Mr. Spike Options

[Oakshil]

Hi to everyone. I hurt and feel great pain. The pain I can tell many here feel. Wednesday a grey/balck stripe cat by the name Spike died, the cat that I took in 5 years ago. A cat who was very social by nature. A cat that came out from under the bed in his new home, when he came home with me for the first time, in only a matter of four hours and he purred. We bonded hard and fast.

Guilt. Remorse. Pain. Lonliness. Stupid. These things I feel because where I live a flea problem developed but, I never knew how fast a flea problem can go from bad to much worse. I feel responsible for his death because, he seemed just fine and within a matter of days, something went wrong with Spike. According to the hospital report, he became enemic. It also stated that his body seemed to be regenerating the red cells to catch up with the white cells and he was ready to come home. On the way there, one cell phone call changed everything. Mr. Spike went into cardiac arrest. This hospital was trying so hard to get him back and before that, to make him better. I got there and nothing was getting better. So, it kills me everytime of thinking it the last moment together, I told them to let him go. I'd rather not risk a return to life with brain-damage. I would want someone to do the same for me.

I read about fleas and that they can cause enemia, this also confirmed by the hospital. They also said he may have had cancer. Those at the hospital said it isn't my fault but, I feel so much that it is. That I should have forsaw something not good. I don't see how fleas can cause cardiac arrest and I don't think the hosptial staff even implied they were that cause in particular but, I still feel like this whole thing is my fault. Life is important and I feel like I killed him as a result of all these things.

It hurts so so much. And if it is my fault unlike what others believe, how do I cope with that. He may be gone but, I have not let go. I don't even know when letting go will happen. Even though they said he was stable and ready to come home, I feel like the worst caretaker in the world because I feel I should have had the forsight to see this coming and I hate myself for not fixing this.

Sleeping is hard. It isn't that I don't sleep it is that I just don't know when I feel ready to sleep.

He lived for five years and I feel alot more was deserved and that I should have been able to provide a longer life for him and I didn't.

Enough about my pain though. About who Spike was. A loving, friendly to people feline. Greeted me at the door almost every time I returned from going out. Licked me to show effection without being instigated to do so. He'd follow me into the bathroom when I would bathe in the tub and patiently wait. When real young he would even watch me shave me. Sometimes he'd pop his head over the edge of the tub, and if my hand was within range, he'd start drying it with his tongue. Silly, maybe strange but, how nice it was to be cared about. What an honor it is to have had such a small creature look out for me in his own little way, and here I sit feeling I did not all I could to care for him and if I could have, I should have. He was always a healthy cat, no colds or anything. My want is to not be at any fault. What the reality of it is, I don'tk know or don't won't see it.

What a horrible person I must be. I feel like I've gotten what I deserve. Even if I don't, it is my feelings saying I do. And I can't say it enough, it hurts so so much.

Thank you.
Thank you for everyone giving their time to read this.

[5catsmom]

Oakshil,
I understand and empathize with your guilt, it's completely normal and it's part of this grief roller-coaster which you're going on now, but we are here for you cause we've all been on it at least once and for some of us multiple times. The pain is always so much worse than you ever expect and you think for awhile that there's just no way you can live the rest of your life without the little beloved soul who was so close to your heart. I've had times where the grief was so great, there were just no words, just a deep agony, and no cure, I could only give in to it. And that would be months later, when I'd congratulated myself on "getting through it."

I don't know much about the flea/anemia issue. I do know that if fleas are present on an animal for a long time, anemia can set in, or on a small animal for a short time, it can be fatal more quickly. It may be that there was a genetic issue with Spike's immune system or his blood, or there may have been a preexisting condition which you didn't know about. Fleas are nasty little things and they do reproduce rapidly if you don't jump on top of the problem the second you know they're present. Don't feel stupid - a few years ago I ignored 2 on one of my cats and ended up with a 3-month long infestation, and that was after I started with the flea control products. I still jump at every little speck I see on my white bedspread. But it's also been my experience that animals I take in, which I don't know the background of, have a higher mortality rate, even if they've had good vet care with me and stayed indoors. My Magic, who was the catalyst for my joining this group of wonderful souls, was a neighborhood stray, had the finest vet care, food, everything, yet died quite unexpectedly at about 5 years of age, and I'll never know why. You just don't know the background, and when that's the case, it may well have been some sort of immune response or cancer type thing - there's so much we don't know about human diseases, let alone cat diseases. I do know that Spike's passing is not, repeat not, a reflection of your care of him. It sounds like your actions were completely appropriate, and whatever happened afterward took even the hospital staff by surprise.

Someone else said something like this on the board somewhere and I'm not sure who it was, but it made a great impact on me and I hope I do her/him no disservice if I misquote, because I don't mean to - Spike would have lived regardless if you had taken the time and trouble to take him in to love and live with, but he wouldn't have had the quality of life and love that he did have, thanks to you. You made the difference in his life, you gave him the love he needed, and regardless of how long or short his life was, that's the important thing.

I'm so very sorry for your loss of Mr. Spike. He sounds like a very unique and funny cat, with a wonderful personality, and you two got on very well. It's natural to blame yourself for his passing, but I don't believe you're to blame and if he were here, I think he loves you enough that he wouldn't want that either. I'm a firm believer (although I know not all folks are) that we eventually reunite with our beloved furry ones. Whether you accept that or not, what you've described is a cat owner who loves a cat dearly, in life and in death. Not a horrible person at all. You're one of the ones who saved a cat - there's no blame in there. You did your best, there's no reason for guilt over how Spike left.

Please come back and let us know how you're doing. This will be a long journey for you, but we're always here. Take care - Barb