3 Months Since I Said Goodbye To My Boy, having a very hard time Options

[Mo&Maisie'sMom]

I've very depressed for the last couple of weeks. I think the combination of the changing season and the approach of the 'anniversary' (hate that word) of Mo's death has been a huge contributor to feeling so awful. I feel so different than the person I was 3 months and one day ago. I was a very different person - a happier and more peaceful one. I survived the one thing I had always been terrified of, but the worst part is that I felt closer to him after having him put down than ever. And we were inseparable. I feel like we experienced something very profound and intimate together - which makes his death even harder. What if I didn't do the right thing? What if I failed him? I'm still shocked that I had him put down. I hate that I made that decision. The alternative was to put him through more procedures or let him suffer and potentially die alone. He had so many tumors in the last month of his life that my vet told me to pick the 5 worst in terms of discomfort for him (some were ulcerated) and she would inject them with Benadryl. This was supposed to occur a few days after he died, but when I found him on the floor, unconscious, now with heart problems, I couldn't do it. I promised him I would never let him suffer and that I would let him go with dignity. I tried to be selfless, but I question that decision every day. I feel tremendous guilt. I hope he forgives me and knows how much I loved him. I would have given my own life for his without a second thought.

There is this huge space in my heart and my soul where he was..the emptiness seems to get worse, not better. The acute phase of the grieving passed, but the emptiness grows. I know I will never have that bond again. Not like that. When you are unmarried with no human children, there is no one to grieve with over the loss of such a sweet soul, who appreciates how much you miss the tiniest endearing behavior. I know everyone here has experienced the lack of understanding from others and it really makes this worse. He was truly the light of my life.

I'm sorry for all of the negativity, but it's been really tough these past few days.

Thanks for being there..

Jen

[Chaos, my little...]

I survived the one thing I had always been terrified of, but the worst part is that I felt closer to him after having him put down than ever. And we were inseparable. I feel like we experienced something very profound and intimate together - which makes his death even harder. What if I didn't do the right thing? What if I failed him? I'm still shocked that I had him put down. I hate that I made that decision. The alternative was to put him through more procedures or let him suffer and potentially die alone.

I promised him I would never let him suffer and that I would let him go with dignity. I tried to be selfless, but I question that decision every day. I feel tremendous guilt. I hope he forgives me and knows how much I loved him. I would have given my own life for his without a second thought.

know I will never have that bond again. Not like that. When you are unmarried with no human children, there is no one to grieve with over the loss of such a sweet soul, who appreciates how much you miss the tiniest endearing behavior. I know everyone here has experienced the lack of understanding from others and it really makes this worse. He was truly the light of my life.

I understand EXACTLY how you feel. I too am single, with no children. Chaos was my child. I was fortunate that my family understood this love, and cried with me (my twin sister broke down with me again and again which was SO healing), but ultimately, the bond that he and I shared was still deeper than they even realize. It's been 17 days since Chaos died. I had him put down, and suffered pretty badly with guilt for the first week. The first few days I was just in shock that it happened so fast (he was fine one minute, the next paralyzed from his stomach down by an embolism). But ultimately, his body was broken down and I had to let him go so he would stop suffering. There was also a HUGE risk that he would die (in great pain, even medicated) without me there to lovingly help and re-assure him through the transition. It was the ultimate act of love, and of that, I am positive. Same for your situation. There was no "getting out" of it. You made the only loving decision that you could. Don't doubt yourself. It's clear that you did everything right, and you're actions were loving, even at the end.

Much Love,

Jenn (Chaos' Mom)