being a parent to cats or kids,  other unresolved issues that still caused me pain and that I had stashed away in the corners of my soul and had not had the courage to face before.  All these little bugs  coming to the surface of a deep deep well where my soulmate lay and each one of them to be skimmed off best as I could so to speak.

Hi Toonie

You word this so well. This is exactly right. It's like everything that has gone wrong up until now I have "handled" but it all brews up inside me with the loss of my one special angel who kept me together. I was so sure she would be with me for a long time, that it makes me feel less secure in my life; that I really don't know how long anything will last.

Yukon was my focus, my allowed grief made it easier to go into griefs I had not allowed myself before.  I told  you before that Zeta's pictures where she is asleep and looks so content remind me so much of my dear Yukon.

I would love to see a picture of your Yukon. Do you have one you can post?

I think I made it through better than if I had tried put aside all this.

I totally agree. Some people don't like my grieving. It bothers my mom - she thinks I am dwelling on it. That's because she doesn't like the feeling of it and doesn't want to be around it. But I feel what I feel. I don't want to be upbeat and happy right now. That doesn't mean I won't give myself permission to smile and laugh, but it means that I acknowledge the deep pain within me. It is there and it is unmistakable. It is like the Kahlil Gibran poem - my well of joy is my well of pain. The pain shows just how much joy she gave me. It is also still a huge shock to me. It was the most unexpected thing.

if you feel that at the same time you need to make a difference into another little soul's journey, well who is better equipped for this than  animal lovers such as yourselves, soothing that little being on to a  better life and soothing your own soul at the same time, that sounds like a really good idea too.  But first and especially, be receptive and gentle to yourself, know that you are your own best caretaker and provide for what your heart and soul will whisper for. 

I really appreciate these words. Most people cannot understand why we have taken on the animals we have. We have 2 dogs that have seizures sometimes, one I refer to as my "attention deficit dog". We have a 16 year old border collie who has some age related special needs and a German Shepherd who is a bit of a social misfit. Our latest foster which we adopted, is a very shy border collie. Our place is a bit of a zoo, but I know our dogs feel secure where they are.

Zeus is not feeling well today. He hardly ate anything. He was at the vet a couple of weeks ago because he got bit by a neighbour's cat (he is not a fighter, probably was seeking some feline attention.) He was on antibiotics for 10 days, and seemed okay, so I don't know what's wrong. I need to have him treated for tapeworms. He is swallowing a bit funny and I wonder if he could have a hairball. I gave him some hairball medication this evening, so I'll see if he eats much tomorrow. I am sure he is also missing Zita. I give him lots of love, but this evening he just seems off.

There is an orange tabby girl at the SPCA who I am curious about. She could never be Zita, but she looks like a cat that could be brought out of herself with some care. I am going to keep checking on her. She was just spayed a few days ago, so not out for public display right now. First I want to make sure Zeus is feeling okay. I want to also see if she is okay with new cats. If it is meant to be, it will be. I still want Zita back - if she could reincarnate and come back here, I don't care if I had 20 cats, I would take her back! It's a bit of a weird stumbling block, as if I am afraid she might think I would accept a subst*itute... but I know she was a wise cat who understands.

Thanks again Toonie, for your words of wisdom....

Jan.