Dear Shani - Lost December 23, 2006 Options

[Daria]

Shani was the most amazing and beautiful little friend. She was a miniature schnauzer and my husband and I grew so very attached to her. She was very healthy for most of her life and didn't have any major medical issues. Out of the blue she started having grand mal seizures, the first one in October which was absolutely terrifying to witness and the vet put her on potassium bromide which helped to control the seizures but also made her drowsy, irritable and clumsy. The vet advised us that at her age seizures usually indicate the presence of a brain tumor.

We couldn't afford to get an MRI to absolutely confirm the diagnosis but were pretty sure that the vet was correct after doing our own research and observing her symptoms. As I think back to the few months prior to the seizures she had been showing symptoms and her personality started to change and she got to where she had trouble keeping balance and she couldn't navigate stairs anymore. I think in a way we knew she would die soon so we were able to prepare. But it is still a shock and you always hold out some hope that they will recover up until the very end.

Her symptoms continued to get worse and by the morning of Saturday Dec 23 she had declined so rapidly over the previous evening that she was having trouble remaining conscious as her lungs started filling with fluid and her heart was stopping. My husband Bruce was holding her close to his chest and we were hoping she would die naturally as he held her but I insisted on taking her to the vet as I didn't want her to suffer nor did I want to have to bury her. We made the agonizing decision that morning to have her put to rest. We had been through this once before but it is never easy. We are waiting for her ashes to be returned. It's been very hard. She was almost 13.

I still look for her and reach down near my legs to touch her every morning when I wake up. I still have trouble believing she's gone. Everything we did involved her. I spoke to her constantly. I loved to sing to her and make up silly songs for her. Every single moment of every day I thought of her. If I was at work, I couldn't wait to get home to be with her. She was everything that was good and right in the world. She was so pure and remarkable in every way. She was so smart and funny. She spoke in her adorable and unique way quite often. When we were with her she never once let us out of her sight nor did we let her out of ours. Every time I looked at her it made me smile.

She was with us virtually every moment of her life and she slept with us every single night on our bed and was such a happy and fun little character. She loved life so much and was able to travel to many different states when we went camping & got to stay in hotels with us. We never went anywhere without her and she was definitely the central focus of our life. In fact, when we first got her in Feb 1994 I took a week of vacation off to stay with her! Thereafter, every vacation day, day off, and holiday was spent with her.

Before moving to Iowa last February we owned a small bookstore in Northern California. She became the store dog and was with us all day every day. For the past several years and up to the moment she died there was never a time when she was alone. It was important to my husband and I that she was always with us and we were fortunate to have been able to arrange our life to make that possible. She was the most playful doggie I've ever known. She had a whole laundry basket full of toys and would play with each and every one. She would even put her toys back in the basket once she was done playing with them! We were sure she was a genius and she proved that time and time again!

When I would come home with bags of groceries she insisted on looking in every bag. Often I would buy her a new toy and hide it in one of the bags for her to find. She so loved getting new toys! She also used to love playing with lemons and limes. She was so funny because she would bite them and get the juice in her mouth and would get the funniest look on her face. But, she would continue to play with them like a ball anyway. Often I would go to work and open my bag and find a toy or two inside. I used to love that! She also used to love digging in the dirt, going to the beach and playing in the snow. She was a great watchdog and was fiercely protective of us. It took her quite awhile to warm up to other people.

For the past several months my husband has been unemployed and Shani was by his side every day and provided much needed support. She would go to him and put her paw on top of or in his hand several times a day and look at him to let him know she was there. She would insist on him playing with her and would make him take her outside several times a day. She actively helped him stay upbeat and positive and gave him so much joy. On the other hand, since her health was declining it was a comfort to know that she wasn't alone and was able to be nursed by my husband while I was at work during the day. Even though we were struggling with one income we knew that it was a blessing to have Bruce at home with her. Things happen the way they are supposed to it would seem.

I lost my brother September 2005, his best friend in October 2005 and my uncle in December 2005 and Shani was there to help me through those terrible losses. I came to rely on her for support and she gladly gave everything she had and more. I have no regrets other than the fact that she is no longer with us. We gave her everything she needed and she gave us so much more in return. She was loved very much - very, very much. She smiled often and was an amazing soul. It helps me to share her life with you. She did indeed have a most wonderful life. It's hard to imagine ever getting over this sweet creature. I wish I could adequately convey how special she was but words do little justice.

No one could have loved her more than us. I am sure of that!

Daria

Here is a picture of Shani. Her name means "Little Entertainer".
She couldn't have had a more appropriate name!

[Furkidlets' Mom]

Daria,

Somehow I seem to have missed your post until now! (my head's been rather shot since I lost my gal, Nissa) I'm sorry for that, and for the physical loss of your sweet Shani....and she certainly is! So beautiful, just like your lives together, filled with a love so huge it could never really end.

I've taken much comfort myself from ideas presented in your thread. I, too, really like Lori's take on a soul being too big to be contained any longer. That would certainly fit my Sabin, who left us at the early age of 13.

And speaking of whom, since you asked ( be warned: this isn't short!)...Sabin was the one who taught me that consciousness doesn't end, and that love never dies....and he still does. Even before his leaving, I KNEW that he'd die that year...out of the blue. His visitations afterwards were numerous and began by the second day after he 'left'. His very first one was the best (for me) and most powerful. I felt him tromping my hair and nuzzling the inside of my ear, and heard him purring, during that state where I'd already started to wake up (conscious of being awake already, but not stirring yet) on the 2nd morning. This was one of my most fav*ourite things that he'd always done and always thrilled me to my core....and he knew it! My first thought was that all was normal, followed by knowing that he'd 'gone', followed by thinking it must be Nissa (his sister) taking on his ways...all this in a split second. I then opened my eyes, to find Nissa deeply asleep way down on my legs...and knew that it was my Bud who'd really come to me! While there was pain, too, for the most part I was ecstatic! HERE was my proof, that he not only wasn't really dead, but that he still loved me, despite his traumatic passing in which I'd had a hand. What greater gift could he have given me?!?!

In the next few wks, Nissa and I continually heard him jumping down from his usual spots upstairs when we were having our lap-time on the couch in the evenings. She'd crane her neck, all goosey-like, and I'd crank mine around, both of us actually expecting to see him loping down the stairs to come join us.

Then one night, while I was washing up in the bathroom, with Nissa by my feet and my H asleep in bed already, Nissa and I heard him clawing the carpet in the closet next to the bathroom door, where their carrier was and where he'd spent quite a bit of time snoozing on and off in the last year. We both were startled....and then it came again, just as loud, clear and unmistakeable. Nissa felt compelled to get up and slowly approach the closet door, and I...had to open it, for her, for me...just to see. I was crestfallen when he wasn't visibly present in there...but still...it was wonderful, both to hear him doing yet another thing he was known for, and in a place he'd hung out in, and also to have such clear validation from his sister as well...it wasn't just me.

He also began (and has never stopped) sending me his age (13), in so many places and times that I started keeping notes on this. It was incredible....often up to 5x's/day, for days then weeks on end. And when there were fewer, I'd simply ask him to send more....and I'd get more right away!

I also clearly heard him speak to me in my head once....it was NOT my own voice, nor any kind of thought that I would normally have had, being so depressed and grief-ridden.

I also had quite a few visitations in my 'dreams'...too many to detail here, but suffice it to say, the theme was most often the same: I could hold him and really FEEL his fur (there's a story behind this as well, so it was a clear indication); I simply 'got' from him that no matter what, he was safe and couldn't be harmed; he was here, yet he was physically gone; and we still loved each other as we always had.

He also sent me a particular, very obscure song that I'd often sung to him (as well as using as the last song at his burial), one Boxing Day when I was really missing him (about the 3rd year), which buoyed me up for days!

His actual burial was also full of amazing 'coincidences'.....which I no longer believe in (coincidences). He also came through Nissa on several occasions through the years, usually at specific times.....and more.....

In essence, I've received SOOOO much from my boy. He KNEW I needed this in order to carry on, in order to grow and open myself more to the wonders that truly exist....and to carry this message to others who need it. Sabin was a wise, old soul from whom I DIDN'T need proof that we'd been together many times before, in many ways. I just KNEW it in the deep recesses of my soul.

My curse has been that, after all that, I fully expected Nissa to 'follow in his footsteps' and do much the same for me when she'd 'gone'...and that hasn't happened, at least not in nearly the same kinds of ways. Essentially, only ONE real visitation 'dream', w/o the tactile experience, and some other smaller things that could be left open to interpretation....unlike these experiences with Sabin. So despite my knowledge, I'm totally distraught about my girl and am supposed to rely on trust now....but I can't so far, so remain distraught about her survival. It's crazy, but that's how it is with me. I always seem to need proof.

You might want to read "Animals And The Afterlife" by Kim Sheridan, a chronicling of many people's experiences after their furbabies crossed over, including her own which are very powerful. All sorts of animals are included, her own being of her beloved rats. She's in the midst of writing a second book, which may also include part of my experience in reading her first book, as it did bring up some pain for me because of the lack of signs from Nissa. But it's a great book, nonetheless, and may bring you much comfort AND understanding and possible explanations.

I hope this was of help to you, especially hearing that even those of us who've experienced such proof can still suffer doubt and fear when that isn't repeated to our satisfaction, with each of our babies. Sabin was just a Master at this and other such unseen but true things, and it pains me that the rest might have to be left up to a more 'blind' faith. But one thing's for certain ~ animals are here to teach us what we've lost touch with, and for that, they are certainly among the most hallowed beings that ever live.