A Sorrowful 5 Months Today, ...for my Nissa-girl Options

[Furkidlets' Mom]

My Darling Pee-Pop, my Button, my Sweetie Pet*itee, The Girl Who Launched a Million Names,

I still can't really believe it. And all I do is think of you...a million images. How can you possibly not be here, with me, with Daddy, filling this now-empty house up with your huge, pink, fuzzy love...your Little Loudie yells, as announcements of your arrival in a room, as calls for playtime, as demands to go OOOUUUUTTT now, please!!, because you brought in a fluttery, a mousie or a birdie, our Mighty Huntress! A million conversations we had, you and I, every day, all thoughout the day. How many times did we clearly hear you call out, "MOooOM!"? How many ways did you make me feel special, fully loved, needed, useful, vital, alive? A million. How many cuddles did we share, in any ol' room, under a blankie-cave to keep us ever-chilly gals warm, your powdery-smelling fur sniffed so soothingly in-and-out of my nostrils, how we couldn't get close enough, we both loved cuddling so much? A million. Remember one of our last afternoon naps that you'd requested, where you placed your plush cheek right next to mine, with the corners of our mouths just touching, and we fell asleep that way? Only once, this new delight, and not as many as our lip-on-lip rests, but I've recalled it a million times, it was so heart-warming, so endearing, too. How many times did you make me laugh with sheer abandon, take me right back to your kittenhood and my inner child, getting that Kitten-Button, Big Button-Eyed look on your darling face and on your plushed-out head fur, when we had our rousing games with Bed Monstah, snake, flutteries, Plaid Guy, tubie, rubbery-O, mousie, feathah, cellophane and all your other 'friends'....a million. And the piece de resistance, my reason to live.....our kisses...my Little Love-Dove....oh, Niski....no one but me will ever know how you took me right to Heaven with your indescribable kisses, those so-soft, fuzzy lips, that talented tongue of yours that could deliver the softest, sweetest, light-as-air butterfly kisses that made me literally weep with grat*itude for you. And the full range in between, all the way to your ‘deep throat’ (), Passion-Fruity, make me laugh while trying to kiss, humongous smooches where Daddy would tell us to “get a room, you two!” Your insistent paws clutching my face, my neck, pulling me in ever closer, with your “NO talking! KISS now!” rule. Do you think we DID make it to our personal goal of “a miiiiiiillion kisses!” throughout your 19 yrs and 7 months here with me? I hope so, my Sweetest of the Sweet…because we both deserved that, and more.

This house in no longer a home...it's just an empty space where I try to continue existing. I always told you that you were such a tiny package but with a voice SO loud and clear (no matter how worn-out your body was getting) and a Holy Presence so HUGE that it filled our home and my life so completely, so wonderfully, so lovingly, that I could hardly believe it, could hardly believe that you were mine, all mine, to have and to hold, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health….and beyond death seeming to part us. It just can’t; we can’t let it!! It’s been 5 long eternities since I was last able to see you, touch you, hear you, hold you, hug you, kiss you, rub and stroke you, do for you and know that my world was still okay, because you were still here, still in it with me. Tiny bundle though you were, you got me through everything ~ a divorce, an-across-country move, your brother’s passing, then my Mum’s and my own brother’s and all the family hell following their deaths, my own illnesses, the cruelties of this world. You and your ever-growing kisses and love got me through it all. And now how do I get through this irony, of your own transition? Please help me, my girl, Light of my Life, my daughter, she who is part of my very soul…help me, be with me still, keep our love growing, help me lift the thin veil so I can still have and hold you, forevermore, so that we can abolish this idea called Death. I will always need you. I will always love you, more than words can ever hope to say, and I will never leave you. I will never let you go….because you’re my girl…and we have a million more kisses to go. And just as I said it for your brother, I say the same to you now, because you are….my one in a million girl:

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday’s
Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood’s faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, ~ I love thee with the breadth,
Smiles, tears of all my life! ~ and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

~Elizabeth Barrett Browning~

I LOVE you, my Sweetie…always did, still do and always will...and I DO love you more after....
Love,
Mommy

Attached image(s)

 

[Furkidlets' Mom]

Lori, Alley's Mama, Renee,

Thanks, all of you, for sticking by me yesterday, in my hour of increased need. (don't worry, Paula, for not being as comforting as YOU wanted to be....you were here all the same, and that's what really counts) Like so many of us say here....I don't know what I'd do w/o this site and the caring people on it. It truly is a Lifeline.

I cried so much yesterday, my eyes felt like I'd been chopping onions all day; could barely open them by evening. And talk about exhaustion! Evening brought yet another sort of blow, as we were watching Atlantis. We'd missed the beginning and suddenly one character came on-screen, turned his head towards the camera, and my heart sank even further into the pit....one of his eyes was all black, just as one of Nissa's had been after her high blood pressure had killed it. I turned my head away, remembering, but not wanting to....not this part. If this was a sign, it was rather a twisted one, so I couldn't keep watching and we switched shows. I actually have had one of her pics taken after her eye was damaged, sitting right in front of me on the coffee table, ever since she left, because it's really a good photo and she's looking right into the camera, and it's how I knew her at the last anyway. But just as I often did when she was here, I avoid looking at that one eye and focus instead on her good one. I don't want to put it away because this was the reality I lived with for her final months, and of course I loved her no matter what was wrong with her body, or how it looked. It's not even that it looked bad (just like a very dilated pupil), but just knowing that my poor girl couldn't SEE out of it and that it caused her depth perception to be skewed is what bothered me. So this sudden reminder on TV really threw me for a loop. It sure wasn't how I'd wished to end this already-painful day.

I don't know who I'll end up being after the worst of the grief has settled down. Right now I still feel like Myself While In Mourning, but a much lonelier and more traumatized version....and bitter, from the few 'friends' who haven't continued to support me in any meaningful way, or who have actually made matters worse the longer time went on. We'd run into someone we'd supported (calls, a visit, cards, funeral, offers to talk) in her own sudden loss (her dad) before Christmas. Unlike me, she was fine, laughing, upbeat, with her daughter and SIL (whom my H has known for decades). She'd even had 2 more losses since her dad passed, but the notable difference was the support (level and amount) for her and her family. They didn't want nor need our company, so it was a wasted effort...again...on my part. I should have kept my own heart sheltered, as it was hurt one more time. In sharp contrast to this woman's experience, I now don't think there's anyone I love whose death would warrant better support for me (in person). As I kept asking with each death...just who is it that has to die in order for me to deserve more support?!?! My fur-son, my Mother, my brother and now my fur-daughter...none of them has been 'good enough' a loss, nor has the number of my losses in so short a time been 'good enough', either. So the import of how Nissa stepped up HER efforts, and never removed them no matter what else happened, no matter how much she, herself, had to contend with, is HUGER than huge....as is my loneliness now without her to 'save' me. I also always told her that I could never possibly repay her for all the love she'd given me, through this stuff, through just being who she was. To me, my girl was the ant*ithesis of all that's lacking in many humans and nothing could have ever been perfect enough for her. If SHE could rule the world, it would be the same as Heaven in every regard. And speaking of which, I SWEAR she sent me this song, right after Christmas...

Song: CHANGE THE WORLD

If I could reach the stars I'd pull one down for you
Shine it on my heart so you could see the truth
That this love I have inside is everything it seems
But for now I find it's only in my dreams

CHORUS:
That I can change the world
I would be the sunlight in your universe
You will think my love was really something good
Baby if I could change the world

If I could be king even for a day
I'd take you as my queen I'd have it no other way
And our love will rule in this kingdom we have made
Till then I'd be a fool wishin' for the day

CHORUS:
That I can change the world
I would be the sunlight in your universe
You will think my love was really something good
Baby if I could change the world
Baby if I could change the world

~Eric Clapton~