My Grief Has Come Full Circle Options

[xrayspex]

It has been near a year since my dear Chase died. I have returned to crying much and in solitude the past couple of days. I do not want my wife to see it. It will upset her. She deals with grief in a different way then I do, she avoids it. I cannot. Grief is something I must embrace if it appears dominant in my life. I appear to have returned to the very beginning of the grief process. I feel like I did almost one year ago. I knelt by Chases grave the other day and the vision of that day began to play in my mind. I could see so clearly pulling her lifeless little body from the cage. I could hear my wife sobbing uncontrollably as she held the flashlight while I buried our baby in the backyard on that cold dark night. This is extremely difficult to write but I must let this out...I am tired of hoping this will go away...that it will pass. I thought this anniversary thing was something that I could escape. Apparently I was wrong. I am starting to wish I had my baby back. I thought I was through that too. God help me.........

[Furkidlets' Mom]

Hi John. I haven't even had time yet to answer back on my own thread about Nissa's anniversary, (and may not even find time yet today....but soon I hope), so came here first, seeing you needed some help with this, too.

Firstly, anniversary reactions (or other special dates reactions) are pretty much universal, whether people recognize them as such or not. Please see this article:
What Is An Anniversary Reaction? There's nothing wrong with you - you're quite normal, as usual. Take special note of the section that speaks of YEARS of this as a normal occurrence, but usually with gradually lessening intensity through those years. If you do better than "years", great, but if not, knowing it's an expected part of the grief experience may help you plan for it ahead of time, or simply deal with and accept it at the time.

I'd also like to quote part of an article I'd posted about ("Pet Loss Myths", by Larry Kaufman), in the Resources forum here:

"Myth: Resolution and closure (a bringing to an end; conclusion) to mourning occurs when you have succeeded in having only pleasant memories of your pet.
Reality: It is rare that anyone ever achieves complete resolution or closure to a profound loss. One is left with psychological scars, if not with incompletely healed wounds. It is unrealistic to expect that you will one day be left with only pleasant memories. Besides, being left with only pleasant memories is one-sided and doesn't present a balanced view of reality - not a goal that would be healthy or valuable to pursue. One cannot fully appreciate pleasant memories unless one has unpleasant memories to contrast them with."

Because I know this is so true, I take exception to that well-meaning but erroneous and even harmful wish from others to think ONLY of the pleasant memories. It's impossible for those who have truly loved, and it only makes people feel guilty or like failures when they inevitably fail at this task in their grief. While there are some who seem to be able to do this with great ease, they are often also the shallower types who don't seem to take anything very seriously, OR, they're often simply 'stuffing' and end up paying for that one way or another down the road......unfortunately usually dragging others with them in their unhealthy ways of dealing with things.

For your wife's ways of dealing with things versus your own - IT'S NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to try and 'save' her from your anniversary reactions, just as you can't 'save' her from her lack of same. I know, in marriage, that we try to ease our partner's burdens, but if that begins to stifle who you really are, it becomes problematic (as with me and mine on many occasions since Nissa's passing!). What IS your responsibility is to express that you need to feel how you're feeling, and if some memorial-type activity is what you're moved to do, then that's what you need to do to help yourself. Better that, than stifling yourself and in the long run making yourself sick, whether emotionally &/or physically (it always ends up as both, given enough time). Perhaps you could just ask her what, indeed, she was thinking as she watched you grieve in your yard. Your perceptions, based on the past, might not be quite as accurate as you think, for all you know. And in any case, it may just open up a discussion that leaves you both feeling more understood and accepted. If not, well, that's another matter, best left to counseling.

It's more than a "simple date" on the calendar. These are memories stored in your very cells, which can't be eradicated despite the pain they may bring. Your reactions to them may shift and soften over time, but it's also unreasonable (and unwise) to expect them to disappear entirely. And just what would you think of yourself if those dates came and went and you never felt one, little THING about them anymore? I highly doubt you'll ever be that un-deep a person, John.

And pretty much the same can be said for the changing seasons, too, at least for a few years' time for many of us. It's another season our babies aren't getting to see (in lousy-weather years, this can actually also be felt as a real blessing! ), another painful reminder of time passing w/o them here with us, as it 'should' be in a kinder plane of existence. You're getting a double-whammy, so it's no small wonder your heart's shattered once again.

If it helps to know, Nissa's One Year was pretty bad for me, and with almost no support, and frankly, it hasn't gotten any better since then. I think I know why, but that doesn't change much. On the upside, at least your wife has always been willing to relive the happier memories with you, which is one important part of support right there.