How Do I Stop Crying?, My friend is gone forever Options

[LoveThem]

My beautiful long-haired black cat (my boy) is gone forever. I had to make an instant decision on 9/10 to put him down. The vet said his chest was full of fluid and his gums were blue from very little oxygen. He had struggled to come from the back of our home to the front room to lie down on one side with his mouth open. It was so scary. He got up and moved a couple of feet and did it again. I thought he had died. We rushed him to the vet and he was put on oxygen. The fact he was 16 years old, had lost weight over the past few weeks...well, the vet guessed at a cancer somewhere in his body and what they would have had to do to help him survive maybe 4 weeks, or maybe the next day it would be another emergency to drain his chest. That draining causes a lot of pain. I couldn't let him suffer but I didn't want to let him go either. So the instant decision to put him down. Now I can't stop crying everyday. He was so gentle and sweet. I miss him so. I thought how I had told the vet that purring seemed to choke him up; she said she never heard of that. I said he sits with his tongue hanging out a little. She didn't know what that meant. I saw a picture on the Internet of a cat who was having trouble breathing and his tongue looked just like my boy's. Maybe if the vet understood breathing problems she might have been able to do something before something horrible went wrong all of a sudden and his chest filled with so much fluid, he could not breathe hardly at all. I didn't know when I scooped him up, it would be the last time I would hold him. I've thought about getting a new pet which would be a distraction (I've done that before and it helped) but my husband said it is too soon and he is not ready and we gave away all the cat food and he was upset that if we got another cat or kitten we would have to buy food again. I don't know how to answer that. I have had dogs and cats all my life and believed that when one goes it may be God's way of making a home available for one that needs it. 16 years is the longest I ever had an animal and it was wonderful. I've been to the Emergency Room since and am undergoing GI tests. I think my grief is affecting my digestive system and I don't know how to stop it. This cat was the last to go of 3 kittens originally born in our yard and he was my favorite. Grief is easier to bear when there is at least one other animal at home, at least for me. Thanks for listening. I needed to talk. I would try those Pet Loss Hotlines but they are only at night and I don't want to upset my husband by talking to them when he is here.
I read all everyone's stories and I feel for all of you. We love them so much, that's why there is so much pain. But I wouldn't have not had them to avoid the pain that comes in the future. It is never never easy. I don't know how to bottle my grief.

[LoveThem]

Note to Little Guy:

This is Thanksgiving Week and I see that for the first time in 16 years you won't be here to share the Holidays with us. I had a really bad day today thinking about it.........lots of tears. I miss you so much. I remember anytime I felt down or maybe not felt good, you were always watching me and staying close. Your pictures help me so that I can look into those golden eyes that always watched my every move.

Actually, it started last night when we got home and it was dark in the house because we had planned to be home before dark so didn't leave on any lights. When we did that before I always used to joke that you were waiting for us, paws on your hips, asking where we were and why you were in the dark. Only last night, the house was dark and empty and you were not there anymore. That is so hard to believe. Both of us miss you so much and we talked about you this morning and how your pictures in each room help us. We each talk about what was special about you to each of us and we smile at the memories we share when you make us laugh. I'm so sorry you were trying to hide what must have been some suffering at the end until you couldn't breathe with your chest full of fluid.
We didn't know. Your x-rays 10 days earlier showed a clear chest and apparently not even the vet anticipated what happened. I kept asking what should I look for to be sure you were helped when you needed it and would not suffer if I could help you. The vet just said vomiting..she never said breathing. She didn't even recognize the symptoms when I told her earlier. Can't fix that now. From the past experience with some of my former babies, I believe you can't stop cancer..you can buy time sometime but the end result will not change. Neither does the pain. We'll get through this Holiday..the next will be Christmas without you.
Love and Hugs from both of us. to you..and Keeper and Little Girl.