My Sweet Parker, Missing you Options

[parker]

My baby boy....I know I tell you this every night before I go to bed, but I MISS YOU so much!!! I cry constantly, will it never stop? It has been 3 months and I so hope you are looking down on me thinking I am ridiculous. I still have your bed tucked away in my closet, so I can lay on it and smell you.....I have your fur in my jewelry box and your pictures everywhere. But I just want you. You were not a dog, I know that....you were my family. I just refuse to accept that I will never see you or smell you or touch you again. I am so sorry about your last day, I thought I would be easing your pain, but your passing seemed even harder for you. I hope you forgive me, I have to believe I made the right choice for you. As your best friend, I would have wanted you to do the same for me. But I hate myself when I think, I could still have you here maybe. I know you weren't the same and you were in pain, but selfishly I just want some more time with you....like the rest of my life. I have not let myself think of this until now, but I remember your mouth getting cold as I was laying on it and your eyes wouldn't close, they were cold too....I touched them and kissed them. Your dear sweet paws lost their warmth and life and I just laid and laid and cried for you. I would even give anything for that day back, just to lay on you again. My god, I hope you know I would do anything to have you back here and to take back my decision. Even if it was the "right " thing to do, I don't care, I need you baby boy. I hope you know that "Norman" is not a replacement. He is an aversion, yes I love him, but he is my dog......you were and are my family. I just couldn't stand coming into my house with no sound. Our new baby is about to come into our lives in March and she will never know you, but I promise I will tell her all about her big brother. Her name will be Maili Parker......yes she is taking your name as her middle name. I hope she will have the same great qualities as you and that your spirit is in her somehow. I pray everyday for that. Please come to me in my dreams Parker, just let me know you're okay......please.

Mommy

[parker]

My Parky Boy,
My sadness is so heavy lately. I feel like I am back to those first few months without you. I need you here so badly. You truly are my one and only and I just want to feel your kisses and smell your teddy bear fur. I turn 35 this tomorrow and it will be almost 2 years without you in my life. Honestly, 2 of the worst years I have ever had.......everything has gone wrong since you left.......everything except the birth of our Maili Parker......she brought a much needed light. I feel like I can't seem to get a strong grasp of my direction or feelings anymore. Part of me wonders if I am being punished for making "the decision" that I thought was so right for you. If I could just look into your eyes again and feel that unconditional acceptance you gave, I know it would make it all better. I have this relentless need to adopt another dog, almost like it will mend something in me. We still have Norman and Roxy and love them both dearly......but for some reason I keep needing to be needed.....even though I have too much going on as it is. I miss you my foofi bear.......please visit me in my dreams and please swim, eat, run, play ball and love your life in heaven. It is what you deserve........I will continue to pray that I will meet you in heaven one day. Until then, I love you like no other......

Kisses,
Mommy