My Baby, Mourning Options

[KaseysMom]

I just have to say what happened ,I have a few friends and more family,and but for my husband none of them understand nor do they seem to care. I have had one out of all say I am sorry to hear....I just need to tell it to someone who understands so here goes.
Kasey was only 9mo.s old She wa a supprise for my Husband (he'd never had a kitten) when I went to pick her up she was so tiny and to young to leave mom but she was in a bad situation and I just could not leave her! So home she came and she just lit up the house! We had Sydney (4) our other cat and Shorty (3) Our parakeet that we got for Sydney.But Kasey Just seemed to be the completion of our little family! Anyway life wa just one big love fest in our house. My husband and I had had 7 really hard years trying to be together I had gotten Sydney while he was forced to be in Austrlia for 6 long mo.s (imagrations woes for 7 years)any way,everything was comming together. 3 weeks ago out of the blue Shorty passed we were crushed we love that little bird.We had a little service for him. and planted a rose.And I held on to Kasey alot I have been unable to work for 7 mo.s so she was my constant companion.She had and extra digit so I taught her to shake,she fetched just like a dog, and we went for walks she took to a leash right away.On moday a week after Shorty had passed we took both girls in to be spayed I remmeber we both were so nervous about leaving them but they came out fine and Sydey was even better all of the sudden she love her little sister and Kasey had always loved her in 2 days they were all better.On sat. we were talking about how lucky we were! on sunday I gave the girls there snack at 9:00 at 9:45 I said to hubby as he was leaving Kasey looks like shes having trouble breathing @ 12 I was on the phone telling him to come give me the car to take her to the er. We had talked about it we figured I was just being a nervous because of Shorty So even though I was upset I kept thinking that I was just being hysterical that she had a hairball or at worst an infection from the surgery.It turned out to be one of the longest nights of my life.She went from crying for her snack to 3 hours later having no hope.With-in an hour I was getting Kaseys daddy from work so he could hear and then we left for them to do more test! It was wosre then they thought its was feline lukemia and no hope only torture for her if we tried to save her which we did fight over abit I just could not let my baby suffer hubby wanted to take her home just one more night with her, when they brought her in she was having such trouble breathing (and we had had them Tap her lungs just an hour before) it was awful. We had a few minutes with her I let her have all the Baby beef (favorite snack) she could eat which was not alot then we held her while they gave her the shot.I dont remmemeber ever feeling pain like that! Being responsable for that tiny life slipping away,and I have never seen pain like that in Ty's eyes(hubby)I have lost precious pets before a few were very tragic and trumatic but I am not copeing with this at all By the time I found this place its been 4 days and I just am not healing. Did not help when the er called yesterday and threatend not to do as we wished with her if we did not pay the bill immediatly. they called her it and well what a mess..anyway if you made it all the way thru this I thank you so much so listening I came home from the hospital and wrote a poem for her but this is so long I may post it later. thanks
KaseysMom

[toonie]

No matter what, guilt hovers over our decisions. You did the right thing, hard as it was, hard as it is for you right now. I have had a lot of guilt for putting my cat to sleep, I kept a file where I would re read things to help me live with that. In case it helps you or anyone else reading this post, here is something that I cut and pasted some time ago, I don't know who wrote it - if someone knows perhaps they can credit the author, thanks for this in advance. Here is the text:


"There is simply no way that you can be responsible for any misfortunate events that happen to your pet that are beyond your control. But when you feel responsible, you feel guilty.

As with anger, guilt can be a distraction from the recovery process when you focus on it for too long. You will tend to internalise with guilt and dwell on what you feel are your own inadequacies and failings, rather than accepting the reality of your pet's death. Guilt has one over anger in that it wags its finger at you and demands you suffer for it, in turn destroying your self confidence. Guilt highlights the real or imagined negative side of your relationship with your pet, when instead you need to focus on the positive aspects, the happy times you shared together, the daily kindnesses you showed to your pet.

Again I emphasise, you should never feel guilty. Let's just suppose for the sake of argument that you did make some terrible mistake or decision which caused the death of your pet. Embracing your guilt only prevents you from moving on, to forming new loving relationships with future pets. It also impedes the recovery process. You were not evil for making that decision, committing that action. You loved your pet, and if you did so happen to make a bad decision it would have been only through ignorance.You cannot be blamed by anyone for that. Feeling guilty will help neither you, your departed pet, any future or existing pets you may own, or your close friends and family.

We're all human. To err is to be human. We all make mistakes, it's the most natural thing in the world to us imperfect humans. We can't know everything. But we can also learn from those mistakes, grow from the experience. That is all part of our progression through life. Rather than let guilt drag you down into a morass of pain and despair, acknowledge any mistakes you made were made simply through ignorance or accident, and move on. Bookmark the mistake, learn from it, don't repeat it, but move on, for the sake of your recovery from the grieving process and for the sake of your other pets and loved ones around you. You loved and cared for a pet throughout its life to the best of your abilities and knowledge - that makes you a very special and worthwhile person. Don't denigrate yourself, you don't deserve that.

Everything you ever did for your pet at that time was what you believed to be the right thing to do, the best thing, because you did it out of love. Don't do disservice to that love by blaming yourself and plunging yourself further into pain and despair when you don't deserve it.

You are not alone in these feelings of guilt. Many millions of other good pet lovers such as yourself have endured these feelings. But you should not torture yourself with guilt and doubt. Your pet is no longer in pain. He or she is at peace, and is all the better for having been loved by you throughout their life. It is certainly not your fault either that pets live shorter lives than humans. Instead of punishing yourself, acknowledge the fact that to have loved a pet, to have bonded with it so closely, reflects so well upon you as a worthwhile person. There are countless others who do not care for pets in this way.

You need to forgive yourself, to externalise these emotions, and so regain that road to recovery. You deserve that, believe me. By externalising your pain, you gain a power which can be wielded for the good of other pets and other pet lovers. But you must learn to stop hating yourself, and accept that you are indeed a good person.

Again, to reaffirm, you should never feel guilty about anything. Few people are evil - if evil truly does exist - most tragedies occur through accidents beyond one's control or simple ignorance. Either way you are not to blame.

Any close friend or family member worth their salt will confirm what I have said, and at this stage you should seek such a person out and confide in them, as this invariably aids you on the road to recovery and keeps you removed from that helpless feeling of emptiness that may remain."