I Can't Cope Options

[Ruth]

I had my cat for 13 years, the last four of which he's been ill. Last Tuesday at 7pm I had him put to sleep. For those 13 years, it was just he and I alone together. I've never had many friends as I didn't need them with my beloved Duke for company.

The last half hour of his life was terrifying for him. He hates the vet with a passion and from the moment I put him in the box to the point where he finally died (he had to have two injections as the first one wasn't enough for him) he was paralized with fear.

I had thought about having him put out of his misery so many times, but in the morning I could never do it. This time I did go to the vet and make the appointment and went through with it and I can't believe I've done it.

He was so miserable all the time, he wasn't able to get comfy and lie with his head down. He was always howling and meowing at me making it impossible for me to do anything and then I'd get cross with him, but I loved him so very much. There was nothing I could do to make him better. The vets didn't know what was wrong with him even though he had lots of tests in the early part of his illness. I'd smooth him with the brush which he loved, but then he'd suddenly go for me and you could see from his eyes he didn't have a clue what was going on or even who I was at those moments.

I keep expecting him to come in or to hear him jump off the bed or into the bath where he liked me to run the tap so he could have a drink of water. His hair is everywhere, his things are still around as I haven't had the strength to clear them up. It wouldn't make any difference anyway as I am thinking about him all the time.

When I imagined what it would be like after he'd gone, I thought I'd be relieved to not have him demanding my attention all the time, but I'm not. I'm just feeling hopelessly sad. I'm feeling guilty that I didn't give him more love in his last few days and weeks and I'm really not coping very well at all.

I'm going to work in an hour's time which I'm looking forward to as it's a little easier there as he was never there with me so I don't have the constant reminder, but at home it's hell right now. I can't even begin to describe the feeling when I came home from work yesterday, walked in the door and he wasn't there to roll over and greet me.

Sorry to burden you with this, but I think you might understand whereas I don't know anyone who would even begin to comprehend what I'm going through. I know it will get easier in time, and I'm just wishing the days away until it's better.

[chuchelo]

It's my mother's birthday on Saturday - she's having a bit of a party with my sister and her two children.  I'm going to it but I haven't told her what's happened yet.  She knows how much I care for Duke, so if I told her she will be sad that I'm sad and I can't do that to her until after her birthday.  I'd also like to be a bit stronger so I don't break down into a blubbering jelly.  The thing is she or my sister or both might very well ask after him, and even worse if there are bits of ham left over she'll put them in a bag for me to take home for him.  I'm going to have to find the strength to deal with it and either change the topic of conversation quickly or make an excuse to leave the room if I feel I can't maintain my composure.

Ruth, welcome. This is a very caring community and I am glad you are finding help here. I am so very sorry to hear about your dear friend, Duke. It was two weeks ago tonight that I left the answering machine message for our housecall vet, asking her to come the following day to put our sweet Chuchelo (Russian for scarecrow) to sleep. It is horrible beyond belief, is it not?

After it was over, I sent an email to my mother and brothers which first read: Please do not call us because we cannot talk about this right now. and then explained what happened. Is it possible that a friend could call your family and explain what has happened and that when you come to the party, you do not anyone to mention Duke -- that you will speak to them later about it, when your grief is not so raw? Just a thought.

Be gentle with yourself.

Chuchelo's mom