Thank You All... Options

[andrea_m]

Thank you all so much for your support and kind words of encouragement. It's wonderful to hear from people who understand, and it's very helpful. I've done a little better today. I spent a lot of the day rearranging the living room. I slept through the night without awakening several times, but my baby awoke shortly before 6 to be fed, and I just dread to see that hour approach. It was shortly after 6 a.m. when Friday passed away, and I see the sky out the window and think how that's what it was like on that day - still not quite daylight, and she never got to see the light of day again, and the birds are just starting to wake up - and I feel so badly. I feel a knot in my stomach as that hour approaches. Nighttime is hard as well. It will be a week ago tomorrow that I spent my last day with her - the week has gone so fast. If I had only known it was her last day with me - I would've spent more time with her and given her more attention. I wondered today if it was the bath I gave her a week before with flea shampoo because it says on the bottle to "consult a vet before using on aged, debilitated, etc. cats." You are all right about the guilt... Certainly if we knew, we would do things differently. But I know how it hurts when people tell you, "Well, there's nothing you can do now..." because you think of all the things you could've done if you had only known - so that's definitely no comfort. My husband has told me that, and I can always counter him. I think what bothers me the most is that I can't make sense out of it. I don't know what happened. I don't know WHY she died. If I only knew why. What was wrong?? A friend of my mom's says it sounds as if she was having seizures. WHY was she having seizures?? Was it simply old age and her body gave out? Congestive heart failure? Kidney or hyperthyroid? I feel badly that I had none of this checked. For the longest time I wanted her to get a thorough check-up to be checked for the common age-related diseases, but I never did. I've noticed that it's hard to leave home because I feel I'm leaving her behind, but then when I'm returning home, I don't want to because I'm surrounded by things that remind me of her. Gosh, I can remember last Sunday so well, and how I'd love to be able to relive it again and hold her on my lap outside on the back step like I did.

Nanci - you're in my thoughts and prayers as you experience your first weekend without Arnold. I'm sure it will be very hard for you.

Denise - thank you for the incredible support and hugs.

Kathy - you said it sounds as if she had a very natural death. I've never seen an animal die before. Is it common for an animal to seem to be grasping for breath? It scared me so much - it was like she couldn't breathe - or was being strangled. I feel badly that I panicked and ran off to get my husband. I wasn't there for her last moment - what could she have been thinking when I left her?? I pray she knows that I loved her and didn't mean to leave her like that when she needed me most. I could tell she was scared, and I wasn't there. You sound like me - when Friday died I cried all day and sat outside on the step most of the time. The next day I left the TV on the Discovery channel with all the cooking and home improvement shows - things I never watch, but for some reason they seemed more comforting than the usual things I have on. Sometimes the TV is good when you're alone just to hear the voices. I've not really done much since - I just kind of shut down when things like this happen, although this is the first death of anything close to me I've experienced.

Patti - I'm so sorry about what happened to your Ginger!! Yes, that would indeed make one feel terribly guilty. What a nightmarish week that must've been for you. What you said is so true and made me cry. I do hope she knew I loved her. I did the best I could, but I wish I had done more. I suppose we all do. The page from that book is so true. We never know what Providence has planned for us. I know with Friday's death, things weren't the way I thought they'd be at all. I wanted her to have a quieter death, where I could hold her or stroke her to ease her, and she'd go quietly. Instead, it seems more chaotic, with her stumbling her way to the kitchen chair at the end and falling off it so hard. That hurt me so badly. And I was standing over her panicking then ran off. I don't feel I was much comfort to her at all. It just haunts me that it wasn't peaceful, the way I wanted it to be for her.

Ruth - thank you for your comforting words. They're all very true. I read your posts last night, and my heart goes out to you, too.

Marcia - thank you for your kind words as well. I'm sorry about Hannah and now can say I know how you feel. It's hard coming home without your beloved pet to greet you. Friday almost always came to the door whenever I returned home from somewhere, and it's certainly one of the precious things I miss about her.