Remembering Hani, My Beautiful Little Girl Options

[Hani&Bruno]

Hello everyone,

It's been 12 days since Hani, my beautiful little girl passed away at the age of 13. She was diagnosed with a heart condition 15 months ago, but had been doing well through medication and treatment until a week before when she noticeably got weaker. Completely devastated and in overwhelming grief and pain, I desperately needed consolation and solace, and "Lightning Strike" was one of the few shelters that I could take myself under.

Of this tragedy, I was informed a day later by my younger sister in Seoul, Korea, who has been the main caretaker to Hani for all these years. I left Hani and my family in September 1999 for the United States, and have not been able to visit them once during the last 7.5 years. Reasons were plenty for both why I came here and why I could not visit them, but it is unncessary to go into details here. When and ever since I left Korea, the one that I missed the most was Hani, the beautiful little Maltese girl, who I loved so much. I loved my other family -- my mom, brother and sisters -- but unlike with them I was not able to really communicate with Hani and I was so saddened when I thought about how my little Hani would be wondering what happened to her "big brother" Jay. According to my mom, Hani sat at the door waiting for me to come home, for a good couple of weeks. Through all these 7.5 years, Hani has been a kind of a token of my promise and hope of seeing my family again. I thought to myself that I had to just go see her before it's too late. But 7.5 years was too long a time for a 5.5 year old dog, and now Hani is no longer in Seoul but in heaven.

While coping with my grief and pain, I found one of the hardest part of it the feelings of guilt and regret. The thought I somehow failed to keep my promise with Hani tormented me so badly. I have my own life here with a loving partner and another wondeful puppy named Bruno. Even though I'm sure that I did not love and miss Hani any less than I loved Bruno, it still hurt me so much that I was not able to see her again and maybe more profoundly that I had to leave her. Troubling throughts, one after another, came inside me and bothered me. I tried so hard to remind myself that Hani, even without me there, was surrounded by so many other family members who loved her as much as I did, had a wonderful happy life of 13 years, and left this earth as an angel for heaven. And, I believe it is true. She WAS a very happy girl who lived a full life of love and happiness, and she must have already understood why I wasn't able to come and see her and forgiven me.

No moment awake passed by without me keenly conscious of the dreadful fact that Hani is no longer with us. I was not able to go to sleep without a few drinks. I could not really eat, talk with people who do not know about what I was going through, and found everything else meaningless. I cried and cried at home from work. I prayed and prayed that God would give me strength to get through this period and also that Hani's new life in heaven would be a blessed one. I read two books: "Grieving the Death of a Pet" by Betty J. Carmack, and "Goodbye Friend" by Gary Kowalski. Reading "Grieving the Death of a Pet" helped me a lot. It's full of such comforting and healing words!

More than 10 days later, now, I am still (of course) in the midst of my grieving, but with a little more hope for healing and peace. I am praying that I will be able to remember my little girl Hani with more smile than tears. I will still cry, but with tears from love and thanks rather than of pain and sorrow.

Please kindly keep Hani and me in your prayer and thoughts, friends. It will mean a lot to both of us. Thank you!

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[Hani&Bruno]

Thank you Moose Mom! You're right. Guilt has been one of the scariest emotions that I've been coping with...

Last night my mom called and we talked about a lot of nice sweet things about Hani, how happy and well loved she always was and also how she responded to all that love in her own special way. She also told me how beautiful she looked when she drew her last breath. It was peaceful and tranquil, she says, and we all have to be very grateful for that as well as for all the wonderful and happy moments Hani shared with us. She says our family there are recovering from grief mainly through talking with each other about all the happy memories with Hani as the best puppy our family has ever had, rather than trying to ignore it. When I confessed to her that I had been bothered by all these complicated feelings, she said everyone was very worried about me grieving intensely and praying for my healing. This was probably the fourth phone conversation with my mom since Hani left us, and the most comforting one.

This morning between 8 and 9 marked exactly 2 weeks of Hani's departure. On my way to work, this acknowledgement pained me so much that I almost threw up and wanted to find a place to hide and cry. I know it feels better after a good crying, but being at work does not make it easy. It will be another difficult day. I still cannot chat with my colleagues or even sit together with any of them for lunch. It might sound funny, but it just feels too "gross" still. Reassuring myself that she had a wonderful happy life of 13 years and now she is an angel in heaven and in our hearts does help but not all the time. Reading some of the most heartbreaking stories here about the sudden horribly violent last moments of their furbabies, I know I have to be thankful but it still hurts. Some suggest doing things that I find "fun," but I cannot seem to find anything fun or even slightly interesting. How do most of us spend our time in and to cope with grief?