Seeking Solace Options

[andrea_m]

Hello - I'm new here and so glad I found this site. I suppose I'm just looking for some shoulders to cry on. My beloved cat Friday died Monday morning, completely unexpected, and the pain I've felt since has at times been unbearable. I got up at 4 a.m. to feed my 3 month old. On my way to the kitchen in the dark, I saw a shadow laying on the rug. I turned on a light and saw that it was her laying there. I gave the baby to my husband who had gotten out of bed to go to the bathroom and saw that her paw was limp and she was making an occasional grunting noise. I thought she had maybe hurt her paw and was in pain, so I picked her up and carried her to her basket in the living room. I stayed up with her - my husband fed the baby and they went back to bed. After awhile, she seemed restless, so I sat down with her beside her basket. I live in a small rural area and there are no emergency clinics closer than an hour 15 mins. away, so I kept reassuring her that as soon as the vet opened, we would be there. I tried to comfort her but to no avail. She began meowing and became more restless, then she got up and started behind the TV. I motioned for her to return to the basket, and she did for a second but then started on her way back to the kitchen. She was panting and her pupils were very dilated, so I knew something was going terribly wrong. She hobbled because of her paw, and then she stumbled and her tail began to poof out. I slowly followed behind her. She was going to one of the kitchen chairs, where she had been sleeping her last 3 or 4 days. She tried to hop up on the chair but fell very hard on her side and lay there with her mouth wide open, panting, struggling for breath. I wanted to remain calm - I knew this would be best, but instead I panicked and ran to get my husband. By the time we got back to her, we saw her take her last breath and settle. I've been so upset since. I keep seeing this over and over in my head. She seemed just fine the day before except for some rapid weight loss that I was thinking about taking her to the vet for soon. She was almost 15, and I had been suspecting she had congestive heart failure (she had had a heart murmur for years), but I didn't know for sure. 2 months ago she was having some panting/heavy breathing spells that I took her to the vet for. He said he had been seeing this a lot lately and it was allergies. I gave her the medicine for it for awhile, and I didn't see her have anymore spells, so I assumed he was right. Now I feel that perhaps I was right, and I feel guilty that I didn't INSIST that her heart be checked. There's medicine for this - she might have had another year or 2 if only I had done more. Or maybe she sensed my worry and it upset her and overworked her heart. I don't know. I have no one to talk to about it. My mom and husband both think I should be over it, but how can I be?? She was my constant companion for nearly 15 years. She's all I've known since I graduated from high school. She was always there, and now she's not. I miss so much about her, and there are traces of her yet in the house - hairs, broken-off claws, paw prints on the furniture... How am I supposed to clean when this is all I have left of her physically?? I want to keep everything. I can see her grave under our dogwood tree out nearly every window of the rooms at the back of our house. How do you get through the pain?? The emptiness?? I have 3 other cats, but I don't have the bond with them that I had with her. We had 13 years alone together before the others came around. One is only a month old, and he reminds me so much of her when she was little, and is also black as she was, so sometimes out of the corner of my eye I catch myself thinking it's her. I've been having a hard time eating or sleeping - when I try to sleep, I think and remember. I dread trying to get through each day now. She was my precious baby.

[LittleGirl's...]

Andrea, I'm so sorry about the loss of your sweet Friday!! I know you are SO heart-broken right now that it must be impossible to imagine feeling happy again. ...You will, but it takes time and lots of support.

Friday was very lucky to have lived her earthly life with such a special Mom. And when it was her time for her body to pass on, she was even lucky enough to have you there with her. It sounds as though she had a very natural death, with very little suffering (and no traumatic trips to the vet/IV's/long stays at the vet/etc., as is common especially in older pets toward the end of their lives).

When you attempted to comfort Friday early that morning, you did.[I] She knew you were there and she felt your love.

In the realm she's in now, she's in pure bliss and she's still with you (just not physically); there are no time or space boundaries, as we are confined by.

Guilt seems to go along with grief, regardless of the cir%%stances. On this site there's an excellent article on dealing with the guilt we feel (things we [I]should have done or said, things we shouldn't have done or said, etc. You are human, and it would have been impossible for you to have thought of the medicines she might have taken to potentially prolong her life. You are not a vet; your intentions were perfect.

I'm glad you found this site. You are going through a major grief---one of the worst types of grief (I've heard that pet-loss grief is particularly traumatic because society as a rule doesn't recognize it as deserving of the long-term support that other bereavement receives, so we are often considered "weak" or just "weird". Also, our pets are our kids; they are the center of our daily lives and now there is such a huge huge void).

Everyone's grief process is unique, but it definitely takes time. Try and be gentle with yourself and do what [/I]you need to do to get through this. When I lost my sweet Little Girl on March 24, all I could do was stay in bed on my computer (I stayed on this site and another grief-support site), watch Lifetime movies, and sleep. I avoided talking with anyone who wouldn't totally understand.... I've heard other people on this site say that the best thing for them was to work a lot. That wouldn't have worked for me, but we're all so different.... But, we're all similar in the sense that we're going through an excruciatingly painful heartache. Whatever helps you through your[I] process of healing, just try to stay in tune with this process and not feel pressured by others to "get over" this loss.

When it's your time, you and your Friday will be fully reunited. In the meantime, she's fine.

Sending prayers and support,

Kathy

p.s. Keep in touch!

...I just read what Denise (Muffins) and Arnold's Mom wrote, and it warmed my heart. There's a lot of love coming your way!!