It's So Hard Options

[j4lorn]

Hi everyone,

I've been reading here for a few days, a million thanks to the man who started this forum/website, and to all of you.

I had an English Setter named Jake that I had to put down last tuesday morning, it's been one week. He was 11 years old, he would have been 12 in November -- but he didn't seem like an old dog at all yet, he was just beginning to show his age with some weakness in his back legs due to arthritis in his spine, they said.

Two weeks ago he suddenly, out of NOWHERE, had a grand mal seizure as we were watching TV at about 7:30 pm. He was on the couch with my hus, then he got off to sit next to me for a pet, then he walked over to the front window to look out. I turned about 15 seconds after he left my side to look at him, see what he was up to, I always did this out of habit. I could not believe my eyes. He was on the floor on his back having a grand mal seizure, his legs were going every which way. It was awful. The whole thing lasted under a minute or 90 seconds at the most, but it seemed like forever. And when he got up, he was of course dazed, and he started wandering around the house, pacing. I got him confined to our bedroom where he slept comfortably all night.

The next morning we took him to our vet who was absolutely ZERO help -- he was more interested in chewing us out for not leaving the dog with him all day long in a cage than interested in helping our dog or guiding us in what to do/expect. I will hate this man until I die. He did not even take our dog's temp.

Read on the net that pacing and confusion is normal after a seizure, long story short both continued and seemed to get worse with moments of lucidity. Finally last Monday evening he looked really weak so we took him to the ER clinic and asked for fluids to be given over night, the doc there wanted to just put him down then but I had to at least give him a chance. The next morning we came back, and he was somewhat stronger but sleepy I think from valium they had given him over night; we were strongly encouraged to put him down then and I finally consented, with many many tears, because I knew he was too damaged from the seizure or whatever caused it to ever recover, he could not walk/pace without falling and he was having trouble eating and drinking. He was aware enough that morning after the IV to be trembling at being at a vets, he always trembled at the vets, and it crushed my heart not to be able to take him home.

So now, I can't stop crying and my husband is dealing with it by trying not to think about it at all. He wants me to stop talking about it or crying. But I can't stop thinking about it all, I miss him so much, and it seemed like his life was cut short so suddenly by who knows what. It was clear he was never going to get his walking/eating/drinking control back ever, the seizure did too much damage. So I had to agree it was time to let him go before it got alot worse. I had to do it for him. I guess.

It's the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I loved him so much.
I am grateful to board for just even exisiting, i feel no one wants to hear it in my 3D life.
but i am shattered inside.

I love my dog so much.

[SJ J & S]

Everyone says it’s the kindest thing to do but no one mentions just how hard it is going to be for you after.

Take one minute at a time and encourage your husband to open up and have a cry too, the worst thing you can do is bottle this up.

In your heart you know you did the right thing at the right time, now your brain is trying to make sense of something it just cannot understand.

Be gentle with yourself if there is one thing we all agree on from our experiences its that we have all tried to torture ourselves and for some reason punish ourselves for not keeping them alive when we all knew at that time that it was all that could be done. Even those whose pets have died naturally have punished themselves for not doing this and not doing that, its all part of the grieving process.

Cry as much and for as long as is needed, the tears will help you to heal and one day you will catch yourself smiling at the memories.

Take Care
Love Sue