A Month Today Options

[bluemoon]

Its been a month today since my Gizzy left me, and I have to say it has been the hardest month of my life.
Since a week after he left me I have also lost 2 uncles and Aunt. Onother uncle had a bad car accident and had to have is legs amputated. I have spent a month just crying. I havent posted much on here (sorry for that) I have been trying so hard to deal with my grief.
I love my family so much, but I just keep thinking of my Gizzy. He seems to be the one that comes to the front of my mind everytime I cry. I dont mean to say my lost family members mean any less to me, of course they mean a lot, its just my Gizzy was the hardest loss, my innocent baby that would have helped me through this pain. He addored my Aunt, he would have been so happy to see her on the other side. I know they are looking after each other.
I do keep having dreams of my Gizzy, maybe he is coming back to me then. I just wish I could hold him, and feel his little face rubbing mine when I cry. He hated seeing me upset. He would roll over sometimes like a dog we called it "doing tricks for mummy" he would stretch his little legs out and have a fantastic smile on his face, all this I am sure was to make me smile. My god, what I would give right now to see him do that again.
I wake up almost every morning, wishing I hadnt woken up ! I know its not right to think like that, but things are just too much for me. I am being really tested for endurance now.
Its now harder to talk to people about how I feel, I think they think its been a month, you should be ok now..... but Im not !!
I keep making a mistake for which I feel really bad about after, when I talk to my other 3 babies I often find myself in a muddle and call one of them Gizzy, they look at me as if to say "what" poor babies, im so sorry.
It was mothers day here yesterday, my daughter has always got me a card from my babies, Gizzy's name was missing this year, I just cried.
I know I am lucky to have the other 3, but they are just not Gizzy, they dont do the things he did, and I soooo want them to.
I am sorry to go on, I just needed to say something, today is so hard to do.
Thanks for taking the time to read this.
Ruth xx