I Can't See The Answer Through My Tears Options

[FurDad]

Hi everyone. We all have our hurts, our regrets and our unanswered questions which lead us to doubt. I am no different, but I need a little help here. Yesterday I took Tan, my huge big bear of a german shepherd to the vets. Tan was 12 yrs old and had been with me since he was a pup. He had been getting tired for a while now and had problems with walking but only the other day I came home to find him not at the front door waiting for me but sat up in the middle of the living room. He couldnt move to get to me. Eventually with a lot of coaxing he kinda hobbled around for a little while but was obviously uncomfortable and his little relaxing groans as he tried to lay down had turned to moans of discomfort. His head hung low and his eyes were sad and unfocused. He no longer showed any of that sparkle he had tried for so long to keep for me. He just looked tired, like he'd just had enough now. I stayed up with him all night, trying to help to make him comfortable, hoping he would perk up. He didnt seem to be able to get comfortable the next day either and didnt eat at all. So I took him to the vets. When I took his lead out he kinda brightened up a little and I prayed it would stay that way. I helped him into the car and we set off. At the vets he sat waiting to go in, but when it was our turn to be seen he couldnt get up again and I could see it in the vets face that they knew he wasnt getting any better. After they looked him over they told me they had also found a large lump in his tummy...this combined with his loss of mobility and his general demanour told them that putting him to sleep was the best thing they could do for him. I was in shock! I thought because he had perked up a little that they would just give him some pills and we'd be on our way again. They said it wouldnt improve his quality of life. Before I go any further you need to know I lost Midge a staffordshire terrier two years before in pretty much the same way and I stayed with her as she drifted away, crying my heart out. I loved her as my own child. The same way I loved Tan.

This time I couldnt do it, I couldnt stay with Tan as he drifted away. He wasnt alone I would never do that. He was with my partner who loved him as I did. But I couldnt be there this time, I remember the upset I tried to hide from Midge last time and I didnt want that to spook Tan and to be honest I just couldnt face seeing him go. So as my partner lay with him as he drifted away I took our 10 month old child outside where I cried my heart out all over again and called to Midge to be waiting for him when he arrived with her.

I know I should have been there now, I know it's what is done. But the hurt was too much for me and I feel I have let my Tan down. Why was I there for Midge and not for him? Did he know that? I dont know what I am asking of you...I really dont. I just know that if time could be turned back I would stay with him. It was all so quick and unexpected I just didnt have time to adjust, to face it.

Does my baby boy know? Have I let him down after all these years? The guilt is killing me. I KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVED HIM, HE KNEW THAT TOO...but at the last did I break my boys heart?

[ryancat]

Dear Furdad, I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful Tan (and Midge too).It is so very hard to lose them no matter what the situation.Please don't feel guilty about not being there in the room with him.He knew you loved him and you made the right choice for yourself.Only you can know why you didn't stay in the room with him.When my boy Sox was being put to sleep I couldn't stay in there either,my husband stayed with him (I'll be forever grateful to him for that).I just couldn't hold it together enough to be in there.I, like you went outside to a small garden on the side of the building and cried my heart out.I know you feel bad about not being in there but you really were THERE for him,you were THERE for his whole life,loving him and taking care of him.He will always know how very much you loved him.Please don't beat yourself up about this.It can't be changed now and it won't benefit anyone to relive it over and over again.I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and I hope you find comfort in knowing that you are not alone in your grief.We care, so please keep in touch and let us know how your doing.Sincerely,Renee (Sox's mom)