Seeking Solace Options

[andrea_m]

Hello - I'm new here and so glad I found this site. I suppose I'm just looking for some shoulders to cry on. My beloved cat Friday died Monday morning, completely unexpected, and the pain I've felt since has at times been unbearable. I got up at 4 a.m. to feed my 3 month old. On my way to the kitchen in the dark, I saw a shadow laying on the rug. I turned on a light and saw that it was her laying there. I gave the baby to my husband who had gotten out of bed to go to the bathroom and saw that her paw was limp and she was making an occasional grunting noise. I thought she had maybe hurt her paw and was in pain, so I picked her up and carried her to her basket in the living room. I stayed up with her - my husband fed the baby and they went back to bed. After awhile, she seemed restless, so I sat down with her beside her basket. I live in a small rural area and there are no emergency clinics closer than an hour 15 mins. away, so I kept reassuring her that as soon as the vet opened, we would be there. I tried to comfort her but to no avail. She began meowing and became more restless, then she got up and started behind the TV. I motioned for her to return to the basket, and she did for a second but then started on her way back to the kitchen. She was panting and her pupils were very dilated, so I knew something was going terribly wrong. She hobbled because of her paw, and then she stumbled and her tail began to poof out. I slowly followed behind her. She was going to one of the kitchen chairs, where she had been sleeping her last 3 or 4 days. She tried to hop up on the chair but fell very hard on her side and lay there with her mouth wide open, panting, struggling for breath. I wanted to remain calm - I knew this would be best, but instead I panicked and ran to get my husband. By the time we got back to her, we saw her take her last breath and settle. I've been so upset since. I keep seeing this over and over in my head. She seemed just fine the day before except for some rapid weight loss that I was thinking about taking her to the vet for soon. She was almost 15, and I had been suspecting she had congestive heart failure (she had had a heart murmur for years), but I didn't know for sure. 2 months ago she was having some panting/heavy breathing spells that I took her to the vet for. He said he had been seeing this a lot lately and it was allergies. I gave her the medicine for it for awhile, and I didn't see her have anymore spells, so I assumed he was right. Now I feel that perhaps I was right, and I feel guilty that I didn't INSIST that her heart be checked. There's medicine for this - she might have had another year or 2 if only I had done more. Or maybe she sensed my worry and it upset her and overworked her heart. I don't know. I have no one to talk to about it. My mom and husband both think I should be over it, but how can I be?? She was my constant companion for nearly 15 years. She's all I've known since I graduated from high school. She was always there, and now she's not. I miss so much about her, and there are traces of her yet in the house - hairs, broken-off claws, paw prints on the furniture... How am I supposed to clean when this is all I have left of her physically?? I want to keep everything. I can see her grave under our dogwood tree out nearly every window of the rooms at the back of our house. How do you get through the pain?? The emptiness?? I have 3 other cats, but I don't have the bond with them that I had with her. We had 13 years alone together before the others came around. One is only a month old, and he reminds me so much of her when she was little, and is also black as she was, so sometimes out of the corner of my eye I catch myself thinking it's her. I've been having a hard time eating or sleeping - when I try to sleep, I think and remember. I dread trying to get through each day now. She was my precious baby.

[gingerspal]

Hi Andrea,
I am so sorry that you had to come to this place!
On the other hand, I am happy you found us--because we know how you are feeling right now, most assuredly.

The whole time I was reading your story my heart was breaking because I was thinking of my elderly little ol kitty (and I really don't know how old he is, but I know he is up there in years) --I was imagining going through what you went through and it must have been so painful for you!!

My younger kitty (in my avatar) is the reason I am here . In one terrible split second (also burned into my memory) my significant other hit Ginger in our own driveway with our own truck. Ginger ran off but we found him and we took him right away to an emergency vet. He lived after surgery for a week in the emergency vet facility and then he died. I was on a roller coaster for an entire week because each day that went by I would think he was going to live, and then think he's going to die ...back and forth back and forth...and the people here were with me every step of the way. You could not find a more caring bunch of people anywhere. I bet you can imagine how guilty I felt--we ran over our own cat in our own driveway! Because of the time I have spent here writing and reading and thinking and sharing I was able to get through one the the worst things that has ever happened in my entire life.

I have learned alot over the last couple of months. First and foremost I have learned that there is NO cir%%stance where you would lose Friday when you would have been satisfied. NONE. If you had to make the decision to have him euthanized (as many people have had to do) you would have been crushed! If he had gone in the middle of the night and you hadn't been there, you would have been crushed! if you had lost him a year earlier or a year later, you would have been crushed! If you get what I am saying---no matter how Friday died you would have still gone through this deep sadness. AND you would have felt guilty no matter how the end came also! The reason for that is that you were Friday's constant "caregiver" and you provided (and controlled) everything for him. It is logical that you would even want to "control" how and when he died --except none of us are capable of that. It is illogical, of course, but because of all the years of dutifully taking care of Friday you wanted to even make his passing controllable.

I do take some comfort in thinking that I did the best I could and with time you will see that you did too. Your Friday knows that you loved him --you who did so much for him! He is at the rainbow bridge now with all our pets. He is young and playful and perfect and waiting for the day when he will be reunited with you. You are among friends here. You don't have to pretend to be "over it" here. None of us are "over it" --all we really do is accept it in increments. You were a wonderful mommy to your Friday. I can tell you love him with all your heart. He loves you back. He is no longer physically here, but he still loves you. Nothing can change that.
thinking of you {{{{{{{{{{Andrea!!}}}}}}}}}}!
Patti
P.S. It is so normal to want to keep fur and such..we all do that..! I kept my Ginger's blanket. It is on a shelf near where he slept. I have a small book that is open to this page.