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#1
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![]() Group: Pet Lovers Posts: 433 Joined: 11-November 07 Member No.: 3,938 ![]() |
It is almost 7 weeks since my Zita cat never returned home. (We are 99% sure she was taken by a cougar.) Last night I couldn't sleep and she used to be the one to comfort me at those times. But she's not here to do it now and I feel such a big void.
I thought I was starting to deal with it better since I wasn't waking up in a kind of nightmare feeling each day, but I still cannot resolve my feelings about the unfairness of having lost such a young pet so unexpectedly. The main losses I've had in my life so far have been losing fur children. Last year I had to euthanize my best dog companion and soul mate 17 year old Merlin when he became so uncomfortable that I couldn't stand to watch his pain anymore. In 2004 my cat Missy died of liver cancer. My husband's cat Tiffany who I had known for only 8 months was also killed last year at only 3 years old by the neighbour's dog. I have had 3 losses over less than 2 years. All of the losses have been painful, but I have been able to accept them for different reasons at those times. I just can't accept the unfairness of losing my bright light Zita when she had so much life left in her, at only 3 years old. She gave me so much energy and love, and I feel cheated. Together my husband and I now have 5 dogs and Zita's brother Zeus, so you'd think that would keep me busy enough, but Zita was special and I just can't explain to friends and family how deeply this loss hurts. Most just think I am crazy for having this number of pets in the first place. I just want to cry non-stop today. I seem to have a well of tears in me because I miss Zita so deeply. I just wonder if I will ever reach a point of happiness again. The funny thing is, I know there are things I could do to try to feel happier, but I don't want to. It's like this misery is a blanket that keeps me warm and safe. I don't want to get on with life. I just want my Zita back. I don't think I have ever felt such resistance to "what is" before. I believe in living in the present, accepting what is, and dealing with it. I just can't solve my problem - the problem of bringing her back to me. When I think about accepting this, I just don't want to. I know my other pets need me and I'm giving them lots of attention. I am pretty grumpy with everyone else human who is close to me though. I just feel like retreating. I still do what needs doing, but not with much enthusiasm. I find that every opportunity I get I want to go to the SPCA or the city pound and look at the cats. Yesterday I saw another orange tabby girl who had the big purr that Zita had, though she was much more shy. She could have been Zita's cousin or Aunt. There was another calico there as well who reminded me of my old cat Missy. I find it therapeutic just to sit with them and see who approaches me. I'm not exactly sure even why I'm there. Just trying to fill that hole I guess. There was another tabby that had allergies and looked so sick. Then a tiny older boy with crusty eyes. If I had the space, could afford it and I didn't have so many high energy dogs I think I would take in these old crusty and sick ones. It's funny, the only thing that momentarily cheered me up was that Monty Python song "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life", especially that line "Life's a piece of **** when you look at it". Okay, yes I'm still in a black state, but that did kinda make me feel better. There's those other lines "You come from nothing, you're going back to nothing, what have you lost, nothing!" That pretty much sums up how I feel. Jan. |
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#2
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Group: Pet Lovers Posts: 628 Joined: 25-February 07 Member No.: 2,632 ![]() |
Dear Jan, Hugs to you, I can not begin to imagine all the emotions that come with losing a pet this way, it must be so hard, when an animal becomes sick the rush of emotions comes on real hard too but at least there is a part of hope to counter the despair, that something can still be done etc.. whereas I was sort of already boarded on the misery train you were suddenly catapulted aboard and it must be very hard. I have found that over a year ago I not only lost my two cats but at the same time my whole world seemed to be crumbling and I did have a lot of the Monty Python song sort of thoughts.(thanks Nickels for citing the source, I do feel like looking into this, it's been so long Ive seen anything by these crazies, it might do a lot of good to be in that kind of company and that song which i didn't know fits, i want to hear it!) (and Furkidlets is the one with the responsible breeder quip) Anyways, as I tried to reorganize my world , let go of the past now that I was without my cats, I found myself grieving not only for them but for many things that you're not supposed to grieve, mid life, loss of youth, loss of being a parent to cats or kids, other unresolved issues that still caused me pain and that I had stashed away in the corners of my soul and had not had the courage to face before. All these little bugs coming to the surface of a deep deep well where my soulmate lay and each one of them to be skimmed off best as I could so to speak. Yukon was my focus, my allowed grief made it easier to go into griefs I had not allowed myself before. I told you before that Zeta's pictures where she is asleep and looks so content remind me so much of my dear Yukon. Although I can no longer hold him physically, I believe that Yukon is now 'holding' me, by remaining 'intouch' with him he has become my real light in this world of artificial lights. Thanks to my soulmate I have let the tears fall, I took my time to grieve him, I listened to my soul the time had to be gone through,a journey into my 'self' a time to re arrange discard take on : my old world would not come back but at least I could take my sweet time in this grief and reflection to soothe things out and build up my new world. i was a bit afraid I would end up crazy if I allowed this, don't we ususally go through life just getting things done in a whirlwind??? but I think I made it through better than if I had tried put aside all this. The impact of losing him made me realize that he was what mattered and many previous disappointments could then be shelved for good. A holiday in grief the ultimate luxury/defiance of putting your departed soulmate first, yourself on the same plane and all the rest beneath this. Answering a real need to allow one's self to reflect on the loss of a so very special soul and at the same time a study about your own life, the souls that surround you,their love, their magic... ...stay open to these things, and if you feel that at the same time you need to make a difference into another little soul's journey, well who is better equipped for this than animal lovers such as yourselves, soothing that little being on to a better life and soothing your own soul at the same time, that sounds like a really good idea too. But first and especially, be receptive and gentle to yourself, know that you are your own best caretaker and provide for what your heart and soul will whisper for. Listen to yourself, your heart your soul and your body, and like Gibran said, whatever you do, do it beautifully. Take care, I know how hard it is at this time, Courage and love, Toonie
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Lo-Fi Version | Time is now: 23rd July 2025 - 02:06 AM |