Time And Grief Options

[Furkidlets' Mom]

These are 2 paragraphs from the article by Pat Schwiebert, R.N. that I just posted in the resource section here (italics are mine).

Wasting time.
Though in real life I pride myself in being a master at mult*itasking, in the land of grief I’m much less sure of myself. I find it hard to make decisions because, in my new situation, I don’t trust myself to make the right choice. I want someone else to be responsible if something goes wrong. Sometimes my wasting time is about not having the energy to get started. I am physically exhausted and my body refuses to make an effort to reclaim my former self. And I admit, quite frankly, that I’m not sure I even care enough about anything to make the effort. What’s the use, since it seems like everything I love sooner or later gets taken away from me.

Looking back in time.
When we grieve we spend most of our time, at least at first, looking back. It seems safer that way. That’s where our missing loved ones are. If we were to look forward, that would mean we would have to imagine our lives without those we have lost. And that’s what we aren’t ready to accept--not yet. So we spend a lot of time thinking how we should have been able to prevent their dying, or wondering if we used our time with them well, as we remember the good times, bad times, silly and sad times. We think we have to keep those memories in front of us, or surely we will forget those whom we have lost.

I find these are places where I'm spending alot of that linear time lately (especially the italisized sections), with no will or inner means to shift out from there. And I find I'm feeling guilty about being stuck in these phases, not because of what others might think, but because it also feels like my time on earth is rapidly running out (in many ways, a most welcome thought!!) and I'm nowhere near where I'd prefer to end up before I, too, die. The only thing that even propels me to keep 'reaching for the stars' if you will, is that if I'm not more 'evolved' by the time my own time comes to leave, maybe I WON'T be able to be on the same plane as my kidlets, and I'll be doomed to stay stuck in the quagmire I now find myself in! I'd rather be totally and completely w/o any consciousness than have that happen! Anyone else feel this way, too?

[Furkidlets' Mom]

While I really can't visualize myself being w/o cats forevermore, I've thought for a long time (even when Nissa was still here) about the possibility of running some kind of business to help cats, where I'd get to be around them and interact with them, AND most importantly help them...but they wouldn't be mine....and maybe not even limit it to cats, but all others, too. But I guess I'll just have to feel this out as time goes on (and hopefully the pain becomes more bearable) and see how I feel about it later on. It might just be a stepping-stone to finally adopting again...I just don't know yet.

The only thing I DO know is that right now, even though I think I'd already be able to love another (even if not as much, by any means), the thought of the worries over BEST care, BEST nutrition, BEST vets, and all that....stuff I know I wouldn't want to ever compromise on.....makes me immediately break out in a cold sweat! After all the caregiving I did for Nissa for all of those years after we lost Sabin, I just....can't.....go....there. It's FAR too painful.....and worrisome! And then I think of the possibly month-long vacations me and my H want to at least entertain the notion of taking, for the first time in all of our years together....I just can't even imagine leaving a loved furbaby w/o us for that long! (and not that I know anyone who takes care of them even close to how I do, either)

So these are other reasons why the future looks so bleak to me. I'm wanting my cake, and to eat it, too, and know that's not realistic at all. It feels like the opposite of that other saying: Can't live without 'em; can't live with 'em! So I know I have to give myself some breathing, and grieving room. As the grief experts say ~ try not to make any big decisions in the first 6 months to one year after a major loss. From experience with loss, I believe this is sage advice. But that also means I have at least that long to live with such yearning and longing for living, breathing FUR-beings to love....so I'm hoping that stray-that-might-not-be-a-stray cat DOES have real home and has just chosen to be a part-time friend to me and will help hold the feeling of insanity at bay long enough for me to 'get a grip' someday, and decide what to do. I've never known SUCH utter loneliness as I'm going through right now...and time seems to stretch into infinity w/o relief in sight.