Euthanasia, Help me to accept I did the right thing Options

[sheps mama]

I am new to the forum & don't know if I am using it properly, please bear with me. I have just lost my precious Old English Sheepdog, Shep. He was 14 1/2 years old and I don't think I will ever feel normal again. The vet advised us over a month ago to put him to sleep as old age was wrecking his body. He was having problems walking at times but his spirit was willing - it was just his body that was letting him down. He was clearly suffering froom old age but because we were with him all the time, it seemed very gradual to us and not as bad as the vet made out. We love this boy with every bit of us and now the pain is just too much to bear. He was the most loving, giving creature and now I feel that I have let him down just when he needed us most. We did the inevitable yesterday and I feel like someone has ripped me apart from the inside out. I have cried, screamed and shouted and nothing is making this feeling of overwhelming guilt & sorrow go away. How could I have believed that we were doing this for his good? I held his head in my hands as he slipped away and now his face is haunting my every moment. I knew I would never ever be ready to accept that it was his time but now I feel that he wasn't ready either - the way he looked at me as he slipped away - I will never ever forgive myself. I feel that life has just lost it's sparkle and I will never here or see my precious boy again. Can someone please help me believe that we did the right thing before I lose my mind altogether?

[sheps mama]

E.M. and Amarna - sorry for not posting sooner. I have been at work and don't always get a chance to go on the site. Also, when I am back at home, I mostly go on to the site at night time and I have found that this is keeping me awake through the night. I seem to lie there thinking about Shep and everyone else going through the same things as me, and it is troubling me to the point where I am getting upset again and can't sleep. The truth is I am missing the site but when I log on to it at work in the morning, I am again overwhelmed by my sense of loss and get upset at work - so I have been avoiding it until I feel better again.

We received Shep's ashes back yesterday. It seems to have calmed me a little but unsettled my partner. I'm just happy to have him home agin, although I'm not ready to scatter them as yet.

I know I said I'd never have another animal again but I now find I am craving the company of animal (crazy I know!). I miss their unconditional love and the comfort they give to you. My house is very empty now and I don't think I'll ever get used to going to bed without a last walk in the rain at night.

Because Shep's markings were white at the head and blue on the body, I keep waking up at night and thinking I can see him lying at the side of the bed - (normally I would only see the white part of him in the moonlight) and then I remember. However, I am definitely getting better - the complete and utter agony and insanity I felt before has lifted and I am left with pain that is getting easier to bear (and now feel guilty about this ....go figure!).

I hope you both are feeling better and coping with these horrible feelings. I sometimes wish we could all meet up and have a proper chat - it would be great - all of us sitting there with mascara running etc!! I really appreciated both of you asking after me - the people around me just now aren't part of our club - they are of the "it's just an animal" gang and it makes me feel like I shouldn't be feeling as crap as I am over my boy Shep.

Amarna, I completely understand what you did with the deer - just a little movement is enough to help sometimes - I guess you don't have any other animals like me? Hopefully though, by the end of the year we will have another dog. I can't wait - it's very strange not having to trudge about through the wind and rain at all hours of the day & night!!

Take care & write soon.

Debbie
Sheps mama
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