Mr. Spike Options

[Oakshil]

Hi to everyone. I hurt and feel great pain. The pain I can tell many here feel. Wednesday a grey/balck stripe cat by the name Spike died, the cat that I took in 5 years ago. A cat who was very social by nature. A cat that came out from under the bed in his new home, when he came home with me for the first time, in only a matter of four hours and he purred. We bonded hard and fast.

Guilt. Remorse. Pain. Lonliness. Stupid. These things I feel because where I live a flea problem developed but, I never knew how fast a flea problem can go from bad to much worse. I feel responsible for his death because, he seemed just fine and within a matter of days, something went wrong with Spike. According to the hospital report, he became enemic. It also stated that his body seemed to be regenerating the red cells to catch up with the white cells and he was ready to come home. On the way there, one cell phone call changed everything. Mr. Spike went into cardiac arrest. This hospital was trying so hard to get him back and before that, to make him better. I got there and nothing was getting better. So, it kills me everytime of thinking it the last moment together, I told them to let him go. I'd rather not risk a return to life with brain-damage. I would want someone to do the same for me.

I read about fleas and that they can cause enemia, this also confirmed by the hospital. They also said he may have had cancer. Those at the hospital said it isn't my fault but, I feel so much that it is. That I should have forsaw something not good. I don't see how fleas can cause cardiac arrest and I don't think the hosptial staff even implied they were that cause in particular but, I still feel like this whole thing is my fault. Life is important and I feel like I killed him as a result of all these things.

It hurts so so much. And if it is my fault unlike what others believe, how do I cope with that. He may be gone but, I have not let go. I don't even know when letting go will happen. Even though they said he was stable and ready to come home, I feel like the worst caretaker in the world because I feel I should have had the forsight to see this coming and I hate myself for not fixing this.

Sleeping is hard. It isn't that I don't sleep it is that I just don't know when I feel ready to sleep.

He lived for five years and I feel alot more was deserved and that I should have been able to provide a longer life for him and I didn't.

Enough about my pain though. About who Spike was. A loving, friendly to people feline. Greeted me at the door almost every time I returned from going out. Licked me to show effection without being instigated to do so. He'd follow me into the bathroom when I would bathe in the tub and patiently wait. When real young he would even watch me shave me. Sometimes he'd pop his head over the edge of the tub, and if my hand was within range, he'd start drying it with his tongue. Silly, maybe strange but, how nice it was to be cared about. What an honor it is to have had such a small creature look out for me in his own little way, and here I sit feeling I did not all I could to care for him and if I could have, I should have. He was always a healthy cat, no colds or anything. My want is to not be at any fault. What the reality of it is, I don'tk know or don't won't see it.

What a horrible person I must be. I feel like I've gotten what I deserve. Even if I don't, it is my feelings saying I do. And I can't say it enough, it hurts so so much.

Thank you.
Thank you for everyone giving their time to read this.

[toonie]

Oakshil I am very sorry for your loss, you are in for a rough ride but we are all here with you, this site is a harbour for us who have lost our beloved pets. We all go through guilt, like it's been said before here, hindsight is 20/20...We have loved as well as we could. If this wasn't good enough at times, then we will have learned and our knowledge will make us better for the future. But even without the guilt, there is this great pain which has to be assimilated, however long it will take. While we do this, this site is a great place to come to. You shouldn't feel guiltly. You were good to Spike, the hospital knows you were. You did what you could with what you knew. You have enough with the pain of losing your beloved Spike, don't let guilt attack you too.
The pain of losing them is very hard, take care.