I Want To Hug Him Again Options

[Arnold]

I'm not sure I'm doing this right - I've never posted on a board or been involved in a chatroom or anything online. I'm just hurting so much I've spent the last day and a half looking for something to help me. I think this is it. My baby Arnold - 11 yrs old, off-white Shiitzu - passed away on Sunday. It was so fast. We came home from work on Wednesday and he was listless, had wet the sofa (which he would never ordinarily do) and had a fever. We thought it was something bacterial and made an appointment with the vet the next day - late in the day of course because we both work. The vet gave him a shot and sent him home. Next day we couldn't get the antibiotic pills down him and he wouldn't eat or drink. Another vet visit late in the day. This time I learn my baby is very very sick and should stay the night for blood work. I'm still angry that the vet didn't call that night or early the next day to tell me how seriously ill my Arnold was. He had autoimmune hemolytic anemia and was spiraling fast - he needed a blood transfusion. My significant other was helping his daughter move so we wasted another hour by phone trying to find out just what the problem was, what the cost was, wondering how we could afford it, etc. And when we decided we had to give our punkin a chance no matter the cost, we picked him up at the vet (already having difficulty breathing) and rushed him to the animal hospital.

When we could visit him later he could hear us and see us but was too weak even to wag his tail. We debated whether we should spend the night but he seemed stable. We called before going to bed that night - same thing. We left at 6:30 Sunday a.m. to visit him - confident that he was still hanging in there since we had received no phone calls. Sadly, that call came while we were enroute. So our anticipation at seeing our baby was quickly replaced with the news of his passing.

I'm beating myself up right now that we waited too long, trusted the local vet too much, should have insisted on bloodwork right away, etc., etc. The flip side of that is that I don't want my baby's memories colored with anger or blame, either toward us or the vet. Yet I feel so guilty right now.

Just want to say that I've been reading some of the posts and just reading them helps already - even though the pain is piercingly fresh right now. Just knowing others have questioned their decisions, have had to recognize that they are only human (still working on that one!), feel the intense ache that I feel to have their babies back - well, it helps a bit.

Someone mentioned in a post that they'd been told their pet would hang around for awhile until he or she knew they were alright. I feel that with my Arnold. We have buried him in my garden. We had our own private little memorial service and cried and cried. I told him it was his garden now and that's what I intend to call it - Arnold's garden. I say good morning to him as I leave for work (I'm waiting for the day I can do that without tears) and I can't wait to get home so I can sit and "think" to him and tell him what's going on in the park he so loved, what kind of day it is, what the neighbor's cat is doing. . .

Sorry this got so long - I just needed to gush out the pain, I guess. And say thank you to the people who created this site and who contribute to it. The short time I've had to do some reading has already helped. I will keep coming back and, hopefully, will be in a place where I can help others with their pain some day.

[Arnold]

Thank you all for your replies and your kind words. I'm at work and should be working right now but just had such a need to reach out and be heard and to hear from others who understand.

DJ - Edgar, Jesse, Tom's Mom . . . thank you for pointing out that the important thing is that we did something. We tried. It is hard right now to go from "I should have" to "I did what I could" but I can see your wisdom in doing that. And I know Arnold is not out there somewhere thinking bad of me that I didn't do more. I know he just still loves me unconditionally as he always did. Funny how we know these things intellectually, but emotionally it is hard to make it stick. All wrapped up in that intense sense of loss, I guess.

I am sorry for your losses, too. One of the things that has helped me in my short time at this site is the cherished memories people have shared. When you tell of where Oswald liked to sleep, DeeDee - that makes me smile. I can just imagine him curled up all snugly and warm in the sun.

That is one of the images I have of my Arnold. I really think he was part cat as he was always happiest perched on the back of the sofa and looking out a window. When he would fall asleep up there his limbs would just kind of relax down along the corner of the sofa as if he were part of it. Every time I'd look at him I would have to smile.

Thank you all. I know I made the right decision in coming here.