I Can't Cope Options

[Ruth]

I had my cat for 13 years, the last four of which he's been ill. Last Tuesday at 7pm I had him put to sleep. For those 13 years, it was just he and I alone together. I've never had many friends as I didn't need them with my beloved Duke for company.

The last half hour of his life was terrifying for him. He hates the vet with a passion and from the moment I put him in the box to the point where he finally died (he had to have two injections as the first one wasn't enough for him) he was paralized with fear.

I had thought about having him put out of his misery so many times, but in the morning I could never do it. This time I did go to the vet and make the appointment and went through with it and I can't believe I've done it.

He was so miserable all the time, he wasn't able to get comfy and lie with his head down. He was always howling and meowing at me making it impossible for me to do anything and then I'd get cross with him, but I loved him so very much. There was nothing I could do to make him better. The vets didn't know what was wrong with him even though he had lots of tests in the early part of his illness. I'd smooth him with the brush which he loved, but then he'd suddenly go for me and you could see from his eyes he didn't have a clue what was going on or even who I was at those moments.

I keep expecting him to come in or to hear him jump off the bed or into the bath where he liked me to run the tap so he could have a drink of water. His hair is everywhere, his things are still around as I haven't had the strength to clear them up. It wouldn't make any difference anyway as I am thinking about him all the time.

When I imagined what it would be like after he'd gone, I thought I'd be relieved to not have him demanding my attention all the time, but I'm not. I'm just feeling hopelessly sad. I'm feeling guilty that I didn't give him more love in his last few days and weeks and I'm really not coping very well at all.

I'm going to work in an hour's time which I'm looking forward to as it's a little easier there as he was never there with me so I don't have the constant reminder, but at home it's hell right now. I can't even begin to describe the feeling when I came home from work yesterday, walked in the door and he wasn't there to roll over and greet me.

Sorry to burden you with this, but I think you might understand whereas I don't know anyone who would even begin to comprehend what I'm going through. I know it will get easier in time, and I'm just wishing the days away until it's better.

[Ruth]

Thank you so much for your kind words and support. I'm glad I found this forum as it allows me to make more sense of what I'm feeling. Over the last couple of days, I've read lots of your posts and I'm beginning to realise these feelings of guilt are something we all share for one reason or another which is very reassuring.

I've been reading about Buster and Oswald and all the other beloved pets that have been lost. I don't actually believe in an afterlife, but yesterday I found myself talking to my father who died 8 years ago and asking him to look after my baby.

Saki and Freyja's Mom, I was worried that I'd have to organise what to do with him myself, but fortunately the vet had it all in hand and offered me a one animal cremation and I'll get his ashes back sometime next week. I was really glad I didn't have to deal with that on top of everything else. I'm happy that I'm able to get him back as I'll be able to have what's left of him at home with me again. I have some photographs, not many which I want to put round the container I finally put him in. I also read on this forum of someone having a locket with their pet's fur inside. I like this idea - the vet gave me the fur she'd shaved off his legs for the injections. Plus some she shaved off the white tip of his tail before I could stop her.

I've managed to hold it together at work as I can't just burst into tears, and it's helpful being there where he never was. I'm normally so eager to get home, but today I didn't feel like coming home because the house would be empty. Maybe I should come home at lunch times so I can practice going in and out of the door until it becomes easier!

I used to hate leaving him in the morning to go to work when he was ill, but on the other hand I also was relieved to leave him for the day so I didn't have to watch him being miserable and unwell and I could have a bit of peace and quiet.

I know life is going to be easier for me after I've got over some of the heartache. I'll actually be able to sit at the computer like I am now without him whining at my side or having to deal with his constant demands. I'll even be able to have a holiday! I didn't like leaving Duke and I certainly would never have put him in a boarding kennel, so I've not been away from home for more than two nights since I've had him. The last four years since he's been ill, I've only been away one night at a time and that wasn't very often. This is going to sound pathetic but when people asked me where I was going on holiday, I'd always make up some daft excuse not involving the cat because they'd think I was crazy to be so devoted to him. My family knew, and I'm sure they think I'm batty.

It's my mother's birthday on Saturday - she's having a bit of a party with my sister and her two children. I'm going to it but I haven't told her what's happened yet. She knows how much I care for Duke, so if I told her she will be sad that I'm sad and I can't do that to her until after her birthday. I'd also like to be a bit stronger so I don't break down into a blubbering jelly. The thing is she or my sister or both might very well ask after him, and even worse if there are bits of ham left over she'll put them in a bag for me to take home for him. I'm going to have to find the strength to deal with it and either change the topic of conversation quickly or make an excuse to leave the room if I feel I can't maintain my composure.

BabyHannahsMom, Duke didn't howl when he was put to sleep, but he was terrified and I didn't like the fact that he had to have two injections. On the positive side, as soon as the second one went in he was gone. In my mind, I had imagined he'd go to sleep then die, but he didn't. He went from wide eyed to limp with his second eyelid covering his still open eyes and a grimace on his face. I don't think he suffered because it was just too fast, but it would have been good if he'd had a few moments to sleep first. Regarding doing anything to have Hannah back, I've thought about what it would like to have Duke back a lot. If I could click my fingers and he'd return, it would be very tempting. But where would that leave us. Yes, it would be wonderful to have him in my arms again, but the first time I wanted to do anything other that pay him attention, he'd start yowling again and I'd have to watch as he tried to sit down all hunched up and crying and not be able to sprawl out and go to sleep. The only thing I should have done, is dealt with this earlier when it became apparent that he wasn't going to get any better.

Sorry deedee, that's guilt coming through again and I will try and focus on the positive images which made us so happy together.

Thanks for the link DJ - like I said I'm not a particularly religious of spiritual person, but it was a beautiful piece. Strangely, if there were any sort of indication from him that he were happy and still loved me I would take it without &%^ysing.

I've rambled a lot, but since he died all I can do is write. My diary entries are pages long as it helps me to get my feelings down on paper/screen.

Thanks again for your kind words and sympathy. It's good to be somewhere where I can express my emotions without being thought of as bonkers.