It's So Hard Options

[j4lorn]

Hi everyone,

I've been reading here for a few days, a million thanks to the man who started this forum/website, and to all of you.

I had an English Setter named Jake that I had to put down last tuesday morning, it's been one week. He was 11 years old, he would have been 12 in November -- but he didn't seem like an old dog at all yet, he was just beginning to show his age with some weakness in his back legs due to arthritis in his spine, they said.

Two weeks ago he suddenly, out of NOWHERE, had a grand mal seizure as we were watching TV at about 7:30 pm. He was on the couch with my hus, then he got off to sit next to me for a pet, then he walked over to the front window to look out. I turned about 15 seconds after he left my side to look at him, see what he was up to, I always did this out of habit. I could not believe my eyes. He was on the floor on his back having a grand mal seizure, his legs were going every which way. It was awful. The whole thing lasted under a minute or 90 seconds at the most, but it seemed like forever. And when he got up, he was of course dazed, and he started wandering around the house, pacing. I got him confined to our bedroom where he slept comfortably all night.

The next morning we took him to our vet who was absolutely ZERO help -- he was more interested in chewing us out for not leaving the dog with him all day long in a cage than interested in helping our dog or guiding us in what to do/expect. I will hate this man until I die. He did not even take our dog's temp.

Read on the net that pacing and confusion is normal after a seizure, long story short both continued and seemed to get worse with moments of lucidity. Finally last Monday evening he looked really weak so we took him to the ER clinic and asked for fluids to be given over night, the doc there wanted to just put him down then but I had to at least give him a chance. The next morning we came back, and he was somewhat stronger but sleepy I think from valium they had given him over night; we were strongly encouraged to put him down then and I finally consented, with many many tears, because I knew he was too damaged from the seizure or whatever caused it to ever recover, he could not walk/pace without falling and he was having trouble eating and drinking. He was aware enough that morning after the IV to be trembling at being at a vets, he always trembled at the vets, and it crushed my heart not to be able to take him home.

So now, I can't stop crying and my husband is dealing with it by trying not to think about it at all. He wants me to stop talking about it or crying. But I can't stop thinking about it all, I miss him so much, and it seemed like his life was cut short so suddenly by who knows what. It was clear he was never going to get his walking/eating/drinking control back ever, the seizure did too much damage. So I had to agree it was time to let him go before it got alot worse. I had to do it for him. I guess.

It's the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I loved him so much.
I am grateful to board for just even exisiting, i feel no one wants to hear it in my 3D life.
but i am shattered inside.

I love my dog so much.

[gingerspal]

Dear j4lorn,

I am so sorry about Jake!! What a tragedy--!! I am betting this is just tearing you up inside--I know it would me! Jake was probably alot like your "kid" (we have alot of people here on this site who are VERY "invested" in their pets!) --I don't care how anyone else judges such a thing, I know that when I lost Ginger (that's him there in my avatar) I felt that is was the most devasting thing that had ever happened to me EVER (and I have had my fair share of "normal" losses during my life). I sense your losing Jake (especially how it happened) also qualifies as your darkest hour. My heart goes out to you!! I wish with all my heart that I could give you a real life hug. {{{{{{{{{{{{j4lorn!!!!}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I too had a "problem" getting over some of the images that were burned into my brain pertaining to Ginger's accident and last days. Watching your animal endure a physical crisis really is unparelleled in the HORRIBLE department--so let's just say that you are more than entitled to have all the feelings that you are currently having. Watching what you watched was a trauma to you, plain and simple. I too had to grapple with a great deal of "uneven-ness" in my household about the grief. This thread is about you and your loss, not me and mine but I can briefly tell you that my significant other ran over my cat in our own driveway and that my significant other never did seem to "care" as much as I did about the accident (or the end result which were huge bills and the worst possible outcome). You can bet this was VERY upsetting to me!!! How could he not feel as bad as I did??? How could he not be excrutiatingly upset???? I cried and cried and got more and more mad at him--!! I think after about two weeks of solid upsetedness (is that a word?) I really lashed out at him and let him have it. I was a powderkeg of feelings and he was like ".....what is done is done" etc. I don't know if the same will be true in your experience but I found out a couple things. Men really do not show emotions as much as we do. Men are definately more "action" oriented (they don't "dwell" like we do) I do understand that my S.O. had to come to grips with the accident pretty quickly otherwise he would have spent a whole bunch of time feeling miserable about something he could not undo. I also know that he would never have "intentionally" hurt Ginger. Since I knew that I had to start forgiving him (which I have done nearly 95%--I still have a qualm or two). I guess I can also accept that I was indeed more attached to Ginger than he was. That is accurate.

We humans are able to choose our attitude about everything. Absolutely everything! Victor Frankl wrote a beautiful book titled Man's Search for Meaning..in it he describes the horrific beatings he endured at the hands of guards in a concentration camp. He realized that "they" could take everything away from him except his ability to choose how he thought about what happened to him! You and I can re-visit the visions of the final TERRIBLE ordeals that our beloved pets went through quite endlessly...or--we can choose to be really really happy that we had these special guys for the time we did. One poster here always advises that when you are crying really hard about your animal that you should shift your thought to something your pet did that always made you laugh..it is guaranteed that you will go from tears to a smile. This exercise isn't meant to be a cover up for your "real" (and current) emotions but it will really teach you about how sadness can be replaced with something better. It is so early for you and it will be awhile before you will think of Jake's happier images---but I have been where you are and I can tell you --it will all get better! Promise!

Don't worry about not being able to talk much with h about this--you have us. we are here. There was a day when I couldn't read something like you wrote..I wouldn't have been able to get through it--(I always avoided anything "sad" about animals) but because I have walked a mile in your shoes, I not only can read and totally empathize with your story, I extend my hand to you in the kinship that we share. I know how you feel--!!

Later, when you feel like it perhaps you will put up a photo of your beautiful Jake and maybe write up a description of some happy times with him. Those types of things will help you to heal--it is a process and you will feel better as you steadily put one foot in front of another day by day.
Jake is very happy right now--playing and cavorting..young and free! You honor his contribution to your life by treating yourself really well over this..do all you can to understand and respect your own feelings.
Thinking of you!
Patti