My Dog Was Put Down Because Of Dcm Options

[dobielover]

[COLOR=blue]
Hi there.
My name is Jamie and i was a owner of a beautiful 4 yr. old doberman named A.J.
I just had to put him down on Friday, July 30th due to an illness called DCM.
I cant stand this guilt and hurt and numbness all over me. I keep feeling like i made the wrong choice, that i should of waited a couple more days. Im so sick to my stomach that i vomited when i got home. I need to stop this torchure that im doing to myself. I just feel like i disappointed him by killing him. I know i didnt kill him, but i brought him to the vet and signed for him to be put down. I just wish i could convince myself i did the right thing. Everyone says i did the best for him. I still dont think so. I CANT STAND IT!!! I miss him SO much! I cant breath at times cause i get so upset about him. I just want him home again.
I feel so guilty,sick,upset,misserable,regret........i just want him back!

[BabyHannahsMom]

Jamie,

He's beautiful . . .

I went and talked to all of the last three of Hannah's vets, including the one who put her to sleep. It helped some -- I would do it again, go talk to them that is. I actually may because I still don't understand why none of them recommended any kind of treatment for her. It still upsets me so very much that they didn't, and that I didn't ask if there was something we could do about her heart murmur.

Also, even though it's almost four months' since, I can still suddenly think of something that I did or didn't do during her entire 16 years that I just start obsessing about. I am still having pretty major problems too. Once I get going, I can't seem to stop myself.

I have talked to two counselors -- neither helped very much really, although I'm sure there some that can be very helpful. I have read several books and articles that helped some too.

For you, it's still so fresh. It was either a week or maybe two before I had my first major guilt episode and I went running to the vets' offices. I actually called all of her vets today and requested her records. I will pour over them, I know, to see what I did and did not do, etc. I seem to be unable to stop myself from this self-defeating behavior.

I was awake most of last night thinking about how Hannah had that bad arthritis. She always slept with me, so I never got her her own bed. When I left for work or anything in the winter, I left our down comforter on the floor with a pillow and one of my shirts and the heaters on and everything. But to save my life, I can't remember what I did before that . . . I'm sure I left a shirt or something down for her, but I should have gotten her a bed, a special bed, but I didn't. I could have made that easier on her. I don't think I left a pillow for her, so it would have just been the carpet and maybe sometimes a rug. That is just killing my soul. I know it had been more than a year since she was able to jump up on the bed. I can't understand how or why I let this be the case. So, I have been really upset since late yesterday afternoon about this, and was hardly able to sleep last night.

One thing I think is that somehow those of us feeling this way can get all the wonderful support, understanding, compassion and reassurance in the whole world, and although it helps, ultimately we are going to have to find a way to come to terms with it all in our own minds. It's just like if you don't feel pretty or thin or smart or self-worth, etc., no one can convince you otherwise. Same thing, I think.

I'm trying to figure out a way that we can help ourselves work through this. Some of the books I've read have suggestions. One thing that occurred to me today when I again wondered why I didn't ask if there was something that could be done to treat the heart murmur (except, of course, I assumed if there had been something, the 3 vets would have told me my options!) -- both my parents died in intensive care after surgery, several of my relatives and people I know have died, and it seems to me that there was really no help for them, so maybe I just ASSUMED that with Hannah because that's pretty much the way it was with everyone else, since my mom died when I was 23,and it seems to have been that way ever since. I don't know . . .

And as far as hearing that from your son, it's amazing, isn't it, that children can see what we can't? Also, you know when you're with someone every day, you just don't see. That's natural. I am sorry that I don't have much advice -- all I can really do is try to share your anguish because I feel it too. I know that sickness in the pit of your stomach, the ache in your heart, the "I just want my baby back . . ." We all understand so well.

I have to go again. I am going to meet with a group that helps homeless animals here to see what I can do to help. I cannot help little Hannah now. Oh how I wish I could. I'll never be able to "make anything up to her," and that thought keeps wanting to hold me back and just suffer and suffer over it. I know somehow I have to keep on going and help other animals because I was so very blessed, as someone here recently said, to have had her at all. She was the most precious gift I ever had in my life.


I'll write again soon.
Marcia
Baby Hannah's Mom and Babe's Mom