3 Months Since I Said Goodbye To My Boy, having a very hard time Options

[Mo&Maisie'sMom]

I've very depressed for the last couple of weeks. I think the combination of the changing season and the approach of the 'anniversary' (hate that word) of Mo's death has been a huge contributor to feeling so awful. I feel so different than the person I was 3 months and one day ago. I was a very different person - a happier and more peaceful one. I survived the one thing I had always been terrified of, but the worst part is that I felt closer to him after having him put down than ever. And we were inseparable. I feel like we experienced something very profound and intimate together - which makes his death even harder. What if I didn't do the right thing? What if I failed him? I'm still shocked that I had him put down. I hate that I made that decision. The alternative was to put him through more procedures or let him suffer and potentially die alone. He had so many tumors in the last month of his life that my vet told me to pick the 5 worst in terms of discomfort for him (some were ulcerated) and she would inject them with Benadryl. This was supposed to occur a few days after he died, but when I found him on the floor, unconscious, now with heart problems, I couldn't do it. I promised him I would never let him suffer and that I would let him go with dignity. I tried to be selfless, but I question that decision every day. I feel tremendous guilt. I hope he forgives me and knows how much I loved him. I would have given my own life for his without a second thought.

There is this huge space in my heart and my soul where he was..the emptiness seems to get worse, not better. The acute phase of the grieving passed, but the emptiness grows. I know I will never have that bond again. Not like that. When you are unmarried with no human children, there is no one to grieve with over the loss of such a sweet soul, who appreciates how much you miss the tiniest endearing behavior. I know everyone here has experienced the lack of understanding from others and it really makes this worse. He was truly the light of my life.

I'm sorry for all of the negativity, but it's been really tough these past few days.

Thanks for being there..

Jen

[radgirl]

There is this huge space in my heart and my soul where he was..the emptiness seems to get worse, not better. The acute phase of the grieving passed, but the emptiness grows.

My DH and I went through this last month. I felt exactly the same way....I felt like life would never be great again. And my husband definitely felt the emptiness, too...the more time passed, the more real his being gone became. IT also seemed to getting worse for me also......like you.
That has passed for me, at least not the pain you feel today, it will lessen.

I know everyone here has experienced the lack of understanding from others and it really makes this worse. He was truly the light of my life.

Yeah, I can relate there big time. I stewed over that for two months, because I felt like I had lost everything when no one was there for me. What can I say? People are rude. Misty was the light of my life like Mo was for you.....the loss is going take take some major time to at least get to a place where it's okay...

You shouldn't feel guilty for his medical problems at the end. It sounds like you totally acted in his best interest, and you honored his life by not making him suffer anymore. And like you said, you wouldn't have wanted him to die alone, that would have made the grief worse.

The change of seasons has made me backslide a bit this week, too. I imagine others are having the same problem. For me, Misty used to watch me water the plants outside every morning and his his tail to music in the backyard. I found a CD under the outdoor coffee table and tried to listen to it, but it made me think of him and last summer watering the plants. I know you probably have a similiar story. I think getting through the first year is going to be a challenge for us both.....

I am sorry you are in the extreme pain you are in right now. I went through it for most of March, so I totally know where you are at. It does get better, little by little. I know I can't offer anything to make it go away, but like you, I had that special realtionship that just can't be repalced, that was part of my soul, too.

You aren't the only one who is going through this tremendous loss, and I'm definitely here to listen. Finding people who will listen is so hard. I know that is why Misty meant a lot to me.....

Please keep me posted on how you are doing. Hugs and understanding, Amy