Don't Have The Heart, Feel Like I'm Dying Here Options

[BabyHannahsMom]

[ANOTHER ONE OF MY OLD POSTS -- THIS ONE MADE AFTER I HAD ADOPTED A COUPLE OF LITTLE DOGS FROM THE SHELTER, AND ONE OF THEM KILLED MY LITTLE BIRD BABE]

Sorry, Another bad, bad post. I feel like I am surely dying here -- and not slowly. No peace still in my heart, and no peace in my home. The puppy is driving me absolutely mad. I have done nothing that I want to do in the last several days I've been off. I have arranged and re-arranged furniture. I have moved things high up, and he still finds something to ruin. He won't leave the other dog alone, and he won't leave me alone.

I just came in from going out and trying to take a break -- watering plants, which I love to do. Then again I come into another mess and a dog that won't stop.

I was trying to do the right thing. I know I must be focussing on the bad. I am so up and then so down. I wanted so to work on my list of dangers and the poems. I wanted to sit in the shade, lie in a pool for half an hour.

I seem to be encountering pain everywhere I go. Today I went out to get something to bring home to eat. There were two little dogs in the middle of the street -- long haired, precious little Laso's or something (don't know how to spell that). I knocked on a door and said these dogs are in the street -- are they yours -- they are going to get run over. One of the dogs had walked up with me and she let him in the house, said thank you and shut the door. The other little dog was still in the middle of the street. I went and picked him up and knocked on the door again. She said, "will you put him down right here? I don't touch them. They are my daughter's dogs. I don't like dogs."

The world seems cruel and heartless and apathetic. Who I am to help? How can there possibly be enough people to help and how can we stand it trying to take this horrible mess on our shoulders? One lesson I have learned is how overwhelmed all the people are who are trying to make a difference in the lives of animals. And see, just like what happened to Babe, you try to do good and right, and then you are just bombarded with all sorts of bad things. And yes, I am feeling awfully sorry for myself, for everyone, for the world, for God even. This place is such a mess. I feel like giving up. I am so, so tired. I miss my babies. I miss my old friends, Hannah and Babe. I know, once again, poor poor pitiful me, but I am sorry, I am just so despondent, feeling so inadequate, so alone again.

I always wanted so to be a bright light, a beacon in the night, a helper, a friend, but I guess I'm just not. I apparently don't have it in me to be consistent.

I did look into the sky while I was outside. I heard a little bird, and I said, "Hey Babe, Hannah, Ginger, Luba, Little Girl, and all your babies, and all the babies and friends and relatives I've lost. Thank you people. Please don't misunderstand me. I am just lost right now -- so lost. Just a really, really bad day -- just a really, really bad attitude, I know. Lord, I shouldn't even post this, but I'm going to. I think I sound like a really crazy person, and I feel like it right now. Lost, lost, lost -- wondering why everything seems so sad and hurtful and why I can't see the good -- in my heart, I know it's there, but I am blinded somehow by something. I don't know what in the world I'm supposed to do. I don't know what is happening here.