I Want To Hug Him Again Options

[Arnold]

I'm not sure I'm doing this right - I've never posted on a board or been involved in a chatroom or anything online. I'm just hurting so much I've spent the last day and a half looking for something to help me. I think this is it. My baby Arnold - 11 yrs old, off-white Shiitzu - passed away on Sunday. It was so fast. We came home from work on Wednesday and he was listless, had wet the sofa (which he would never ordinarily do) and had a fever. We thought it was something bacterial and made an appointment with the vet the next day - late in the day of course because we both work. The vet gave him a shot and sent him home. Next day we couldn't get the antibiotic pills down him and he wouldn't eat or drink. Another vet visit late in the day. This time I learn my baby is very very sick and should stay the night for blood work. I'm still angry that the vet didn't call that night or early the next day to tell me how seriously ill my Arnold was. He had autoimmune hemolytic anemia and was spiraling fast - he needed a blood transfusion. My significant other was helping his daughter move so we wasted another hour by phone trying to find out just what the problem was, what the cost was, wondering how we could afford it, etc. And when we decided we had to give our punkin a chance no matter the cost, we picked him up at the vet (already having difficulty breathing) and rushed him to the animal hospital.

When we could visit him later he could hear us and see us but was too weak even to wag his tail. We debated whether we should spend the night but he seemed stable. We called before going to bed that night - same thing. We left at 6:30 Sunday a.m. to visit him - confident that he was still hanging in there since we had received no phone calls. Sadly, that call came while we were enroute. So our anticipation at seeing our baby was quickly replaced with the news of his passing.

I'm beating myself up right now that we waited too long, trusted the local vet too much, should have insisted on bloodwork right away, etc., etc. The flip side of that is that I don't want my baby's memories colored with anger or blame, either toward us or the vet. Yet I feel so guilty right now.

Just want to say that I've been reading some of the posts and just reading them helps already - even though the pain is piercingly fresh right now. Just knowing others have questioned their decisions, have had to recognize that they are only human (still working on that one!), feel the intense ache that I feel to have their babies back - well, it helps a bit.

Someone mentioned in a post that they'd been told their pet would hang around for awhile until he or she knew they were alright. I feel that with my Arnold. We have buried him in my garden. We had our own private little memorial service and cried and cried. I told him it was his garden now and that's what I intend to call it - Arnold's garden. I say good morning to him as I leave for work (I'm waiting for the day I can do that without tears) and I can't wait to get home so I can sit and "think" to him and tell him what's going on in the park he so loved, what kind of day it is, what the neighbor's cat is doing. . .

Sorry this got so long - I just needed to gush out the pain, I guess. And say thank you to the people who created this site and who contribute to it. The short time I've had to do some reading has already helped. I will keep coming back and, hopefully, will be in a place where I can help others with their pain some day.

[Arnold]

We packed up Arnold's bed last night, his dishes and his collar. I had put his dishes out of sight already on Sunday, after we buried him, but couldn't think about packing his bed away quite yet. But the last two mornings it was just too hard to see it there, empty, so I had to do it. I'm feeling really angry right now at the vet. I think about when I took Arnold in on Thursday and he was still able to walk on his own and the vet just gave him a shot of penicillin and sent us home. We should have insisted on bloodwork then but we, too, thought it was just a bug. I really really am angry tho that when the Vet did do bloodwork Friday night he didn't call us that night or earlier than the 11 a.m. on Saturday that he finally told me how serious Arnold's condition was. So much time wasted. I know, I know - water under the bridge. And no guarantees. But if Arnold had been stronger, as he was on Thursday - well, who knows.

I did read the article on guilt and I know - it doesn't help to say "we should have found a beter vet" - but that is hard to internalize right now. Still blaming ourselves right now. David mentioned this morning how he thinks of when he was holding Arnold in his arms as we raced him to the hospital, both of us thinking we were getting him help to get better. Neither of us realizing we were taking him there to die.

Just sad today.